For the two weeks we were away I hardly looked at the internet. I checked my hotmail and the weather report and that was about it. No fetlife, no blogs, no spending huge amounts of time pissing around on the internet when I could have been doing something more productive and I have to say, it was really nice.
It’s not that I don’t love the internet, I do and it has changed my life in ways I can’t even begin to imagine, but I find that the internet also has a bit of a drawback – it gives you *too* much information or what I like to call *too* much ‘comparison material’ when you really don’t need it.
How many times have you read a blog or read something on the internet that made you question whether you were ‘okay’? I’m not talking about those lovely self-diagnosis sites where every time I put in my symptoms it tells me I have yet another type of cancer, I’m talking about reading about someone’s daily life or relationship and thinking, ‘Gee, I don’t do that. Should I be doing that?’ or ‘That’s not how I feel. Should I be feeling like that?’
Without the knowledge of the other person’s activities or feelings, you wouldn’t question your own because you’d have nothing to compare it to. But now I have the minutia of the life of every man and his dog on the planet, there before my very eyes and like a cud, I chew it over and chew it over, wondering, questioning whether my life is up to scratch.
I’m different to Master. I’m constantly seeking validation from around me before inching forward, whereas he is happy to charge along, blazing down the trail. He doesn’t care about mistakes or obstructions on the road ahead; he forges through with wild abandon, very rarely, if ever, looking behind. I’m much more cautious, much more timid, and easily distracted by what’s going on around me.
While I love reading other people’s blogs, I do find that I am happier when I’m not reading them. There are no comparisons to be made and no yardsticks to be measured by. It’s nice when it’s just me and Master doing our thing. And that’s what it was like for the two weeks. Now I’m surrounded once more by the, “Why”s and “Why not”s and it’s hard to stay on my road.
Apparently while we were away lots of things happened in ‘the scene’ – couples broke up, tensions mounted, rules were changed. In the space of two short weeks there was enough material for a two-hour gossip session over coffee and I had 46 unread threads on my fetlife page. But funnily enough, I didn’t want to know any of it. I didn’t care that so and so had broken up with so and so (and just as a side note, it always amuses me when people are shocked by a break-up of a D/s couple. People break up all the time so why should a D/s couple be any different??) or that so and so was on the verge of a cat-fight with so and so. Did their personal issues have any bearing at all on my life? I didn’t want to know.
I just wanted to go back into my bubble and stay there.
I know eventually I’ll have to re-join the world and go back to the dreary task of validating my life based on some secret code of who is tougher/cooler/more submissive.
But not just yet.
I’ll just keep on repairing the tears in my bubble until I can’t hide any more and I have to face the world around me.
But not ’til then