Is it a phase?

I wonder if a slave in a consensual bdsm relationship has ever woken up one day and thought,

“I don’t want to be a slave anymore”.

Not because they weren’t having their itches scratched, because their domly one had done anything wrong or because there was something wrong with their relationship. Simply because they decided that they were finished with being a slave and that that part of their life was over and done with.

I’ve read about a lot of M/s relationships that have come to an end and most of them have been due to the fact that one person hasn’t kept up their end of the deal. The second most frequent cause of a breakdown has generally involved one partner cheating on the other or not being entirely honest about something. However, in all the break-up stories, I can’t say that I’ve ever read about someone who has just decided to ‘stop’ being a slave or a dom.

Is it something that you can just stop doing because you don’t want to do it anymore?

I guess it depends on how much ‘a part’ of you your slavery is. I’m sure for some people it’s like the air that they breathe, it’s a part of them and they can’t imagine living without it. For others, it’s something that they try on for size for a while and find that ultimately, it doesn’t quite fit.

I think my feelings about slavery fall somewhere in the middle. My slavery was something I longed for with all my heart and soul at a stage when I wasn’t really aware of the realities. It was something I missed terribly for the couple of months I was uncollared for when I decided to put an end to my first relationship. It is something now that I often take for granted and at times resent, but more than anything I don’t know what I’d do if I wasn’t a slave – I would be lost.

On Saturday night someone at the play party asked Master what he would do if I didn’t want to put the collar back on. Master’s answer was very cool and straight to the point:

“It wouldn’t bother me if she wanted to find somewhere else to live. To be under my roof she has to be wearing my collar.”

The reality of my situation if I woke up tomorrow and decided not to be a slave would be that I wouldn’t have any where to live and I would find it difficult to stand on my own two feet. That’s the situation when you have next to zero in terms of assets, property & money. I’m sure I’d get by with the help of friends & family, but it would be akin to starting from zero again. I’ve started over twice before and managed, but as you get older it obviously gets harder and you start thinking about whether you should of had kids or should of gotten married, or should of had a career or should of had a normal life.

In the short term, I’d probably enjoy the ‘freedom’ of living by my rules and doing what I wanted, when I wanted. It might even be a relief  to be back in control again.

At least for a while.

Like everyone I play the ‘what if? game’ on a regular basis and while my life is not movie-script perfect, I’m still happier than I’ve been for quite some time. I don’t think my happiness is a direct result of my slavery, though, but more of a by-product. If Master said to me tomorrow that he wanted to end the M/s stuff I’d probably be okay with it. (I’d still want to do kinky stuff in the bedroom on occasion, but I’m sure I could survive without the ‘trappings of slavery’ and without me being his fetch and carry bitch…) I enjoy my relationship with Master more as a person than as a slave and it would only be if something happened to our relationship as ‘a couple’ that would result in a total break-down of what we have.

So is slavery a phase one goes through? For some, yes.

The only question you should really ask yourself in any relationship though is, ‘Am I happy?’ If your answer is no, then that’s the time you should do something about it.

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16 thoughts on “Is it a phase?

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  1. *listens closely* that’s the sound of you hitting the nail on the head! I just got back from touring with Master down by the coast and saw your post. Funny, because while I was there I kept watching everyone and wondering what secret lives they might lead behind closed doors (or dungeons). I’ve always known I was different, thanks to Master for giving a name to my feelings and I don’t think I could ever be other than a slave. I’ve tried normal, vanilla, sane…and I always yearn for more, want more. Anything other than this just doesn’t work for me…I’m a lifer 😛

    Left to my own devices I’m very self-destructive…impulsive to the worst degree! Without Master I think I would implode quickly lol.

    1. Funnily enough, I used to think I was a lifer too, but now I’m not so sure… I yearn for something but I’m not quite sure what.

  2. It does look difficult if you don’t have very many options available, it’s almost like you’re stuck and i truthfully don’t think that’s fair or a good situation for anyone to be in. I am the type of person who is all for creating more resources to help all types of people get out of situations that they would prefer not to be in. (I am not implying you don’t want to be in your position.)
    I’m sure this isn’t the right answer being that i associate strongly at times with subs and slaves but it is the way i really think about situations where a person has few if any other rational options. -And i’m talking about homosexual males as well.

    1. There are definitely vast numbers of people ‘stuck’ in situations and I agree that we need more resources for people to use to get themselves ‘un-stuck’.

  3. Nice blog! it’s not a phase for me, its who i am…..His slave. I cant imagine waking up tomorrow anything else but His slave, i wouldnt want to. I am so happy!

  4. When I was married and came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to be married to that man anymore, I found myself in a similar position financially. I had to scrape by for a bit, and just manage to get by paycheck to paycheck for a bit. The thought was daunting, and definitely colored my decision on the “if” and “when” aspects.

