The Secret Time

Wanna know the secret of how to have a successful bdsm relationship?? Do ya? Do ya?

I’m not saying my relationship is the be all and end all of bdsm relationships, the one to be emulated and the one on which the Great Book of BDSM will be written, but from my observations, a 24/7 relationship that lasts longer than two years is a success. So based on that, here’s The Secret to having a successful bdsm relationship….

Do we all have our pens and paper ready???

Ok, here it is…

It has to be do-able.

Ta-fucking dah.

Despite what a lot of people will lead you to believe, bdsm is not rocket science or neurosurgery. As Master has been known to define it:

“There are only so many things you can do. Beat, flog, do a bit of bondage, stick a few needles in. That’s about it.”

A lot of people cringe when the word ‘lifestyle is used in relation to bdsm because they assume that it refers to the fact that you have to live and breathe it – it becomes who you are and what you do – and it seems like it is some unattainable dream. 

But I think the word ‘lifestyle’ is a very apt description of what you have to do to make bdsm work i.e. style it into your life. Do what you can, when you can, how you can.

In many ways, bdsm is like a diet. Generally when you start out, you’re all Miss Perfect and do exactly what you’re supposed to be doing. It’s all so un-natural and forced though. Someone who has lived on chips, chocolate & eight hours of tv a day might be able to eat fruit & veg and exercise everyday for a week…two weeks tops…but then they’ll go back to their old habits because going all gung-ho about it and changing your life 200% is not sustainable. Humans are creatures of habit and will eventually go back to doing what is comfortable and what takes the least effort i.e. chips, chocolate & tv.

It’s the same with bdsm, if you one day become a slave and suddenly your life changes 200% you ain’t going to be able to keep it up for long. Everyone, for some reason, tends to go so gung-ho about bdsm stuff from the word go: the dom makes a million and one rules about everything from no furniture, to constant nakedness and cage time and similarly the dom is now expected to be all bad-ass and god-like 24/7. It’s just not going to happen and there are a few reasons why.

Firstly, there is constant stress from doing things that you don’t normally do. The occasion push outside your comfort zone can be titillating, but being outside your comfort zone all the time just makes you tired from having to constantly adjust on the inside.

Secondly, if you do everything from the start what are you going to do next? If you use every single toy in your collection the first time you meet someone, what the hell are you going to do on the second meet? There is definitely some truth in the saying, ‘too much of a good thing’.

Thirdly, expectations rarely match reality. There are very few women who can wrap their ankles behind their head and there are very few men who can match fucking rhythms enough to sucessfully carry off double penetration. Personally, just to be on the safe side, I wouldnt be having expectations any higher than, “I hope she shaved her legs” and “I hope he cut his nose hair”. With expectations like these, you’re going to be absolutely delighted with what actually takes place.

As mentioned, bdsm can be really tiring because you’re doing things you are not used to and even just from the ‘weight’ of the emotional connection. Even after months & years of doing things that now seem like second nature, without knowing it, the pressure builds up. For this reason, I think it’s really important for both parties to have a break. I’ve actually managed to recharge during these few days that Master has been away. It’s not like I have even a slightly demanding slave schedule to begin with, but emotionally I’ve been able to reconnect with myself and I’m feeling much better than I have done for a while. I’m hoping Master has also enjoyed the time apart – free from whining slavegirl and the feeling that he has to be domly all the time.

So, The Secret is keeping it do-able. Don’t change your life so abruptly that it becomes something you don’t even recognise and causes you stress. Don’t do things simply because other people are doing them or you feel like you ‘should’ be doing them even though they don’t fit into your life. Keep expectations real and achievable. Take a break and recharge when you need to.

That’s it.


10 thoughts on “The Secret Time

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  1. If I’d only known. I bought the hype, he bought the hype, and when we reverted to normality we both assumed we’d failed. After four years, he STILL thinks he failed–and there’s not much I can do to change his mind and convince him that we are normal, dammit, NORMAL.

    Thanks for The Secret!

  2. This might be your most brilliant insight yet!!! There is lots of wisdom here. And the part about keeping expectations low (the shaving legs and trimming nose hair part) made me laugh out loud.

    1. High expectation=meltdown
      Low expectations=life on a permanent high

      I get excited when there’s enough milk left in the fridge for me to have a coffee! Yay!

  3. Congrats on your insight on how to make BDSM work in real life. Too many people forget that rule life intrudes and you have to stick to what’s doable. Or instead of shaving her legs, have her NOT shave her armpits as a simple sign of her submission. It’s unfortunate that some people fall for the fantasy. Remember, you have a life to live, too.


    1. See, that wouldn’t work for me because I’d be like,

      “Thank god, now I don’t have to shave my armpits anymore!!!”

      I think stuff like that only works for good slaves 😉

      But yes, life must be lived.

  4. OMG! I just about guffawed outloud…only having my 13 yo in the next room kept me quietly sniggerin by the computer! Trimmed nose hairs, eh?

    Now, I’ve not even dabbled IRL, mine is pure fantasy, and reading blogs like yours for awhile, and lurking…but yours is by far the most i(by the way, when making a typo, do not put the “t” from the word “the” right up against the word “far” like I just did and almost missed when proofreading!lol) …insightful, funny, thought provoking description on making a D/s relationship be….real.

    Thank you so very, very much! Well written and…giggle….

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