(Click here to see the winner (s) of the “I’m an innernets smartipants!” award from yesterday’s post.)
I stupidly worked up the courage this morning on the bus to tell my mum and my sister about Jacque. The act of texting the words, of course, got me all a sobbing again so there I was on the bus at 8am surrounded by fifty smelly, hormonal pre-pubescent high school kids crying my eyes out. Yeah, it was a good start to the day.
I’d been feeling ridiculously guilty because last weekend my sister decided to end her marriage and I haven’t even called her to talk about it and find out what is going on. I know family is supposed to theoretically take precedence over pets and my sister launching out as a single mother of two kids with asperger’s and dealing with an ex who has overdosed and is threatening violence is pretty damn serious stuff, but my head and heart are still firmly wrapped around the fluffy pup and I haven’t had ‘room’ for anything or anyone else.
The separation has been a long time in the pipework so it wasn’t a surprise, but the realities and logistics of it for her are, I’m sure, frightening and overwhelming. I don’t know where to begin to help her considering I’m on the other side of the continent and emotionally messed up myself just at the moment. I know just having a talk with her and letting her know she has lots of love and support around her will have to do, but I know it’s not really enough.
My family haven’t been lucky with marriage. My mother, her brother, me and now my sister have all been married and divorced. We just don’t seem to have the ‘happily ever after’ gene as far as marriage is concerned. As far as my massively family-orientated grandmother is concerned, I’m sure she’d like nothing more than to see us happily married with herds of grandchildren and great-grandchildren for her to coo over, but we’re blessed that she’s so full of unconditional love that she will take us any which way.
Maybe masochism really is entwined in DNA. For some reason, everyone in my family has either consciously or unconsciously gotten themselves into ‘difficult’ and ‘out-of-the-box’ relationships and for someone like me, I can see the patterns.
As for me, I’ve always taken the ‘road less travelled’ and while I don’t do things as extreme as climbing Mt Fuji on my elbows (yes, people do this for fun), I’ve tended to do things ‘the hard way’ and always gain some sort of perverse pleasure in people asking,
“How could you possibly do that?”
I used to think my sister was masochistically inclined too as she was always better than me at making things difficult for herself. But then she told me one day about how she’d tied her ex to the bed with pantyhose and had her way with him and I thought perhaps she was just a sucker for punishment and not the masochistic goddess I thought she was.
I see an awful lot of people who get into bdsm because of dysfunctional experiences so I’ve always doubted the validity of the ‘wired for kink’ theory. In fact, I don’t think I can name one person in kink who is utterly and totally free of emotional baggage and that’s what has always made me lean towards the nurture instead of nature way of thinking.
But then again, I don’t think I can name one person *outside* of kink who is utterly and totally free of emotional baggage either. I guess we are just fucked up from the minute we are born by those around us and some of us go norti and some of us go nice.