    Do you feel that because you, in a way, cannot (due to financial reasons) just up and go, that it’s coloring your perspective? Perhaps you feel like you still want to be a slave because you can’t afford to just up and go. Perhaps you resent being a slave because you can’t afford to just up and go.

    1. Personally, I don’t feel that I couldn’t leave if I wanted to (and I’m not saying I do), but I think it does color the thoughts of a lot of people -whether they be in M/s, ‘vanilla’ or whatever relationships.

      I think I would resent at various times being in an sort of relationship. I’ve said before that we are wired to look after ourselves, so any time you put another person into the equation it creates friction.

  5. Well, now, if I had the time and opportunity and somehow ended up as a BDSM slave, I would probably consider that a vast improvement over my current life. Which is in some ways like having the duties and responsibilities of both a master/mistress and a slave but none of the rewards of either. However, it probably wouldn’t last, because I would prefer to be on the dominant side of things. Of course, it’s not like I’d be trying very hard to become a slave in the first place.

    1. So if you’d like to be on the dominant side of things, if you ended up as a slave, would that still be an improvement on your current life?

      1. I did say “probably”. It would depend on the exact relationship I found myself in. Based on what I’ve seen so far, if I were to move from my current life to that of a “typical” BDSM slave (not a fantasy one) it seems that my responsibilities and duties would be clearly defined and fewer in number, and I would not need to play guessing games about whether to take charge of a situation for real or whether to pretend to take charge but try to read the other person’s mind and do what they want me to do, with possible serious consequences if I get it wrong. And then there would be kinky sex at least occasionally, which I currently get none of. And even if I still had very little time to myself at least it would probably be in service of someone who acts like they care. Being a BDSM slave would probably be more fun and a lot less stressful than my current life.

        But, at the same time, just because it’d be a big improvement doesn’t mean that it would be ideal. It would still be settling for something inferior to what I really want. Which is to be the “owner” of a harem of 3-5 people of both sexes. Okay, that’s a big dream, which might end up being more than I can really expect, but at least I’d prefer be on the dominant side of such a relationship if nothing else.

        1. I think even as a slave you play guessing games and sometimes more so than in any other role. It may seem like things are defined, but in reality there are very few Masters who lay down the law and being a ‘pleaser’ as most slaves are you need a HUGE amount of direction or you constantly worry about whether you’re doing things right etc. And like 99.9% of the men on the planet, many don’t comunicate how they feel or what they are having issues with and the only thing the slave gets told is ‘you’re not being a ‘good’ slave’ or something along those lines (because it’s ALWAYS the slave’s fault…lol.)

          Kinky sex is good 🙂 The other stuff, well…it’s complicated.

  6. while my Sir and I aren’t 24/7 and we’re mostly just like any other couple, we do enjoy the M/s side of our relationship. We’ve had periods of time where we “take a break” from it though, and while it might be a relief in the beginning I do start feeling very lost and less adored… When he is in Sir mode I feel very well taken care of. My itches my not be getting scratched, but he provides an assertive support that I just cannot imagine living without now that I’ve had it to help me through the tough times. The M/s side of our relationship gives me a logical and realistic perspective on life and its responsibilities.

    I’m sure if I was with any other person, the M/s side of things would not be as important or missed. But that is because I can’t imagine having that strong a bond with another person. For me, its not necessarily something I try on now and then, its more of a bond and sense of trust with a particular person that allows me to confront deeper desires and needs from my partner.

    1. So would having an ‘assertive’ man be enough for you even if he wasn’t into D/s?

      I understand the bond idea. That’s very similar to how I feel towards Master.

  7. i really love the questions you ask, of yourself and in general! It’s so thought provoking.

    i’ll weigh in and say i’m a lifer through-and-through. Every sexual/romantic fantasy i’ve ever had involved some form of power exchange, with me as the sub/slave/victim. Every relationship i’ve had with any man (that lasted beyond a few casual dates) involved power play, even long before i had words for it. Each step i’ve taken toward general knowledge or personal experience has only served to solidify that more and more. The idea of ‘taking a break from’ or ‘no longer choosing to be’ a slave is just unfathomable – it is who i am.

    i believe Daddy feels the same way, too. i don’t think He did initially, but He does now. i do love Him, and would probably stay with Him even if He said, ‘we’re dropping this’, but i would still internally identify as a slave without question, and i have NO idea how i would cope.

    i have lived on my own, supporting myself, for several years (including through a very painful divorce & bankruptcy), so technically i CAN do it. But i was unhappy, and drawn toward very self-destructive behavior, without my Daddy.

    1. I’m a big asker of questions and I think it drives Master insane sometimes…lol.

      I’ve always wanted to be dominated sexually and ‘looked after’ in a sense so I have identified with being a slave, but I’m not quite sure whether I’m a slave by anyone else’s definition except Master’s 🙂

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