I’m congratulating myself on not having seen one iota of the olympics. I didn’t watch the opening ceremony, have no idea what the medal count is, have no idea what day it is (Day 3, 4?) and I didn’t even see the video of that poor guy that died.
Just call me “The Mole”.
I’ve spent the last couple of days chatting on and off with my boss about what I want to do work-wise. My 12-month contract finished up at the end of last month and now we’re discussing whether I want to go full-time or what.
To be honest, the thought of me spending more time here makes me want to put a plastic bag over my head and breathe deeply. If there was stuff for me to do it would be okay, but spending all my time *looking* like I’m doing something is just tiring. There are also the 3 hrs a day I spend getting here and getting home again, which is okay three days a week, but if it turned into five, I might be tempted to forgo the plastic bag as not being a quick enough death and get myself a gun instead.
It’s a tough situation. I don’t think I could get a job at any other place where they paid me to do nothing all day, but I also feel like I’m just wasting my time by being here. There is a niggling voice at the back of my head saying,
“You could do so much more with your life…”
A lot of my problem is that I’m a mole. I don’t go out and grab the world by the balls, shouting “I’ve got skills, pay me for them!!!” I tend to hang back and feel intimidated by all the super people around me and get into that head space where I feel worthless and wonder why people don’t realise my potential.
In the scheme of things, I’m well-educated and speak another language. I don’t have three heads or visible tattoos or piercings that scream goth. I’m a well-presented, honest, hard-worker and yet, I end up doing shitty jobs that pay crap money and that anyone who had a pulse could do.
And it happens because I’m a mole.
I expect people to find me. I expect people to reach into my burrow and dig me out. I don’t even have a sign at the entrance to my deep, dark hole proclaiming,
“Uberly employable person here!!!”
And I don’t know how to change it. Can I become some sort of a social, networking, in-your-face person who has connections and lives the high-life if I’m really just a mole at heart?
Another reason I’m hesitant about going full-time is that I can never manage to balance work and slavery. It’s either one or the other for me and when I’m working five days a week, work will win every time. After working all day I need time for me. I need time to chill and relax and it’s rare for my slave switch to ever be turned on.
Now I work three days and have four days for me and my slavery. I have enough time for me and Master and so I don’t resent my service or his demands on my time. Time-wise it’s a great set-up, but one I knew wouldn’t last for ever.
And now it’s coming to an end and I don’t know what to do or how to change who I am…