I wonder whether being ‘anti-social’ is part and parcel of being a slave?   I’ve noticed on a lot of other blogs that people class themselves as anti-social and I am one of the biggest confirmed recluses ever, so I’ve had a question in my mind for a while now:

Does it go with the territory or is it just a fact that socially-challenged people gravitate towards being submissive?

I would call myself a homebody. I like being at home where I can be myself without worrying about anyone looking at me or having to make conversation. I’ve always been like this though, ever since I was young. I’d generally amuse myself with very little effort and I’ve rarely felt the need to seek out friends or maintain friendships – which, of course, makes me a really crap friend. I’m the type of person who won’t call you just to chat and who generally won’t reply to your emails. It’s not that I don’t appreciate my friends, I just enjoy my space and silence a little too much and for most people my ‘barely there’ approach to friendship is too non-committal and too non-reciprocal to be worth the effort.

I don’t think I’m rare in the slave world. I think my self-sufficiency is fairly typical of most slaves and I’m swaying more towards the possibility that socially-challenged people gravitate towards being submissive. I don’t think I’ve ever read or heard about a truly extroverted slave in the years I’ve been hanging around the internet and the greater majority of us seem to be inept socially in someway, but then again, it may be that everyone is inept socially but that some people just cover up their ineptness better.

Surprisingly, one of the things I was hoping to get as a…how shall we put it? side bonus (?) of becoming a slave, was that I was hoping to inherit some of Master’s friends. I was hoping to be introduced to a different social circle and to become a part of it, by default, by being his property. The idea was good in theory, but my first owner introduced me to a sum total of zero real people and Master, being originally from the east side of Australia, was pretty much in the same boat as me as far as not knowing anyone here and having a very limited social circle.

Over the years we’ve formed quite a few friendships with kink-minded folk  especially in part to the luncheons and things we have at our house. For some reason I always find it easier to talk with people over yummy food than when I’m tied to something and getting my ass beaten…funny that…. Unfortunately, we still have zero friendships outside of kink due mostly, I think, to my anti-social nature. And, of course, the down-side of kink friends is you’re always restricted by what’s okay to talk about and you never actually know whether the name you call them by is their real name. All that hiding and dancing around the truth annoys me, but I understand the necessity of it for some people. Sometimes I’m just itching to ask, ‘So what do you do?’ – the most basic of questions – but I stop myself because it’s very likely that it’s an ‘off-limits’ topic for many people.

I think generally Master wants to be more social than I am and he is held back by my lack of enthusiasm for anything outside the house involving people I don’t know really, really well. I find also that when I’m working – even part-time – having to be out of the house for extended periods of time makes me want to stay home even more when I have the chance. If I’m home all day, every day the cabin fever will kick in and I’ll actually want to go out somewhere if I can, but when I’m out of the house from 7:30am to 6pm several days a week, I feel like my quota of ‘house-time’ hasn’t been met and when the weekend comes, I ain’t goin’ nowhere until I get my house time fix.

This might also sound a bit blasphemous, but I have a little bit of a niggling feeling that people who excel socially don’t make good slaves. I don’t know whether it’s the image I have of slaves being, in some way, incomplete or lacking, but the image of a socially confident slave just doesn’t gel with me. I don’t see them being the life of the party, chatting with all and sundry, with never a ripple to mar their perfect surface. I see them hugging the dark corners and responding when spoken to, breaking into a sweat at the thought of speaking in front of a group and wondering who are they to have anything even slightly worthy of listening to.

Oh wait, that’s not slaves in general, that’s just me.


15 thoughts on “Homebody

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  1. It’s an interesting point.

    I’m not terribly social. I probably receive more forced socialization through the Captain than I would ever willingly subject myself to. It’s a standing semi-joke around here that I’d be happiest if we bricked over all the doors and had air and food delivered through tubes. I say “semi” joke because I think that would be lovely.

    But from a wider perspective, there are a number of boss-types that prefer their s-types to have an amount of social anxiety and stick to the house, so I have to wonder how much of the anti-social slave is also the result of conditioning.

    Me? The Captain called off Isolation Phase Alpha after a week. I guess it’s hard to get the desired results when the isolatee starts enjoying herself.

    1. And in a stunning turnaround of my own hermitesque preferences, I believe I have just volunteered to start up a Goth/Industrial club night.

      What the hell am I thinking?

