And while I have been known to get into heated debates with people over whether it’s width or length that matters (for the record I say width) I’m not talking about phallus size (and also for the record, I *heart* the word phallus). What I’m talking about is post length and this one is going to be a long one – without pics! shock, horror! – so go make yourself a cup of coffee and pee and do whatever else you need to do before you settle down and read this one. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
So now that I’ve got my public service announcements out of the way, here goes…
A couple of days ago I read kitten’s very revealing post about zen mastery. My gist of their arrangement is that whenever she acts up or doesn’t do what is required, there is no punishment. Her acting out is a sign that she’s not ready to submit, so he waits for her to bring herself around so that in effect, she is mastering herself. He holds the reigns but she is picking her way along the path without being forcibly pushed or pulled along.
As I read, I sucked my breath in between my teeth and had that immediate gut reaction of ,’How can he expect her to live by rules if there are no consequences for failure to adhere to them?’
But I kept reading and just as I was forming a comment to ask her that very question, I read the best thing that I’ve read for a long time and it all made sense:
“Surrender is a reaction. Submission is a decision.”
I’ve been a person who is all about the ‘force fantasy’. I’m the unhappy slave, the victim, the one who has her pride and tears forcibly wrenched out of her. I’m not a slut; I’m forced to be one. I’m not a wanton whore; Master made me one. Without realising it, I’d been reacting to whatever Master threw at me and as a result surrendering and not submitting. And while I did make that initial decision to submit and become a slave, I don’t think making the decision once is enough. I need to be making it again and again every day without waiting for a stimulus from Master that I can react to. When I’m standing at the crossroads I need to be making a conscious decision to submit, I need to be choosing the choice that is right for me.
A couple of days back I was thinking back over 2009 and lamenting that it was such a nothing year with no advancements in my slavery – no improvements in skills, no new notches on my slave belt. Thinking about it now I’m wondering whether it was because I did so little in the way of submitting. I did the bare minimum of what was required: brought his drinks when he asked, put on boots when he told me to, sucked his dick when he held me down. In retrospect it definitely seems like I did a lot of surrendering and very little submitting over the past twelve months.
I’m very good at surrendering and I play the role of the slave made to do things against her will with finesse. The whole basis for my existence has always been about me shirking responsibility for what I am and what I do and that’s fine – when there is a stream of force allowing me to be what I want to be – but when the flow ebbs, I’m left floundering like a fish out of water, uncomfortable in my own skin and without anyone to ‘blame’ it on.
With Master I have many moments where I’m frustrated and angry because I get away with so much. I’m disrespectful, ungrateful, sassy, rude, demanding, arrogant, selfish, disobedient and very, very unslave-like 95% of the time and generally speaking there are no consequences for what I do or fail to do. And as kitten says, it’s very easy to live in a situation where there is ‘action=reaction’ because it requires very little effort or self-control on my part. It’s very simple to ride the waves and be the wailing woman, crying that Master doesn’t beat me, doesn’t tie me up, doesn’t ‘treat me like a slave’.
Perhaps he doesn’t often treat me like a slave because I very rarely present myself as one.
If I can lose 40 pounds by sheer will-power alone, surely I can control myself enough to be pleasing and obedient. Surely I can call him ‘Master’, kneel at his feet and even lick his bum if that’s what he wants. Generally speaking, I laugh and walk off when he tells me to do something that I think is silly, pointless or beneath me. But I’m his slave and I should be making the decision to submit, to do what he wishes because that’s what I do.
So, I’m going to start the new year with a clean slate. I’m going to be focused. I’m going to be pleasing. And the first think I’m going to do is to work out my baby steps to achieving those goals, because that’s the secret to everything you know, breaking everything into manageable hunks.
I’m thinking about some dedicated M/s time. Maybe some daily cage time. Routine. A bit of re-jig to my blog. Perhaps a few simple rules to add to what I already have. Some small attainable and do-able things that will fit in to our lives. And these are all things that I’m going to decide myself because it’s my choice. Master shouldn’t have to be dealing with the nitty gritty of me getting into slave space. I’m the one submitting, I’m the only one who really knows what is going on in my head. I’ve got to take responsibility for myself and my choices and BE the slave.
I. Am. His. Slave.
I have to keep reminding myself of that and when I’m standing at the crossroads, with the power to take a multitude of paths, I have to chose the path of obedience and submission.
I. Am. His. Slave.
I choose to submit.