Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing has changed as far as he is concerned – I’m still his slave, he still owns me. Whether I want that to be the situation or not doesn’t even come into the equation. It is that way; it has been that way; and will be that way as far as he is concerned.
Which is good for me. I don’t want things to change per se because I’m happy with things as they are. I don’t want him to suddenly treat me as his ‘partner’ or have him walk on eggshells around me, I just want him to realise that my waning interest is not waning interest in him – it’s waning interest in what I used to be interested in.
I’ve always thought that things generally have an expiration date. In my case, my interest in things probably comes and leaves slightly quicker than it does for other people, so when I have a craze for something, I leap into it and then once I’ve had my fill, I depart stage left.
But as I said, my waning interest won’t really affect Master. I’m sure he will still do what he wants to do when the mood takes him, but I’m also hoping that in an indirect way, my waning interest will perhaps ‘dull’ his interest in certain things. I’d enjoy less of the public stuff, less of the ouchie stuff and less of the me needing to be slavey stuff. Whether I actually do get a reduction in these things remains to be seen, but Master is a nice guy and in my experience, nice guys do nice things for people they are in a relationship with, so fingers crossed.
To be honest, I don’t know what his feelings are towards play. I’ve asked him a few times whether he is as interested as he used to be but I’ve never received a direct answer. The only thing I have to go on is the layer of dust on top of things we used to play with and from that I could safely assume that his interest levels and my interest levels are pretty much in sync.
But then I wonder whether his interest has already waned because of my wane. Has he already picked up on my negative feelings towards play and unconsciously adjusted things? I know it’s often the case that people will bounce off another during play and if one party is not up to scratch, the other will be the same, but I’m not sure in his case. I’d really like to know if it was one way or the other. If his interest has waned and we’re just going through the motions of teasing each other about ‘beating my ass’, I’d like to know. That way I wouldn’t feel so….guilty? I’m not sure if that’s exactly how I feel but I’m at a bit of a loss at how to describe it.
On the other hand, if he is still interested, I’d really like to know that too. I don’t know whether that knowledge would change anything for me, but there is always the possibility that it could be a bit of kindling for my fire. I dunno. It’s hard to say without hearing the words.
I think it’s hard when your man isn’t a sadist and you’re not a masochist. I’ve often asked why we do the ouchie stuff if neither of us is really into it, but the only answer I really get is that it’s a sign of submission. Either that or he tells me I have a ‘beatable’ ass and therefore it gets beaten. Personally I also think that the M/s stereotype is at work and we feel obligated to do stuff because that’s what is expected.
Anyway, what I wanted to say was that nothing will change. I’ll still wear the shiny thing. I’ll still blog. And I’ll still whine.
Welcome to the new me 😉