I pwned myself

Remember how I announced to the world that I was becoming a new and improved slave (now with 45% more fibre!)? How I wrote up a big passionate thing about how I was going to change my ways and consciously choose to submit instead of simply surrendering? Well, I’d just like to report back that my efforts have been a big, fat FAIL. I had good intentions, but really, I just suck at this being a slave thing. It’s just such a seemingly impossible task and I can see why Master has put me in the ‘too hard bin’. I put myself in the ‘too hard bin’, so I really can’t blame him for doing the same.

I just can’t, for the life of me, consciously put Master first. I can’t put his needs, his wishes, his desires before mine and sometimes, just sometimes, I secretly think, “Why should I have to put him first anyway???” It annoys me to do shit for him. It annoys me when he is doing nothing and I’m doing something, but I have to stop whatever I’m doing to do his bidding. It drives me insane that he gets me to do all the annoying tasks, the time-consuming jobs, the things that obviously he doesn’t want to do and he can do all this, why?, because I’m wearing the shiny thing.

I’m even beginning to resent the shiny thing and how it relegates me to the bottom of the pile. I don’t find serving him hot or being treated like shit titillating. I take everything at face value these days so ouchie things are ouchie, annoying things are annoying and being humiliated just kind of sucks at my soul. Nothing has a kinky overtone and I’m so tempted when he says,

You know you love it,”

to say,

“Actually, I don’t.”

I realise this is a huge no-no in slave girl land, and that’s why I fail at being a slave.

I dunno, I might be just having one of those I-don’t-want-to-be-a-slave mood swings, but just so I’m clear, I’m not pms-ing. The red plague has been and gone and I even made it through the week without killing anyone.

One slight contributing factor to my current mood was probably the removal of my offending labia piercing last week. Have I mentioned how OMG nice it is to feel normal again? I’m even sleeping better because I don’t have to twist myself into funky positions to try and get comfortable. I’m thinking to myself why the hell didn’t I do it sooner? The answer to that,of course was, because I wasn’t allowed to.

That’s not to say that Master didn’t take me to have it checked several times and he allowed me to swap the rings to barbells in a last-ditch effort, but at the end of day, the whole exercise was so pointless. Three years of my life with regular pain all for nothing and it just makes me want to ask the question,

“Why should I have to do what he says?”

It’s a question I come back to a lot. I feel very strongly that no-one knows me better than me and if I had had my way, the piercings would not have been done because I know that my body doesn’t take piercing well. See, I don’t believe that an owner will always do what is best for you and quite often they will simply do what they want to do.

I know everyone goes on about, ‘Well, it’s in my owner’s best interests to look after me, so he won’t do anything to harm me!’ but at the end of day, it’s not always the case. Ultimately a lot of doms will do whatever the hell they want to do simply because they can and their submissives have to take it and it just makes me want to ask, “Why???”

So yeah, I suck at being a slave, but really, I’m wondering whether that is such a bad thing.


5 thoughts on “I pwned myself

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  1. I don’t know, i suck at it too. The thing is I still really want to put him first and learn to obey. May be you don’t. May be you love the idealistic picture of being a slave, but you just cannot do reality. I ve been reading your blog and I get the impression you are not going through a fase, you just don;t really want to do the slave thing. Your love for your Master is why you still maintain this relationship. May be that love is enough, may be it isnot. I pray it is. I hate it when good relationships go bad.

    Don’t feel bad, you didnot fail, you just need to readjust your targets untill you find the target that makes you and preferably both of you happy and satisfied.

    For me? I am learning, but i am a terrible slave, have no clue why he has so much patience with this stubborn willfiull creature. The problem is: I want to be his slave, so I have to put him first. I still want to be the slave. For real.

    Good luck, take your time, talk about it perhaps



  2. You know what? A lot of the “slave thing” it is just fantasy. You are healthy. You are intelligent. You need balance and fairness and yes…. a Master will do what is in the best interest of both of you. Sadistic episodes are just that-episodes; a part of the “play”. It has a start and an end. I am very happy you got that thing out of your labia. All will be well.

  3. Maybe you just need to keep fighting your bonds as a way of reminding yourself the bondage is there. Master has a way of answering all my complaints. ” If I allow you to do what you want to do, it would stop you being what you want to be.”

  4. It appears obvious to me that you have not given yourself to your Master 100%. This IS possible, although rare. A true slave should be able to let go of everything and give herself to her Master body and soul. How do I know this is possible? Women who enter convents do this for a life time. Sure some of them cannot hack it but the great majority do. It is simply a matter of giving yourself completely.

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