My ‘holiday’ is fast coming to a close and in typical why-the-fuck-didn’t-I-discover-this-earlier? fashion, with two days to go, I stumbled across the most AMAZING organic sourdough bakery and THE cheesecake that I have been searching for for the last…ummm…32 years.
The bread was chewy, dense and baked to perfection in their brick hearth. It was filled with the most divine combination of roasted pumpkin, fetta, olive tapenade and rocket and I was having little forgasms (food orgasms) on the suspiciously-IKEA-looking trendy furniture in the cafe the whole time I was munching away as I sipped my cappuccino made with fair-trade coffee and served with art on top and a delicate antique silver spoon on the side. The cheesecake was a german-style baked cheesecake with a smattering of sultanas in it. It had a hint of lemon, a rich, dense flavour of real cheese and was OMG perfection.
So it’s now official. A two-bit backwater town in the middle of nowhere, kicks the ass off a metropolitan capital city thirty times the size. I’m wondering if this revelation has contributed to my recent thoughts that perhaps my hometown is not so bad after all. If I keep thinking like this, I’ll seriously have to drag myself back here in the dead of winter when everything is dead and frozen just to shake myself out of this un-natural state of, dare I say it, ‘liking’ it.
I had dinner with my sister last night and after her husband disappeared for night shift we had one of those five-hour conversations about what we’ve fucked up in our lives and what we want now. She’s not a happy camper and I’m hoping that somehow talking about it helped her in some way. I pointed out the fact to her that people are constantly evolving and changing and it’s un-natural to stay wanting the same things they did several years ago- let alone seventeen years ago. I really do feel that relationships have a certain expiration date on them and like a dairy product past its use-by-date, if something is not done when that date rolls around, the relationship starts to fester and smell.
It got me thinking about my relationship and what I want. I’m not the same person I was three years ago and what I want now is quite different. Coming out of a failed relationship and being full of self-doubt and confidence issues, back then I wanted something that was purely non-emotional and would allow me to experience what I felt I had originally missed out on i.e. the ‘real’ slave experience full of kinky ouchie stuff. Three years on I’m realising that there really is no ‘real’ slave experience to be had and having experienced a reasonable gamut of bdsm stuff, I’m not as into it as I once was. I’m quite content to have the 99% normal life with 1% of spice to add some flavour.
I’m thinking that being a ‘slave’ in name only is enough for me and that I don’t need the assorted pain, play and accoutrements that go along with being a slave. I’m content with my connection with Master as a person and the mutual bond we share. I enjoy him as a partner on a multitude of levels that don’t involve anything even remotely connected to bdsm and by far, the biggest thing that speaks to me about how I’ve changed is the fact that I don’t mind when we don’t play. I don’t get angsty and I don’t worry any more. In fact, the only thing that stresses me about it now is not having anything juicy to write in my blog because I know it’s what a lot of people come here to read.
I see the stats drop when there are no pics or smutty posts and I really do feel a pressure to ‘perform’. It’s almost like I can feel the expectations around me and I guess having the word ‘slavegirl’ in the title of your blog brings with it a belief that there will be a certain level of slavegirl-related stuff in it; I suppose it really is a bit mis-leading when there’s more food porn than porn porn within its pages. I even started this god-damn post talking about bread and cheescake…lol. What does that say about me???
I don’t think coming home and being ‘away’ from my slavery has exacerbated my feelings. I’ve been having a waning in my interest in things bdsm-ish for quite a while and I really haven’t said anything because Master’s level of interest has been pretty much on par with mine. For some reason though, while I’ve been away Master has decided that when I go back I need retraining and things need to be ramped up with a lot more play and rules being imposed. He’s been busily buying toys and books and has also started constructing a St. Andrew’s cross that he’d been talking about making for quite some time, but never had.
To be honest, I don’t know whether Master is actually thinking that he’d like to do more or whether he’s simply feeling that we should be doing more because we’re “Master & slave”. I also don’t know whether my absence has made his heart grow fonder or his nether regions get hotter, but this past week he’s been more passionate about things bdsm than I have seen him been for a long, long time. It’s great to see him motivated and interested in things because he’s been quite down with his work situation and everything of late, but while he’s charged up and raring to go, I’m ready to curl up and take a nap.
I’ve managed to buy Master something that I’m sure he’ll enjoy when I go back, but as far as anything else goes, this little wind up toy is running out of oomph. Maybe I’m ready just to go under my own steam.