A change is as good as a holiday

I decided to throw off the covers and start afresh by attempting to update the look of my blog. I’m staying away from the darker colour schemes that tend to go along with blogs of a ‘kinky’ nature and I’m going for PINK for no other reason than I’m a girl and every girl needs some pink in her life!

I’ve been playing around with different themes and backgrounds and things so just bear with me while I get things sorted, okay? I know parts are hard to read at the moment and some things are broken on different browsers (what is it with everything looking beautiful on my iMac and then looking like crap on IE??) but I’ll do my best to get it up and running asap.

In the meantime, I’ve had some questions come in (have I mentioned how much I love getting questions?? *hint, hint*) so I thought they’d be great blog fodder:

What i wonder is how did you get from being willingly pierced, tattooed, and a steel collar locked around your neck, to where you are now?
What an excellent question, t and thanks for asking! Actually, I’ve been pondering this very same question for the last few days and I have absolutely no idea.
I guess the only thing I can say is: I started disbelieving.
I’ve mentioned before the need to suspend ‘disbelief’ in order to be a slave and by that I mean you have to consciously stop believing that you are anything but a slave. For M/s in our modern world, the suspension of disbelief is the only way you can get yourself into the mindset of slavery, because, let’s face it, you’re not and cannot be forced into slavery.
But you have to believe that there is no other way, no other life, or why else would you choose to live the life of a slave?
I know some people talk about being ‘fulfilled’ by slavery and that nothing makes them happier, but I seriously question how can you be fulfilled by not having any rights, choice or decision-making powers? How can you be happy living under the will of another even if their will goes against everything you ever believed in? What possibly is there to get out of a life like that?
I know some people don’t enjoy making choices and prefer to have their decisions made for them, but I still don’t see that as a reason for choosing to be a slave because there is so much more that goes along with the ‘title’ of slave than simply having someone pick your wardrobe and deciding on your entre for dinner.
It’s funny because I used to be someone that batted for the other team. I used to get angry at people who didn’t understand my reasons for being a slave, i.e. the need for the safety and the security of the collar.
But now I’m thinking, maybe I was just hiding behind the collar. Maybe what I really needed was a real connection with someone that allowed me to see that slavery was not the only way I could feel secure.
In many respects, the collar had been holding me back. In some sad, twisted way, I almost felt like I wasn’t supposed to be happy because I was a slave. I also felt like I wasn’t supposed to have feelings for my owner because I was his slave. I didn’t want to admit my feelings because it would make me somehow ‘less of a slave’ and I was already struggling with feeling inadequate as a slave to begin with so I refused to admit anything.
Actually, I was embarrassed to admit it.
Now I know there are a lot of ‘supposed’s in there. A big part of my problem is my perception of slavery and being hemmed in by what I see as ‘slave absolutes’. But honestly, I can’t change those. They’ve been built up over time and now are so firmly fixed in my mind that trying to change them would be like trying to convince myself that a raw egg is something I want to eat. I’m not saying it couldn’t be done, and it’s not like I haven’t tried, but I’m saying that I simply don’t have the skills to do it myself.
Which brings me to the next question:
May i ask if you have told your ex Master what you really need to continue as his slave?
The short answer? Yes and no.
I’ve told him what I enjoy and what works for me (i.e. bondage). He also knows my motivation for becoming a slave in the first place (i.e. needing to feel secure).
But that absolute part of my brain tells me that I shouldn’t need anything but what he chooses to give me as his slave.
The reality is though, that I did have a need to feel secure that has been met beyond the confines of slavery and now I need something else to entice me to give up my rights, decisions and choices.
And the absolute part of my brain tells me that it’s blasphemous for a slave to want something in return for her slavery.
And that’s where I’m stuck.
Yes, I have needs for certain types of play & sex – but it’s just play & sex and something that doesn’t require me to be a slave. So I don’t know what I could get out of slavery now that would encourage me to take up the collar again.
(And the absolute part of my brain tell me it’s beyond blasphemous that I’m talking about collars and not hyperventilating in excitement at the mere thought of something encircling my throat.)
I understand that M has a need for me to be a slave. I know that that’s what floats his boat and he doesn’t want it any other way, but I’m tempted to ask,
“What’s in it for me?”
Which, we all know, if I’m asking that particular question, it’s a bit of a problem.
I’ve said before that M/s is very much like a business transaction and there has to be something attractive in the deal for both sides, so would I be a slave just to suit M?
I don’t think I could sustain it and I don’t think he’d get much out of my half-assed attempts at being one.
Oh wait, are we talking about the hypothetical future here or the past I’ve just come from?
Am I the only one having deja vu?

