Apparently if you whine about a lack of releases, sometimes the man will grant you a couple. Yes, people, I officially have two releases up on the fridge door with an expiry date of today and the gods, being so kind, saw it fit to give me my period two hours ago. If it wasn’t so tragic, I’d be laughing.
Master has also written a blog about my release situation. From his point of view, I have to earn my releases and I understand the theory of that, but the reality is that it’s a bit of a ‘you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours’ situation. Just like every other human being, I want to get something out of what I do. I don’t want to be constantly giving down a black-hole of slavery where nothing is returned to me. And while I understand that releases are things to be earned by doing things that please him, I really don’t get motivated to please him unless there’s something to sweeten the deal.
We go around in circles sometimes because he wants to be pleased and I want to be pleased, but he won’t please me unless I please him and I want him to please me so I can please him. What comes first, you please me or I please you? Chicken? Egg? Omelette?
Actually I don’t need to be pleased beforehand. I don’t need three mind-altering orgasms before I feel like I want to suck his cock, I just need a sign, a glimmer, that somewhere, sometime, my needs are going to be addressed. At the moment I just feel like I’m staring into a big, black pit with no light at the end of it whatsoever.
Yes, I know I’m hormonal, nancy and suffering from chocolate withdrawal, but seriously, what does a person have to do to get tied up and played with a bit around here??? And if that’s asking too much, how about you let me take care of my own needs before I start climbing the walls and and writing desperate-sounding blog posts that are going to get you hate mail?
I say constantly that the act of wearing the shiny thing doesn’t change how I feel or the basic facts of my humanity. Locking that band of metal around my neck doesn’t suddenly make my needs go away or focus my entire being on serving and being pleasing. I’m the same person with the collar as without the collar. More than anything, my collar is an outward symbol to other people of what I am. It’s like a name-tag with my name on it or a t-shirt that says, ‘Ho’, even if I don’t have something defining who or what I am that the world can see, I’m still the same person inside.
Because I don’t have a need to serve or a button that gets pushed by doing his laundry/cleaning his toilet/tottering around the house in boots, there are times I need to have my needs met. I need to get a little something out of this relationship too, ya’know?
And that’s what I think he forgets sometimes.I often feel that he thinks once the collar goes on, his part his done.
But isn’t that actually just the beginning?