      1. You’re starting up a Goth/Industrial club night? Wow…you kind of live a life of extremes. One minute it’s “Isolation Phase Alpha” and you can’t talk to people and next minute you’re the running your own club?? Do you think the Captain has a short attention span?? 😉

        1. To be fair, I’m simply getting in on starting up a club night with the DJ and the press person.

          And as I said about Isolation Phase Alpha – well, I was really starting to enjoy myself. Not really the result he was aiming for. 😀

          1. Aww…you take all the fun out of it when you start being ‘fair’!

            I would think that having permission to be even more anti-social would have a similar effect on me.

  2. I had not ever really thought about this point. But I suppose it really does relate to a lot of submissive I know. Actually, I don’t think that I know any that are social butterflies. I myself would rather stay home and live in my little cave than interact with the world. I’ve always been this way. Considered to be a home-body type person. I have to force myself to interact with other people and stay in contact with friends and family. I know I fail horribly at staying in touch. Perhaps it is just part of our chemical make up.


    1. It’s a bit of a chicken or the egg question, but I do think submissive people tend to be the quiet, shy type. Then again, maybe that’s just related to the fact that submissive people also tend to have huge amounts of emotional baggage 🙂

  3. Your post really got me thinking about how my movement into not just plain submission but slavery has changed my social habits. I don’t think I would categorize myself as anti-social but I certainly have those tendencies when I’m overwhelmed with life. I don’t see that tendency as being related to my slavery per se but what I do see my slavery impacting is being aware that my conduct in public reflects upon My Master. That knowledge tends to soften my interactions a bit and tone down my previous boisterousness.

    I tend to listen more and talk less now and I think that leads to not being what is considered as the “life of the party.” My Master has been working with me to tame my mouth and teaching me not to talk just for the noise it produces but to make what I say mean something. Holding my tongue and listening leads me into a more contemplative state which when viewed from the outside may appear as a shyness or maybe even an anti-social demeanor. However, to the watchful eye of a caring Master it shows that His girl is learning better manners and not interrupting or injecting mindless dribble into an intelligent conversation. Personally I prefer My Master’s view of what is going on! *smile*

    My Master also made a very insightful observation about me the other day that I think also leads into my becoming much quieter and contemplative (I like that better than reclusive). I had just told Him about something that I had told Him about previously. Normally when that happens I blame a poor memory but He asked a question that made me really stop and put a different spin on things. I apologized for telling Him something twice and added that I can’t believe He remembers things like this. He then asked me if I really found it that unbelievable that someone would actually listen to me. I think He really hit the nail on the head – my previous relationship was rife with communication issues and I felt an intense need to be heard so I would repeat myself over and over trying to force my way through. Now I have the safety and security to know that I am being heard by the one person who really matters and in turn I am finding my need to be accepted by others is being reduced. I’m confident in the fact that I am a cherished possession and thus I have no need to prove myself to others. Which goes hand in hand with needing to feel like I am the “life of the party” and putting myself out there socially. I’m happy to stay home and fulfill what He needs. I find more joy in those activities than in going out and being some party girl.

    I know that was a long road to go down to answer your initial question: “Does it go with the territory or is it just a fact that socially-challenged people gravitate towards being submissive?” At the end of the day I think that my slavery is leading me toward a more publicly submissive and quiet nature and not so much that I had some social aversion that pushed me to be submissive.

    I definitely agree with you that it’s easier to stay home rather than go out and worry about being accepted. I certainly can’t go out anywhere and let my true self out. That occurs only at home and that is where I feel most comfortable. However, I do have a lot of friends and push myself to do things with them and keep in touch but, like you, I’m not one to just call up someone to chat. Also, My Master comes first so I will politely decline invites from friends if it will in any way inconvenience Him and I wonder if that starts to paint me into that anti-social picture as well. But, in all reality, I get much more pleasure from fulfilling His needs than taking part in whatever activity they invited me to so I have no problem with it.

    I work outside the home and at work I am very different. I am required to give training to large groups and to spend much of my day conversing with people. I am the person that other people come to for the answers and for advice on how to handle different situations. I don’t fret having to do these things and in fact it comes quite naturally. But I wonder if the fact that I spend so much of my workday interacting with people might also feed into my ability to shut it down when I no longer have to wear that public mask and to feel more comfortable when I can just be His girl in His collar.

