Great unexpectations

Around 3pm on Saturday afternoon, Master was naked on the lounge watching war shit and I was writing a blog wearing my poodle pup washing clothes, my green fluffy slippers and had matted bed-hair when the door bell rang.

Thinking it was yet another visit from Jehovah’s witnesses/Christian do-gooders/kids forced to sell raffle tickets by their parents/the next door neighbour saying he had chased a snake into our garden again, I answered the door as I was, ready to give a short, sweet response so I could back to doing what I was doing.

When I opened the door I was greeted by a domly friend who lives nearby. He had brought around a car-full of computer stuff that he was taking to a swapmeet tomorrow. He wanted to give us first dibs if there was anything we wanted and the moment he said that, I could hear Master salivating:

“Invite him in, bitch!” came the yell from the Masterly one as I went in search of some pants and a shirt for him to put on.

“Had a rough night, did you??” the domly one asked me, taking in the ‘normal’ me who wears glasses and green fluffy slippers. He’d only ever seen me in various slut outfits with my contacts in and a completely new face thanks to the folk at Revlon.

“No…umm…this is how I normally look.”

So while Master went out with him to trawl through the goodies in the car, I did what I like to call THE GREAT FIVE-MINUTE CLEAN-UP JOB of 2009 as I knew they’d be coming in for coffee afterwards.

Let me just say that if I’m not expecting anyone over, the house is normally in various states of disarray. This particular day there was crap everywhere and dirty dishes covering every available surface of the kitchen. I hadn’t swept the floor after tracking in a tonne of dirt and sand from outside over the past week and there was a lovely bloody pool outside with flies swarming over it where the poodle pup had just polished off a chicken carcass.

In short, I was uberly embarrassed.

So I went into overdrive while they were outside, sweeping, wiping, throwing all the crap into my bedroom and closing the door (the perfect crime), stacking things in the dishwasher and overall, trying to make it slightly look like something other than animals lived there. There wasn’t anything I could do about myself in five minutes, so I just thought, ‘meh’ and charged around with the domestic goddess spirit radiating from me.

I’ve always had a bit of a Martha Stewart fantasy where people would casually drop around for afternoon tea and the house would be spotless and there’d be a selection of cookies, cakes and cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off ready and waiting. I’d like to be that organized and domestically goddessly, but I ain’t – the dishes get done when we start to run out of clean ones and I go out to the clothes line to take off the clothes that I’m about to wear and leave everything else out there.

Therefore, I like people to call before they come, I like them to e-mail before they call, and I like them to think long and hard and give me at least two weeks notice before they email. That way I have time to clean light-bulbs and make perfect little crust-less sandwiches. It’s always lovely to have people come around for a quick chat or whatever, but I swear, I nearly gave myself a heat-attack doing The Great Clean-up Job of 2009.

I also had some great unexpectations at the play party we went to on Saturday, but I think that will be another story.


17 thoughts on “Great unexpectations

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  1. your house sounds like our house, the dishes remain on the sink until we run out and apart from spot cleaning we dont do any unless someone is coming visiting lol.

    btw, i have posted a video of Gabe and food porn on my wordpress blog..Gabe looks so cute even with a bad hair do.

    1. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one 🙂 When you come over, the house is generally always in a state of un-natural cleanliness!

      I’m in the middle of chasing up all my old bookmarks and stuff from my PC, but once I find everything, I’ll pop over and take a look at Gabe and the food porn! Yum!

    1. Same. Unexpected visitors do not get invited in unless Master says so, which is rare because he hates them more than I do. Should someone show up unexpectedly, or on short notice, I also do the made clean up, which normally means junk gets thrown in the bedroom, which means the bedroom is normally a mess. Go me.

    2. I’m not quite sure what sort of standards I expect people to expect, but I never feel like the house is clean enough either – even after I’ve spent the last couple of days doing intense cleaning. But then again, when I do the intense thing, I get caught up on insignificant things and spend all my time doing them – like cleaning light bulbs – and miss the really important things like cleaning toilets. I dunno how that happens, but it does…

  2. It’s worse when they wake you UP.

    My lovely mother forgot to inform me the cleaning lady would be arriving at her house while I was house-sitting. At 7:30 in the fucking morning. I don’t know about you guys, but when I have the day off, and I’m housesitting in a house with a lot of wine and a massive hot tub, I am ASLEEP at 7:30am.

    And, I mean, granted, she’s the CLEANING lady. She cleans stuff so I don’t have to. But still, you have to pick up the house when they come over. It’s not cool to have dishes all over the coffee table… And the counter… And possibly the floor (what? it was more convenient than reaching ALL the way over to the coffee table) and having your undies on the bed and random food-bits everywhere, and pee in the toilet because I was ALONE and flushing pee is a waste of water and and and… *sigh*

    I hate my mother forever. One, for not telling me. And two, for having the audacity to be rich enough to have a cleaning lady.


    1. My grandmother cleans up for when her home helper is coming around to *clean her house* and then they sit and have a cup of tea and a chat and she *pays* for it!!!

      I soooo collect at least 3 or 4 pees in my toilet before I flush. But I think it’s an Australian thing since saving water is drummed into us from an early age.

      And I would DEFINITELY be asleep at 7:30am too…if I didn’t have to go to work…regardless of whether there was wine and a hot tub.

  3. Anyone who knows me well knows NEVER to come to my place unannounced. I’m not fond of visitors at the best of times but turn up when I don’t know and expect angry eyes and a very cold shoulder.

    I know, I’m a bit mean but hell ask first, don’t just turn up. LOL

    1. I quite like the visitor thing, but I like to be prepared. I need to tidy-up as well as get myself into a sociable headspace and that can take a while.

  4. I’m one of those OCD freaks that would make myself a coffee and help you tidy up hehe. Our house is never tidy not with four kids and a multitude of stray bodies appearing for dinner or a random visit but so help me god if you wake me up it’s on your head hehe. I’m a grumpy bitch in the mornings.

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