I’ve been in a slump about myself for a while now – feeling bad about myself, my looks, my weight, my life.
I get this way every so often and it starts slowly and then starts to spiral down in a great big vortex that sucks up anything and everything around it. At the moment I’m trying to find someway to knock myself out of my self-indulgent reverie, but I’m not being too successful.
When I get like this I get a bit hippy. Generally it’s my appearance that starts to suffer first and I go make-up-less to work in whatever clothes I can find in my general vicinity to put on (usually the exact same clothes I wore last week). My bush and legs revert to au naturel style and I grab whatever I can find in the fridge/cupboard to eat. I don’t really give a shit about anything.
I wouldn’t call it depression so much as apathy. I just can’t seem to give myself that push into care-factor territory that would set me on the straight and narrow.
Just quietly – between you and me – I’ve also been binging…again.
**insert appropriate sigh here**
I just keep screaming at myself in my head , “Stop putting that crap in your mouth!”
But I don’t.
I can’t muster up enough of a care-factor to even stop myself.
I’ve had a Master-imposed eating plan for several weeks now, but I’ve always said that no enforced eating/diet plan will work unless the enforcee actually does it. If you’ve got no access to money and the fridge and cupboards are all locked up and you physically can only eat what you are given, it would probably work. But let’s face it, that’s not what happens and at the end of the day YOU are the one who has to have the will power to stop putting crap in your mouth. End of story.
And at the moment, I don’t.
I feel dirty.
And not in a nice way.
So now I’ve outed myself and I’m sure there will be some form of punishment to follow, but the sad thing is, that I don’t even have a care-factor about that. Maybe I’m outing myself because I’m hoping that some form of punishment will put me on the straight and narrow, or maybe I’m outing myself because I just don’t care.
I’d like to feel clean again.
I’d like to wake up without my stomach being physically being sore from eating crap that I didn’t even taste or enjoy.
I’d like to take pride in my appearance.
I’d like to feel sexy and attractive.
I’d like to be clean and I’m the only one who can do it.