Out of control

So yesterday I totally caved on my diet and had the hugest binge. My stomach is physically sore this morning like I’ve been punched a few dozen times after being stretched so much from the sheer amount of food that I consumed. It’s been many, many months since I had my last binge and the whole thing was not pretty. Fortunately there aren’t huge amounts of binge-able food in the house and I didn’t break into the chocolate stash, but I still ate enough to make myself ill and sore. I wonder if that classes as masochistic behaviour…am I an eater instead of a cutter? Lol.

My diet has been a slowly sinking ship for the last 6 weeks as I’ve hit that dreaded six-month plateau and without the reward of seeing the numbers on the scale change for so long, I’ve lost my mojo. Desserts and ‘treat-meals’ have been creeping in here and there and I even took a two hour journey on public transport on Thursday after work to buy french-style cakes from one of the handful of patisseries in Perth in my pursuit to satiate my craving for ‘something nice’.  I guess a slavegirl can’t live on salad alone afterall.

These last two kilos just won’t budge and before anyone says I don’t need to lose anymore weight, I do. I’ve got to do something about my Stewie ass – it’s so out of proportion to the rest of me. I know genes and body type have a lot to do with it, but when you can still grab big chunks of fat, you know you’ve still got a few kilos to lose.

I’ve tried calorie cycling (where you have a few days of high calories and a few days of low calories, but still have the same total calories in the week), more exercise, less exercise, less sodium, different foods, etc. all the things you normally do when you hit the weightloss wall and nothing. I’m trying to be patient, I really am, but it’s so hard when you desperately want to see those numbers. I also usually weigh-in on a Saturday morning but I’m too scared to see what damage I’ve done from last night and I don’t want to depress myself any further, so I might leave it until Monday. Mmmm…such predictable behaviour for an emotional eater who is sabotaging her own weight loss, isn’t it?

I wouldn’t say that I’m particularly stressed at the moment. My job is very ho-hum and I’m totally over the 3hrs a day I spend getting there and home again, but I don’t hate it with a passion. Yes, I’m worried about our financial situation and the fact that we may have to move, but it’s not like we’re anywhere near going to ‘red alert’ any time soon. Yes, my aging grandmother and my sister struggling with two children with Aspergers and a difficult marriage are constantly on my mind, but it’s not a new situation. I’m probably the least stressed I’ve been for a while, so there’s not really any reason for me to be stuffing myself with food except the novelty of eating how much I want of what I want, when I want it after being in control of it for nearly eight months. Can a person only live under strict control for so long?

I think maintaining just the right amount of control is exceptionally tricky and that goes for diets and M/s relationships. Personally, I think my stress levels would shoot off the scale if I had lists of chores or a rulebook for my slavery that was an inch thick. I’ve never been a fan of the micro-management thing in my work or in my life and I pretty much like to have a job and then be left to my own devices and time-frame to complete it. With my diet I’ve also come to the conclusion that you’ve got to have some treats and some leniency. I don’t drag myself off to the gym when I don’t feel like it and I don’t eat things I’m not in the mood to eat just because they are ‘healthy’.

I’ve played around with the fantasy of ‘high-protocol’ in my head on and off for the last few years and I think it would be fine for a few hours at a play party or something, but if I had to do it all the time I’d go stir-crazy. I’m not quite your talk-in-the-third-person-don’t-make-eye-contact-only-speak-when-you’re-spoken-to kind of slave and I’m not your eat-salad-chocolate-is-the-devil-ice-cream-goes-straight-to-your-thighs kind of dieter.

Balanced control is what it’s all about.

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2 thoughts on “Out of control

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  1. Hi,

    I read ur blog quite regularly and being someone that battles with her weight and someone that has just begun the journey (onne of many) to losing weight….the change u have made is inspiring.

    Regarding losing the weight…have u tried changing things around to trick the body…u c i think the body has a brain of its own and knows and gets used to a pattern when u r doing things at certain times…what I am saying is that possibly ur body is now used to the walking u do to and from work for example….certain exercise times….have u tried perhaps running instead of walking? I am not much of a runner but if u tried something like interval training where u r running and then walking etc…perhaps a post dinner long walk instead of something else…..have u had ur body fat and muscle measured????

    Just a few thoughts…dont know if I helped?

  2. Thanks for the comment!

    My ‘day’ of binging turned into four days of pure decadence where I ate whatever and how ever much I wanted and I have to say, I’m feeling very ill and almost ‘dirty’ now. I’ve pulled myself back onto the wagon though and from this morning, my diet starts again.

    I’ve been thinking about interval training for a while and have done some research into it. I wouldn’t be able to run though, my piercings don’t enjoy the up and down motion one bit and my collar gets in the way. I’ve thought about either the exercise bike or swimming.

    I haven’t had my body fat/muscle professionally measured, but I get a bit of any idea from my scales. I still have quite high body fat (subcutaneous, not viceral) so I need to get my body weight down more than anything.

    Good luck with your journey 🙂

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