Blah

I have something to say:

It’s better to burn out, than to fade away!

And if you said, “There can be only one!” in response to that, you’re a child of the eighties. Welcome to my era.

Okay, enough reminiscing…

I’m still feeling blah, but I really don’t think there is something wrong with me.

Granted SAD might be a possibility if you’re living in some OMG place where you have two hours of sunlight a day, but I live in Perth which has an average of eight hours of sunshine all year around. Which is exactly why Perth is filled with pommies escaping their infamously bad English weather – that and the fact that you can buy a house ten times the size here for the same money.

I’m just funky and out of sorts. Aren’t I allow to mope around a little and throw surly looks at people, or do I have to wear a t-shirt that says ‘goth’ for it to be okay?

One thing I would like to desperately get off my chest is that when I’m not feeling the best about myself, having really unfortunate pictures of me plastered all over the internet, does not in any way, shape or form make me feel any better about myself. In fact, it makes me feel a shit load worse.

So, if anyone wants to be supportive of me while I’m going through this funk, all you have to do is DON’T TAKE FUGLY PICTURES OF ME!!!

And FFS, DON’T POST THEM ON THE INTERNET!!!

OK?

Is that too much to ask?

I think a lot of this feeling bad about myself thing is due to the increasing focus on my looks, my clothes and my weight during my interactions with M.

I’ve never wanted him to get involved in that side of business from the very beginning for the simple fact that they are extremely sensitive topics as far as I’m concerned. I know what I look like. I know my problems. I don’t need anyone else to get involved with them but me.

If I had a dollar for every conversation I’ve had with him that involved ‘slave weight’ over the past few months, I’d be a very rich woman. I try not to wave his flaws in front of him like a red flag and I’m very conscious of not discussing certain sensitive topics because I know they are hurtful so why can’t he do the same for me?

I’m sure he is likely to say in his defence that it’s just ‘wordporn’ or whatever, but words.hurt.me. I take them all in and file them away. Three or four times a day I still randomly think of an off-the-cuff mark that a friend made months ago. It still hurts.

Not ‘hurts’ in the sense that the words are bad, it’s just that they make me accept reality. It’s not that what was said was not true or particularly insulting or anything like that, it’s just that when I think about it, suddenly I’m slammed back into reality and disappointment that I’m not better/beautiful/sexy/whatever washes over me.

It’s reality and it’s harsh.

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11 thoughts on “Blah”

  1. Yet the thousands of words l say that are positive about you are just thrown away in the wind

    You say your ugly that is your perception not mine

    Photos of you, you say you don’t like, make you look ugly, got news for you and l am sure lots of people agree with your far from being ugly even on your very worst day.

    You got issues and they are in your head for lots of reasons and probably for all the things that didn’t quite go your way when you were young, but your not in that environment anymore and your not living with someone who doesn’t gives you lots of support encouragement and love, so l will just say this get over it and stop angsting about yourself, you’re the only one running yourself down with negative self criticism.

    Love

    M

  2. Perhaps it would be worth looking into a therapist or a support group with concerns to negative self-image. It seems to me that your negative self-image is a stronger force than any positivity in your life, and you are more willing to entertain that than any good. It might be worth a shot, and may be just what you need in the long run.

  3. Sometimes people just get down in the dumps for no reason other then the “blah” factor. I have had plenty of days sometimes weeks. In my own opinion, (ya know what they say about them.. everyone has one and most of them stink) I think you should try to bounce back out of the funk your in yourself with positive help from your friends and loved ones.

    Heck, it took talking to a complete stranger in the grocery store to bounce back. Small steps always help to. I’m not saying what you should or shouldn’t do. But some things can’t really be helped by outside help that don’t really have any idea of whats going on in the inside.

    Everyone should be allowed a “blah” moment. After all your human… I hope. 🙂

  4. ok so maybe my experience with this stuff isn’t the same since I’m diagnosed with stuff and have been hospitalized multiple times for stuff etc. But I can relate to what you say about certain topics/flaws are too sensitive or personally hard to deal with. I think its better, in this type of situation, that those certain things are not main topics of discussion or main topics of whatever relationship dynamic you happen to be in. Appearance and weight are very sensitive topics for me too, and there have been times when my dominant has tried to have a say in what i eat or how i dress and it’s completely backfired. Even if intentions are pure and good, it can inspire or dredge up very harsh self-criticism. If you happen to be a person who is very aware of or hard on yourself for your flaws, knowing someone else is just as aware of or will even punish you for them can hurt or make you feel worse.

