M has always used word porn as foreplay. It’s the prelude to a ravishing and quite different to your normal ‘dirty talk’. During word porn he normally talks about what he wants to do to me, his plans for the future and how he hopes to continue to make me feel my slavery.
The first ravishing after I went back to freedom was really strange – he was quiet. In fact we were both quiet. And he seemed to be constantly grappling for something to hold me with since I no longer had the shiny thing around my neck. Lacking a ring with which to loop his finger through, he settled for my ear. It was kind of cute – in a bizarre way.
M’s word porn over the past few days has turned into a bit of Q & A session. He asks questions and I ask questions. The only problem is, neither of us has any answers.
He asks questions like, “Are you my slut?”, “What is your cunt for?” & “What do my rings through your cunt still make you feel?”
And I ask questions like, “Why do I have to do the ouchie stuff?”, “Why do I have to be your slave?” & “Why can’t we just be us without the labels?”
See? The impossible questions that just don’t have any answers, keep spewing forth.
After much thought and pondering, I’ve come to the conclusion that my biggest problem with slavery is that I don’t see the point. I don’t understand why he needs to have me as ‘property’. He has me now, what difference does the label make?
I think I would have fewer problems with slavery if he was a sadist and we were constantly playing. If we were doing stuff all the time and I lived in a constantly state of use and pain and whatever have you not, I’d understand why he wanted a slave. I would totally agree that he needed a slave that he could do whatever he wanted to at the drop of a hat if he was that way inclined, but he’s not.
He says that the ‘option’ of being able to do whatever he wants to do to me, whenever he wants is what he wants – whether he exercises it or not. To me, I don’t see that the struggling and questioning and emotional toll that the whole ‘slave’ concept takes on me, is worth what little use the ‘slave’ aspect of my life gets.
Now, I’m not complaining about lack or play and stuff, because seriously, I don’t want to do it. I’m totally fine with zero play because it means that I don’t have to have ouchie stuff done to me or do things that I don’t want to do.
He said to me last night that he wants to cane me. And I was like, “Why??” And he said that he ‘enjoys it’.
And it’s little exchanges like that, that totally send my head into a spin. I mean, if you enjoy something, you do it often, right?
I enjoy bondage, so I tie myself up at least once a week, sometimes, two or three times. It’s something that I’ve always done and will continue to do because I enjoy it. I like omelettes, I eat omelettes. I like reading blogs, I read blogs.
I can’t remember the last time that he caned me. Maybe….ummm…five months ago? Six? I can’t even remember. To me, that doesn’t sound like something he “enjoys”. I can’t help but think every time he mentions it, that he’s only doing it because it’s what is expected of him as a “dom”. I can’t think that it is something he actively seeks out because he wants to and that annoys me immensely!! I mean, don’t do the stuff if you’re only doing it because everyone else is!!
I suppose here is the point that he would say, ‘I don’t do it often because you don’t like it.’
And that sends me into another head spin because isn’t the whole slavery thing supposed to be me submitting to stuff regardless of my feelings and him doing what he wants also regardless of my feelings?
Which brings me back to the point of, if that’s not the case, why bother?
To date, he hasn’t given me one reason to be his slave other than, “Because I want you to be.”
I’m not sure that’s enough.