I decided to throw off the covers and start afresh by attempting to update the look of my blog. I’m staying away from the darker colour schemes that tend to go along with blogs of a ‘kinky’ nature and I’m going for PINK for no other reason than I’m a girl and every girl needs some pink in her life!
I’ve been playing around with different themes and backgrounds and things so just bear with me while I get things sorted, okay? I know parts are hard to read at the moment and some things are broken on different browsers (what is it with everything looking beautiful on my iMac and then looking like crap on IE??) but I’ll do my best to get it up and running asap.
In the meantime, I’ve had some questions come in (have I mentioned how much I love getting questions?? *hint, hint*) so I thought they’d be great blog fodder:
What i wonder is how did you get from being willingly pierced, tattooed, and a steel collar locked around your neck, to where you are now?
What an excellent question, t and thanks for asking! Actually, I’ve been pondering this very same question for the last few days and I have absolutely no idea.
I guess the only thing I can say is: I started disbelieving.
I’ve mentioned before the need to suspend ‘disbelief’ in order to be a slave and by that I mean you have to consciously stop believing that you are anything but a slave. For M/s in our modern world, the suspension of disbelief is the only way you can get yourself into the mindset of slavery, because, let’s face it, you’re not and cannot be forced into slavery.
But you have to believe that there is no other way, no other life, or why else would you choose to live the life of a slave?
I know some people talk about being ‘fulfilled’ by slavery and that nothing makes them happier, but I seriously question how can you be fulfilled by not having any rights, choice or decision-making powers? How can you be happy living under the will of another even if their will goes against everything you ever believed in? What possibly is there to get out of a life like that?
I know some people don’t enjoy making choices and prefer to have their decisions made for them, but I still don’t see that as a reason for choosing to be a slave because there is so much more that goes along with the ‘title’ of slave than simply having someone pick your wardrobe and deciding on your entre for dinner.
It’s funny because I used to be someone that batted for the other team. I used to get angry at people who didn’t understand my reasons for being a slave, i.e. the need for the safety and the security of the collar.
But now I’m thinking, maybe I was just hiding behind the collar. Maybe what I really needed was a real connection with someone that allowed me to see that slavery was not the only way I could feel secure.
In many respects, the collar had been holding me back. In some sad, twisted way, I almost felt like I wasn’t supposed to be happy because I was a slave. I also felt like I wasn’t supposed to have feelings for my owner because I was his slave. I didn’t want to admit my feelings because it would make me somehow ‘less of a slave’ and I was already struggling with feeling inadequate as a slave to begin with so I refused to admit anything.
Actually, I was embarrassed to admit it.
Now I know there are a lot of ‘supposed’s in there. A big part of my problem is my perception of slavery and being hemmed in by what I see as ‘slave absolutes’. But honestly, I can’t change those. They’ve been built up over time and now are so firmly fixed in my mind that trying to change them would be like trying to convince myself that a raw egg is something I want to eat. I’m not saying it couldn’t be done, and it’s not like I haven’t tried, but I’m saying that I simply don’t have the skills to do it myself.
Which brings me to the next question:
May i ask if you have told your ex Master what you really need to continue as his slave?
The short answer? Yes and no.
I’ve told him what I enjoy and what works for me (i.e. bondage). He also knows my motivation for becoming a slave in the first place (i.e. needing to feel secure).
But that absolute part of my brain tells me that I shouldn’t need anything but what he chooses to give me as his slave.
The reality is though, that I did have a need to feel secure that has been met beyond the confines of slavery and now I need something else to entice me to give up my rights, decisions and choices.
And the absolute part of my brain tells me that it’s blasphemous for a slave to want something in return for her slavery.
And that’s where I’m stuck.
Yes, I have needs for certain types of play & sex – but it’s just play & sex and something that doesn’t require me to be a slave. So I don’t know what I could get out of slavery now that would encourage me to take up the collar again.
(And the absolute part of my brain tell me it’s beyond blasphemous that I’m talking about collars and not hyperventilating in excitement at the mere thought of something encircling my throat.)
I understand that M has a need for me to be a slave. I know that that’s what floats his boat and he doesn’t want it any other way, but I’m tempted to ask,
“What’s in it for me?”
Which, we all know, if I’m asking that particular question, it’s a bit of a problem.
I’ve said before that M/s is very much like a business transaction and there has to be something attractive in the deal for both sides, so would I be a slave just to suit M?
I don’t think I could sustain it and I don’t think he’d get much out of my half-assed attempts at being one.
Oh wait, are we talking about the hypothetical future here or the past I’ve just come from?
Am I the only one having deja vu?