    My therapist always tells me that whatever i’m feeling is what’s real, no matter if other people agree with me or not. Yes, someone telling you you’re beautiful can be flattering or make you happy, but its not going to suddenly change how you view yourself. And they shouldn’t expect it to. You need to see it for yourself. Sometimes a “reality check” or a different perspective is needed, but I will never agree with the “get over it” attitude. What you feel about yourself is very real for you, and it should be respected and ideally given understanding and patience. I have no doubt that your Master loves you very much. I’m sure he feels frustration that the good things he tries to communicate to you seem to be overshadowed by your blah or megative feelings about yourself (my SO always feels that way). In the end though, like you’ve said yourself, its up to you to try and learn how to feel the way you WANT to feel, rather than just feel the way you hate feeling. Its good to ask for support, and even better to have support, while learning how to feel more positive and happy feelings towards yourself. Hell, I’m just a stranger who reads your blog and I’d be more than happy to help and encourage you. From what i see you have many blog readers who want to encourage you and see you feeling better about yourself too. I’m sure you have friends and family who would be just as happy and willing to be there for you in whatever degree they can be. I’m sure the man who not only serves as your Master but says how much he loves you would want to help you too. Sometimes its just hard for other people, especially those closest to you, to understand how you see or feel bad things about yourself. And its even harder for them to understand when they feel powerless in their efforts to help (especially when they happen to have naturally dominant personalities, IMO). So yeah… I’m long-winded, sorry lol. But I really hope you feel better soon, and that you and your Master can both talk about things and figure out how best to learn what helps and what hurts. I know how hard it is to live day by day with negative feelings about yourself, and how hard it is to even care or want to work towards feeling better. Unfortunately, there are no instant “feel better” pills out there. So I hope with encouragement, self-awareness, and application, you feel better soon. Take care ❤

    oh and ps – if you have problems with self-esteem, there are alot of little simple cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy exercises that can really help. Alot of them seem really silly or like they won't work, but if you can make yourself do that one little thing than making yourself do the harder things seems more possible.

    1. If you happen to be a person who is very aware of or hard on yourself for your flaws, knowing someone else is just as aware of or will even punish you for them can hurt or make you feel worse.

      You hit the nail on the head with that bit 🙂 Just acknowledging the fact that someone else is aware of my flaws is really tough. I can usually trick myself into believing that ‘no-one has noticed’ but once I get acknowledgement (even if it’s just to say, ‘it doesn’t bother me that…’) that kind of cinches it.

  5. speaking as a trained scientist and researcher teacher, I see a pattern in your funk times.

    Many arrive as the season turns. That said, perhaps you should consider speaking with a psychologist or your primary care doctor.

    Those that live in regions with high degrees of daylight hours often experience depression. This depression (funk) is brought about by the seasonal decrease in available daylight.

    For patients with traumatic brain injury or even with other mental issues its called sundowner syndrome. Many of those symptoms are easily treated with something called light therapy.

    Oh and “B a l a n c e, balance. you must learn balance highlander”

    I wish you well.
    Rarius

    1. Rarius, its interesting you mention *sundowner syndrome*, i work with people with Dementia and see that a lot but have not been taught how to deal with this as they are usually medicated…would you please explain to me the use of *light therapy*?

      1. Carina,

        some treatments have been tried using uv lights ( with some success). I know of this only from experience with family members in Alaska, where the sun does not shine for six months. The suicide rate doubles there when the sun heads south.
        I unfortunately have not data on the applications for traumatic brain injury.

        I wish you well.
        Rarius.

        (apologies, for highjacking your blog)

  6. I’m going to reiterate that to me this sounds like depression. I suspect you can’t snap out of your “funk” and I really think you ought to look into seeing a therapist or talk to your GP.

    There may also be issues going on between you and M that are effecting you, but I also see a lot of self-esteem stuff that’s shown up in multiple places in the years I’ve been reading you and I suspect they won’t go away if he stops talking about slave weight or taking pictures.

    Good luck.

    1. I don’t think my issues will totally go away if they’re not mentioned, but at least it would allow me to get a bit more control over my feelings. At the moment I’m bombarded from all sides with reminders of what I don’t like about myself to the extent that the feelings are over-flowing.

    2. Just to clear things for you Alyson, slave weight is a kitten inspired goal, l have never criticised her weight or her appearance in the years we have been together and indeed l gave her a lee way on her goal weight of +- 3 kilos which is more flexible than she gave herself and her slave weight is her ideal weight for her body size shape and metabolism.

      All l have done is given her instructions to eat from the same bowl for all her food, she has complete self control over what she eats and when she eats provided it is within her own formulated diet plan, which she has explained to me so l can know what she is allowed or not allowed to eat under her own regime.

      I have not set her a deadline for achieving her slave weight or ask her for her weekly weight, nor do l ask her whether she is going or up down on that goal, l merely state to her that she is to achieve her slave weight and she will be required to keep to that slave weight once achieved within the +- boundaries.

      Same as l don’t instruct her to exercise, go to the gym or swimming to achieve her weight, l consider her to be a sexy woman.

      Her angst blog is merely that a angst and in many aspects it takes things out of context or gives it a slant that isn’t justified

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