Very shortly it will be my fifth anniversary of being a slave.
Five years that have included, two owners, several collarings, mystery shoppers, play parties and numerous experiences.
So what have I learned after five years?
I’ve learned to fear.
Five years ago I had no fear whatsoever. I felt nothing but excitement over plunging into the unknown and experiencing everything that this lifestyle (for wont of a better word) has to offer.
Basically I had no fear because I was a blank slate. My sexual experiences up until that point had been totally vanilla and what I had done to myself in the privacy of my bedroom never ventured beyond my borders of comfort.
I was totally open to anything and everything.
No limits? Sure!
Three litre enemas? Bring ’em on!
Piercings through my twat? Ummmm……ok….
Seriously, I would have been a sadists dream – knowing nothing, viewing everything without bias and up for absolutely anything.
Then I experienced things; I learned about pain, humiliation and enduring. I also had that awful realisation of the fact that everything isn’t fun and enjoyable and for me, some things are impossible. I can and will fail – whether I like to admit it or not.
So then things got a bit scary.
What I’m trying to figure out now though, is whether I’m fearing things because I know what will happen and what it will feel like or whether I’m fearing the possibility of failure
That’s why doing things to yourself is safe – you can give yourself just enough to get to that point of yummy-hurt without having to worry about over-loading the system. Once things start edging into failure territory, or, as I like to call it, get-those-fucking-nipple-clamps-off-now!!!! territory, if you’re the one in charge, you can.
There’s no need to be stoic through the pain or in fear of what nasty thing will come next that may be too much to bear. When you’re calling the shots, it what you say goes.
But it’s not real, because I’m the one in control, I’m the one calling the shots and that doesn’t let me prove anything to anybody. I want to be pushed so I can prove my submission, but at the same time I don’t because I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to have to say, ‘I can’t take this!’ I don’t want to concede defeat and more importantly, I don’t want to be placed in a position where I even have to.
Fear can be a wonderful motivator, but it can also be an equally impressive de-motivator.
Which one is it for you?