Thank you everyone for the warm wishes on our anniversary! We appreciated all the comments 🙂
Along with living with the grumpy man and his particular ways Master for three years, I’ve been living with a lump of metal around my neck for almost the same period (3 years minus 10 days to be exact). It’s quite mind-boggling to think I’ve been wearing this thing around my neck for three whole years and I’ve only had two comments from random strangers (two different shop assistants) and three comments from people I was on a talking-to-basis with.
Even after all this time, I’m still very conscious on a day-to-day basis of it, but I guess that’s what Master was hoping to achieve by putting it on me – not allowing me to forget that I’m different from everyone else because I’m a slave. It’s very hard to keep someone in that headspace if they function as a normal member of society and work etc. He has always been adamant that it’s staying on i.e. “I will bury you in that collar” because it’s one of the few tools he can use to help me believe that I am what I am. That belief that I’m a slave is a pretty damn important thing for the whole M/s situation to function and it’s when you struggle with the belief that things start to go south.
Chloe asked me a question (*waves to Chloe – thanks for asking!*) the other day about the whole Master-finding -me-my-next-owner situation that would occur if Master was no longer going to be my owner. I explained it as it’s his duty to ‘pass me on’ and find someone to take up my leash with me having no say in it. She questioned whether that is what actually would happen if we hated each others guts or I decided to up and leave or if he just didn’t want to.
The short answer to her question is no, the duty wouldn’t actually exist if that is how things ended, but at this stage, I have to believe that that is what would happen. As she points out, I could just get the hell out of here and choose myself a new owner at any time, but I’m choosing to believe that I don’t have that option available to me to create the illusion that I am a slave and exist only on the whims of my owner. Like my collar, the belief that I’m property and therefore will be given or sold to my next owner helps me stay in the slave headspace. It’s a tool that we use to help me exist as a slave.
I’ve talked a little bit before about suspension of disbelief (i.e. choosing to believe) and how it is pretty integral to consensual slavery. In reality, I do have rights and choices and if I wanted to, I could go out to the kitchen cupboard, take the allen key and remove my collar right now. But I don’t. I choose to believe that it can’t come off, that I don’t have the right to remove it and I’ve kept believing that for three years – although there have definitely been times that I’ve wanted more than anything to have it off.
Master often says that a choice that cannot be exercised is not really a choice and that is how he explains my ‘no rights, no choices’ existence. I, however, don’t really subscribe to his way of thinking, because I know inside myself I still have the choice and I could exercise it at any time. I’m not so ‘far gone’ into slavery that I no longer have the option to exercise choices. The reality is that there are always lots of pink elephants in the room and I’m just choosing not to see them.
Maybe my collar is also a pink elephant that people choose not to see or maybe most people just like to keep their thoughts about my ‘unusual necklace’ to themselves.