    Your post also got me thinking about some things that I don’t have answers to. Namely I would consider myself an extrovert but as I move deeper and deeper into slavery I wonder if that extroversion was something I developed because I thought that was what people wanted. Did my need to please (be submissive) override my basic tendencies? Would I move more toward full-time introversion if I were to allow myself to completely disregard what others expect and just fulfill what my inner girl craves? But what does she really crave? Have I ever let her have that kind of freedom? Gosh…I think I need to stay home and contemplate those questions. *grin*

    1. Thanks for the “novel” reply 😉

      I got into the habit of declining invitations because I thought I needed to be at the beck and call of Master. I’d be thinking of the off-chance that he would need me for something and I wouldn’t be there and how terrible that would be.

      Then I realised that I was just using him as a convenient excuse for my own anti-social tendencies. Now I’m up-front about being a hermit and I feel better about it.

      I’ve got a bit of a Jekyll & Hyde thing happening with me though. On one hand I want to be the life of the party with streams of friends having a roaring good time and on the other hand I just want to be quiet and dull a.k.a being myself. I’m not sure which I crave and which I feel socially pressured to do so like yourself I’m asking “What does she really crave?”

  4. ok I guess I get to be the odd slave out on this one…I love socializing! I’m a social butterfly! I’ve been known to live in houses with up to 7 other friends. I have worked in strip clubs, elbowed my way to the front stage of concerts and had band members sign my tits (cliche I know but has to be done) I will hang out in 24 hour pancake houses with my friends all night long and talk to complete strangers, therefor making new friends. I’ve offered strangers walking on the side of the road (in town only) a ride when I had a car of my own. I ❤ people and all their weirdness. I go looking for the weirdness and if its not on the surface I tend to draw it out from where its hiding 😛

    Master, on the other hand, is a hermit. He could live quite comfortable within 3 rooms. Bedroom/computer room, kitchen and bathroom. He doesn't seek the company of others and is not a fan of social situations. Strangely enough the only company that doesn't bother Him for extended periods of time, is me. Even if we don't talk for hours.

    We really couldn't be any different in the social realm of things 😛

    1. Which brings me to a question…can you be truly happy with someone who is completely opposite to you? Or are you actually thinking about putting all that social butterfly stuff totally behind you and settling down to being as he wants you to be?

      1. its frustrating at times, like when I want to go to the BBB (Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar) but He doesn’t wanna do the public thing. Sometimes I feel guilty when we go out sight seeing because I know the only enjoyment He gets out of it is seeing how much fun I have but then I realize He wouldn’t go if He didn’t want to. Its a compromise of acrobatic proportions 😛

        On that note I don’t mind staying in and enjoying the silence with Him, just the two of us. But when I get the itch to go out He is very good about letting me or going with me. Which is more than any of is ex’s can say (yes I talk to both of them) since He never went out and did anything with them unless REALLY pushed.

        He doesn’t want me to change. He worries about how happy I can be with His limited social interactions. He pushes me to be social and not give it up for Him because He knows thats just not who I am 🙂 He’s a good Master.

  5. i know a slave who has been in her collar for nearly 8 years now and she is anything but inept, she is a social butterfly and is far from being *anti social*. i dont agree that slaves are what you say because its a *human* trait and not in my opinion due to what one labels themselves.

    as for being a home body, join my club lol, im similar to you in that because im away from home working i tend to like being home and doing *me* time, i dont mind my own company but sometimes i just have to get out and do something but i have been a semi recluse for many many years.

    i also think that we are seeing more and more people being anti social because of computers and the internet, why go out when you can connect with millions at home huh.

    1. It’s so very easy to have ’safe’ interactions on your terms with the internet. No awkward silences, no committment. I can definitely see how it will be a problem in years to come though.

      I agree that people are born with a particular type of personality, but don’t you think there tend to be more socially-challenged people gravitating towards submission though?

  6. It was your remark about the “emotional bagage” that resonated with me most. When i meet with vanilla women, i feel like i am a foreigner in a foreign land, i do not want to join the usual “nagging about the lazy husband” discussion. But i live in a culturally (and BDSM) dead small rural town, what did i expect? Greek males OTOH are a whole different story: it is hard enough to have a talk with them as it is…

    i mostly find myself floating somewhere between subspace and subdrop, the latter happening more frequently. Slaves often feel insecure, shameful, guilty and there are very few people in r/l they can share these feelings with. They need time to deal with things… So… back to the home and their Master they go, suitcases filled to the brim.

    BBQ at my place tomorrow! Anybody?

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