I had a thought last night while making dinner for M. I’d spent the day doing his washing, changing his sheets, running the dishwasher and sweeping up his little trail of peanut shells on the floor. I did a lot of things that day for myself as well like going for my run and getting rained on, doing some study and stoking the fire until it was a balmy 26 degrees in the house, so I didn’t spend the day entirely doing stuff for him, but it was while I was making his cauliflower cheese that the thought struck me,
Does he want a slave or a mommy and do I want a dom or daddy?
It was a thought that initially just flashed across my mind, but I haven’t been able to shake it – just like the scary 2002 Culture Club reunion concert that I accidentally came across on tv. Let me just say, Boy George could get away with it in 1985, but now in 2010, he’s just a frumpy gay man with questionable taste in fashion.
Anyway, let me explain. I think for a lot of guys, they just want someone to cook, sew and clean up after them and for a lot of women, they just want a man who protects, provides and kills spiders for them in the middle of the night. Huge over-generalizations, I know, but I really do think that’s that what relationships boil down to in a lot of cases.
Ignoring the kink, what do people really want out of an M/s relationship? Put in the simplest terms, a master wants someone to look after them and give them what they want and a slave wants someone to look after them and give them what they want. Their definitions of being ‘looked after’ will tend to differ as will their definitions of giving them ‘what they want’. In most cases though, the slave will look after the master like a mother – by cooking, cleaning and fetching – while the master will look after the slave like a father – by protecting, providing and making decisions.
I have a sneaking feeling that we just use the words ‘slave’ and ‘dom’ to get around the social stigma of ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy’ because saying you want a ‘slave’ or ‘dom’ is cool, while saying you want your ‘mother’ or ‘father’ is not. I also wonder whether all this talk about having ‘no right or choices’ is a way to get someone who will perform all the duties of , but not have the power of a mother and wanting someone who will ‘take charge’ but who will also ‘nurture & protect’ is just a daddy in dom’s clothing. All this talk about alternative lifestyles and roles & whatnot, but the essence of what we want in the other person is what we had or wanted to have when we were children.
How many men just want their shirts ironed, a kiss at the door in the morning and a hot dinner on the table after a long day at work? And how much easier is it to get that when you’ve got a slave?
Similarly, how many women don’t want the responsibility of making decisions or being the breadwinner and are happy to look after the house? And how much easier is it to get that when you’ve got a dom?
In this day and age, it’s difficult and almost embarrassing to say that you want a man who provides for you and makes the decisions, but it’s acceptable to say you want a ‘dom’ who generally does those things. Is all this talk of slaves and masters, just a smokescreen for the age-old and now taboo, ‘traditional’ style of relationship in which the woman is a mommy and the man is a daddy.
I’m not bitching about having to do housework, in fact, I think it’s fair for me to do it – not because I’m the ‘slave’, but because I only work part-time, I’m home more than M is and he is the primary bread-winner. I’m also not bitching about having to get up before dawn on my days off, just to put his socks on and kiss him as he walks out the door, because I’m grateful that he goes to work and earns enough money so I can stay home. I figure it’s the least I can do and that maybe it softens the resentment he must feel towards me having to go to work in the cold while I stay at home in the warm.
I do have to say however, that it is a lot easier to justify those pre-dawn chilly mornings in my head if I think that I’m doing it because, ‘I’m the slave’.
It’s a very easy justifier – the “slave” thing. It also seems a lot more politically correct these days to say, ‘Because you’re the slave’ instead of, ‘Because you’re the woman’. Every question that leaves my lips beginning with, ‘Why…?’ can be answered with that oh-so-handy phrase, ‘Because you’re the slave’.
It’s the ultimate convenience in the convenience world we live in.