Retrospect is a wonderful thing

After all the fuss of xmas, and with turkey eaten and pudding digested there’s nothing left this year to do but think about what was, what wasn’t and what should of been.

I tend to get all out-of-sorts around this time anyway, but this year I’m tending towards the almost feral.Why? Because this year has been such a nothing year. No growth, no bettering and I think that somehow I might have even de-evolved somewhere along the line.

My work-life is going no-where, my slavery is stagnating. I’ve conquered nothing, added no notches to my belt, learned nothing new, acquired no new skills, crossed nothing off ‘my list’. So what the hell did I do for the last twelve months?

Like a lot of other people, I became a slave in an attempt to somehow ‘better’ myself. I’m not sure exactly why, but there was a part of me that thought that through service and submission, I’d become whole i.e. a more complete and in some ways ‘better’ person. But as the months and years go by, although I’m feeling more comfortable with myself, I’m doing less and less of the ‘slavey’ stuff and getting further and further away from where I should be.

Talking with a newly-inducted subbie friend the other day, she was recounting some of their new-relationship antics with the enthusiasm of a week-old puppy. I commented to her that it was interesting how willing we are to do stuff when we’re ‘fresh meat’ without thinking deeply about anything. She wasn’t really sure what I meant so I told her the story of my first brazillian wax.

At the time I was in Japan and doing the on-line thing with my owner. He wanted me smooth down there and he wanted it waxed. Now, in Japan waxing is quite rare – everyone shaves. And while chicks commonly shave their forearms and faces, shaving your mons is just not done (trust me, I’ve seen hundreds of bushes in the public baths and I can’t recall ever seeing one clean one.) So I scoured the import shops for some wax strips because I knew *nothing* about waxing and my bush had never been touched in all its 28 years.

I probably don’t need to tell you that the strips got caught in my pubes (I wasn’t even smart enough to trim them beforehand…) and I ended up ripping and cutting the damn things out. It was OMFG torture. But I did it, because my owner wanted me to do it. I knew it was going to be tricky and I didn’t even try to wheedle out of it or ask if I could shave instead. I just did what was required, anyway that I could. I was simply bursting with the enthusiasm of a newbie.

Now, I’ll very rarely even try to do something if I know it’s going to be difficult.

I could call that the ‘wisdom of experience’, but I’m more inclined to call it being a crap slave.

I guess I sort of had it in my mind that things would get easier as I went along – that things would come more naturally and I’d be more compliant, more skillful and pleasing. But alas no. In fact I balk now at things I would of done without a murmur three plus years ago. Is that how it’s supposed to be?

Admittedly, I’ve got a few more health concerns now than I did way back then. We have to be more careful of my circulation, my jaw and I have that nasty habit of fainting at the best of times. I know now that I’m breakable and care has to be taken, but still, I have a feeling most of my problems are psychological, not physical. It’s generally not that I can’t, just that I won’t.

Outside of my slavery this year had some good points – swimming with whale sharks, visiting my family, getting a job where I can use my language skills &  having Master home all the time.

With the good comes the bad: Master losing his job, my family dramas, losing the fluffy pup.  All in all, I’d say it was a bit of year I’d like to forget.

Bring on 2010.

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