I was thinking about what was behind my little outburst in my last post. Well, I don’t know if you can really call it an ‘outburst’, as much as it was simply me telling the truth instead of saying what I think he wants to hear.
I’ll admit that I do that a lot – the saying what I think he wants to hear stuff. Not so much here, but in my interactions with Master. I used to tell him the truth during interrogation sessions and I remember once he said that it ‘interupted the flow’ or something along those lines. Upon reflection, I can see how an interchange of:
“What are you?
“I’m your slave and property.”
helps the flow so much more than:
“What are you?”
“Your whiny & often annoyingly mouthy bitch-cum-slave whose arm is now dead from you pinning me to the bed with it.”
I’ve also learned that telling the truth often gets me pinched by Master’s fingers of death and so to save my skin (quite literally) I give him what he wants to hear straight up so that I can remain bruise-free.
But anyway, I was thinking that there is a situation that often tips me over the edge into outburst territory and that’s when he’s sick – not the makes-me-all-juicy kind of ‘sick’, but the am-I-going-to-have-to-call-an-ambulance? kind of ‘sick’.
Master is sick at the moment and it’s about the sickest I’ve ever seen him since we’ve been together. Unlike every other man I’ve ever been around, Master really has to be sick before he will admit to being sick and even then he’ll gruffly say ‘I’m fine’ after a coughing fit that leaves him breathless and barely standing. He actually got sent home from work yesterday for the first time in his life and I’ve been deathly worried to the extent that I’ve crept up to his door at various times during the night to check that he’s still breathing (yeah, I know that irrational fear, but I’m stupid like that…)
Now I know he’s sick and I’m supposed to be looking after him and everything, but along with the worry about him, I’ve also got this growing feeling of becoming less and less of an M/s relationship because, well, he’s not in a position to be in control of me.
It’s totally fucked up but it’s happened before. I remember being with my first owner and things blew up between us after several bouts of sickness on his part. Of course, there were underlying problems between us to begin with, but his repeated colds (that he also used as another excuse as to why we didn’t play anymore) brought things to a head and lead me to ask to have my collar removed.
Things with Master are fine and I’m not saying we’re on the verge of a break-up or anything, but I just find it really messed up that instead of being able to wait patiently for my SO to get better and things to resume as normal, I actually get irritated and let rip with thoughts that are best talked through when both parties are able-bodied.
I’m not sure whether it’s the sense of suddenly being thrust into the driver’s seat that makes me panic and become all emotional, but I really find it sad that instead of being compassionate and caring at the times when he needs me, once more I become totally focussed on me, my problems and I.
Does it have to be about me all the time?