8 thoughts on “A change is as good as a holiday

Add yours

  1. I have no real insights. Well I do, but I don’t think it’s helpful for me to just blah blah my own views, but I just wanted to say that I think you’re one of the most honest, insightful, brave people I ‘know’. I value so much reading your thoughts and opinions about your life and I think I could benefit from thinking and communicating about things as openly and honestly as you do.

    Whatever happens, and I don’t suggest it will be easy, but I think you can rest easy in the fact that you question, express and are thoughtful enough, whatever that means.

    I’m not expressing myself well, but I just wanted to say I admire you.

    x milla

  2. Hi K,

    strange to write a comment here, so far I was just a quiet reader. I too have always enjoyed reading your blog, for it was funny and well written. And it is always difficult to say something about the situation somebody else is in because – inevitable – you will never know the whole story.
    The one thing that strikes me just now and I don´t really see it is a good thing to do for yourself or for what remains of your relationship with M: I got the feeling that you are stepping away from many things that were of value for you for quite a period of time and taking the opposite point of view and being rather negative about the values you have had then. Maybe it is not like this at all and I misinterpret what you are writing completely, I apologise if that is the case.

    Just wanted to say that it is perfectly ok to change and to feel that different things have become important to you and also to step away from things you did in the past, but without the need to… “burn the bridges” behind you (ok, now that was a bit of a dramatized expression). At the end if things don´t suit you anymore you have to face the consequences and carry on in a different direction. You are just starting to do this and I wish you very good luck with it.

  3. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a slave/submissive to ‘get something’ out of her M/s relationship. If she didn’t get anything at all out of it, then I would really wonder what the point of it all was.

    I think that subs/slaves have the right to ‘get something’ in return for their submission/slavery. What is the point in submitting to someone who does absolutely nothing for you? I don’t mean money or gifts, but I do believe that part of being a Dominnant is encouraging and aiding the slave/sub to grow – in all ways.

    What would YOU get out of slavery? I don’t know. Your sense of security no longer seems to be bound by the collar and that is your primary need.

    I think that you need to sit down and really think about what you would want from a Dominant. What you would want your Dominant to help you achieve in your role by filling his role.

    I consider myself to be a slavegirl, and I love what my collar means to US. Would it mean the same or anything else at all to another couple? No idea, but they’re not us, so it doesn’t matter. I get things for my slavery – he is my leader and my provider. My cheerleader when I need it, my taskmaster when I need that, my rock, my hard place, my security blanket, on and on. I get many things.

    I give many things.

  4. I have a question for you. I read that you have a deep appreciation for the security you feel with M. But what would happen if he said that the security, acceptance and companionship you have now is dependant on you continuing as his slave? What happens when M realizes that this is not just a “phase?”
    I truly love your blog. Best wishes, danni.

  5. All of the blogs I read and post to occasionally I found off of a link on someone else’s blog (except the very first one, which was linked to from a non-blog site). I stuck with this one in a large part because it seemed like a conflicted, though not excessively so, perspective on BDSM slavery by someone who was already in the life. I wanted to see what kinds of issues might be significant to my own slave in the chance I would be able to find one in the future. (That hope is not seeming quite so distant as it once did; after living with me for well over a decade, my mother’s moving out in December.) This might not have been obvious since I commented on that particular subject the least; not much I could say most of the time, since my personal experience in that area is nil.

    Now I’m wondering whether to continue reading for other reasons (including, possibly, how this “post slavery” goes), whether to find another blog of this type, or both.

  6. For me, my desire and want for an M/s relationship is security just as yours was. But also, I feel like this dynamic helps me to be more considerate and aware of my partner’s feelings and desires. But I feel like this dynamic allows my partner to be more considerate and aware of my feelings and needs too. I’ll never be suspended in disbelief, and I don’t think I’d want to be. I think, even within this dynamic, both parties have their own needs and desires. Everyone looks to “get something” out of their relationships with people, no matter what label you put on the relationship. I will say though, that no matter what is going on in my relationship or my dynamic, I will always need consistancy. I know for me personally, when his dominance and when the play/discipline isn’t consistent, I do one of two things – 1) cling to it desperately or 2) push away from it and convince myself I don’t need it. Either way I know the consequences of his inconsistency and my emotional reactions set us up for nothing good.

    I don’t have anything that useful to say. The point I was trying to make was that, although you have the “absolute slave rules” in your head… I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with you wanting something out of your dynamic with him (if you chose to be his slave again), ESPECIALLY if you have more than just a play-oriented relationship with him. When you’re that close to someone, both of your needs become incredibly important, and its not just a role to fill anymore. There’s nothing wrong with the dynamic shifting and fitting to the people you grow into being together. So yeah… just remember to make choices that make you happy. Even if you decide to put back on the shiny thing, slaves deserve to be happy and fulfilled. Besides, happy slaves make better slaves, right?

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