You know what the biggest killer of power-exchange relationships is?
It’s not lies, doms acting like a-holes or emotionally unstable subs.
I had a moment this morning when I thought I’d well and truly crossed the never-to-be-crossed-again line that separates the comfortable from the complacent.
Master was ravishing me and I let rip the biggest, most carefree fart of my life. It felt great and I didn’t care.
Master said to me,
‘You wouldn’t have done that three years ago would you? Now you know I accept you warts and all and you’re so comfortable that you don’t give a second thought to stunning me senseless with your gas.’
So I lay there after that – as I am wont to do- frantically churning what he’d said over and over in my mind. Had I really become so comfortable that expelling violently smelling things from my body in front of him was completely acceptable and even natural? Or was I just a hop, skip and a jump from that slippery slide into friend-like cohabitation?
If the truth be known, four years ago when I first moved here to be with Master, things were very different. I didn’t crap for two weeks. I slept with one eye open in case I drooled or did something else as equally as embarrassing while I slept so that I’d have a few seconds to compose myself if I saw him coming.
In short, I lived in fear and it was the perfect power-exchange relationship.
It took me months before I got into a normal sleeping pattern and almost as long to have regular bowel movements. During those months he still had me regularly on the verge of tears by yelling at me or by telling me I’d done something wrong and it took me a while longer to get used to his louder-than-normal voice and brusque comments. But I did and now I don’t even give them a second thought.
In short, I lost my fear and now keeping up that power-exchange thing is really hard.
As a result of that discovery, I have a bit of a theory about why being obedient and staying in the slave mind-set is so hard when it should get easier over time:
Fear=power. If you’ve got nothing to fear, you’ve got nothing to exchange.
In those first few months, for the first year even, Master was virtually a stranger to me. Sure we’d talked for hours on msn and discussed this, that and the other, but I didn’t really know him. We’d never met face to face until I came to live with him and people tend to be a bit different in real life to how they are in chat anyway. Being a stranger, I had a lot to fear. I didn’t know how he would react to things, I didn’t know his thoughts, his feelings. It was all new ground and more than anything I feared rejection.
It was easy to stay in the head-space back then. I felt like I was constantly walking on egg-shells and expected any moment to get bundled up on a plane and sent back to where I came from because I was lacking in some way. Every day that I made through remaining as his slave, was a victory for me.
As the days rolled into months and the months rolled into years, I started opening up more to him. I told him all my embarrassing stuff – my secrets I’d told no-one else. I told him about all the bad things I’d done and thought. We talked about anything and everything and somewhere amongst all that he told me he’d never let me go.
So I’d laid all my nastiness on the table and he’d looked it over, picked up a few things here and there and after a few seconds of scrutinizing, laid them back down. There wasn’t anything about me he didn’t know and he took it all in his stride, almost as if to say, “That’s all???” Nothing fazed him, he judged nothing.
And more importantly he still wanted me.
So now I have unconditional love. I know regardless of what I do or how bad I am, he will still love me. He will still want me as his slave and he won’t let me go.
The fear has gone, but the love remains.
Maybe we don’t have TPE, but we have TLC instead.