Dirty

I’ve been in a slump about myself for a while now – feeling bad about myself, my looks, my weight, my life.

I get this way every so often and it starts slowly and then starts to spiral down in a great big vortex that sucks up anything and everything around it. At the moment I’m trying to find someway to knock myself out of my self-indulgent reverie, but I’m not being too successful.

When I get like this I get a bit hippy. Generally it’s my appearance that starts to suffer first and I go make-up-less to work in whatever clothes I can find in my general vicinity to put on (usually the exact same clothes I wore last week). My bush and legs revert to au naturel style and I grab whatever I can find in the fridge/cupboard to eat. I don’t really give a shit about anything.

I wouldn’t call it depression so much as apathy. I just can’t seem to give myself that push into care-factor territory that would set me on the straight and narrow.

Just quietly – between you and me – I’ve also been binging…again.

**insert appropriate sigh here**

I just keep screaming at myself in my head , “Stop putting that crap in your mouth!”

But I don’t.

I can’t muster up enough of a care-factor to even stop myself.

I’ve had a Master-imposed eating plan for several weeks now, but I’ve always said that no enforced eating/diet plan will work unless the enforcee actually does it. If you’ve got no access to money and the fridge and cupboards are all locked up and you physically can only eat what you are given, it would probably work. But let’s face it, that’s not what happens and at the end of the day YOU are the one who has to have the will power to stop putting crap in your mouth. End of story.

And at the moment, I don’t.

I feel dirty.

And not in a nice way.

So now I’ve outed myself and I’m sure there will be some form of punishment to follow, but the sad thing is, that I don’t even have a care-factor about that. Maybe I’m outing myself because I’m hoping that some form of punishment will put me on the straight and narrow, or maybe I’m outing myself because I just don’t care.

Who knows?

I’d like to feel clean again.

I’d like to wake up without my stomach being physically being sore from eating crap that I didn’t even taste or enjoy.

I’d like to take pride in my appearance.

I’d like to feel sexy and attractive.

Clean.

I’d like to be clean and I’m the only one who can do it.

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9 thoughts on “Dirty

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  1. Can you say seasonal affective disorder? You ought to look in to it and perhaps have your hormone and thyroid checked.

  2. You say it’s not depression, but apathy IS symptom of depression. So is binging. So is not caring about one’s personal appearance and upkeep. Mat made a good point about the Seasonal Affective Disorder. (You’re not my Mat, are you?)

  3. As a suffer of SAD, I certainly agree with Mat. It is something worth looking into especially if the majority of your episodes occur during the winter months. A cure might be something as simple as Vitamin D suppliments or more exposure to the right kind of light.

  4. Everyone else beat me to the SAD suggestion. I agree with the others that what you’re describing does sound like depression to me. It’s worth looking into either SAD or “normal” depression (or both) and seeing if you can get some help.

  5. I’ve been there. More than once. Summer – Winter makes no difference. I’m sorry that you’re feeling bad about yourself and I want you to know that I’m immensely impressed with this post, with your openness. My Dom and I have followed your blog for about a year now and always look forward to all your witty and at times sarcastic observations. Having been there, I know it won’t do much good if I tell you that you are beautiful and that you have a nice body and that just yesterday I was thinking how cozy you and M have it, so I won’t. But know that I appreciate you.

    1. Thanks for the lovely comment – it did make me smile.

      I’ll make further efforts to be wittier and more sarcastic in future 🙂

  6. Vitamin D deficiencies are becoming more and more common even in summer months with the increased use of sunblock and sunscreen. Having Vitamin D, hormone, iron, and thyroid (you get cold easily) testing would be a good step.

    1. Hi Mat (not Lexi’s Mat..lol),

      Thanks for the advice. I get cold easily because I have Raynaud’s Syndrome. I’ve had my iron levels checked and they were fine.

      Personally I just think I need to buck up and get over it. I’m sure my blah-ness will pass in time.

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