M wanted to put his collar back around my neck last night, but I resisted.
I guess that’s reason #785 why I don’t think I’m a slave – resisting collaring (lol…sounds like something you could be put away for three to five for…)
I’ve still got a bit of a wall in front of me as far as this whole ‘slave’ thing goes. I’m really hung up on the label of ‘slave’ and thinking that if there is a label, there needs to be a reason for the label. I’m not content to just wear the title, I need to wear the life.
In my talks with M before we discussed how vanilla stuff had gotten and how treating me as anything but a slave is a bad idea if you want me to be a slave. I know theoretically that as a slave he could tell me an orange is an apple and I would have to go along with that, but that’s only after I’m a slave. At the moment, I’m still stuck on ‘getting there’ and I just can’t accept the ‘you’re a slave’ band aid he wants to keep putting over things.
So I said that I wasn’t ready for the collar to go back on yet because I didn’t know that I was a slave yet.
And that of course made him all huffy and he wouldn’t discuss things.
I was also really tempted to just walk off in a huff and let things be, but I just couldn’t let things slide. I had let things slide for ages and look what good it did me; I ended up nothing but confused and totally lost.
So I pursued the man to his bed and after all offers of back scratching and bum massaging were declined (which is when you know he really is huffy) I attempted to explain why I didn’t think I was ready for the shiny thing to go back on.
And he told me I get too hung up on labels and that in my head I will ‘never be a slave’ because I have all these pre-conceived ideas about what a slave is and that I will never accept being a slave unless I’m chained naked to some concrete cell somewhere and only fed gruel because that’s what I think being a slave involves.
Well, I have to say in my head being a slave does consist of being miserable and yes there are images of concrete and chains and stuff like that, but I’m not totally stuck in that idea because I know realistically that could never happen and that although the idea of being treated cruelly is hot, the reality is not so hot.
Having said that though, I do think that being a slave has to involve things above and beyond the ordinary vanilla of our lives.
I need something to separate the mundane from the slavery and now I’m kind of fixated with the idea that I need to earn my collar or be re-trained or something. I can’t just have it put back on and go about life like nothing happened.
I need the collar to mean something and I need my slavery to mean something too.
So M has decided to embark on a programme of control to get me into the mindset that I’m not free and that I’m subject to his whim. He is started with something that is near and dear to my heart – food.
The New Regime
- Slave must reach slave weight 55kg (+- 3kg).
- In order to reach slave weight of 55kg, slave must implement eating plan.
- Slave has special food bowl.
- Only food in slave bowl can be consumed.
- Food in slave bowl must be approved by Master first.
- Slave bowl is to be placed on floor at Master’s feet and this is where food shall be consumed.
- Slave shall eat when Master gives permission.
So that’s it. He’s not micro-managing me or telling me what to eat (the slave weight was a goal I set and it’s up to me to plan my food to get there) but there is a bit of control factor involved in the actual eating of the food.
Physically there is also reinforcement of my place by eating at his feet, lower than him and if he chooses, I will have to wit until he has finished eating before I can start (although I’m not sure how me sitting there drooling and pulling funny faces at him while I watch him eat will go down…lol)
I like the idea. I like the idea of taking normal activities and putting a slave twist on them. Obviously this can’t happen all the time like when I’m at work and when we go out with friends and things, but I will try to abide by the rules as much as possible.
It’s not the sort of thing that is going to immediately send me to slave head space, but it’s a start. I’m also supposed to be giving him a slave greeting every day of the week now instead of just on the days I have off so that will help too.
Small steps to set me in the right direction.
P.S There’s a new quirky Japan post here