I’ve come to another conclusion:
I’ve gotta stop thinking so much!
I’ve just got to lay like broccoli and stop thinking that there is some deep, hidden meaning behind every single one of my interactions with M.
Situation 1 – He makes his own coffee.
I think: He thinks I’m a crap slave and wants to get rid of me
Actual situation: He’s standing in the kitchen and just can’t be bothered to ask me to do it.
Situation 2 – He doesn’t put my collar straight back on after I return from a run.
I think: I’m a crap slave and he’s already looking to replace me.
Actual situation: Fiddling around with the allen key is annoying enough without having to do it every second day so we might as well leave it off.
Situation 3 – He goes to bed without a back scratching and ravishing.
I think: He’s not interested in me anymore.
Actual situation: I’m dog tired so he’s taking pity on me and letting me go straight to bed.
It may just be me but there seems to be a depressing thread of insecurity and lack of self-worth in my thinking. You’d think after all this time that I’d be a bit more confident in myself and abilities, but I always seem to jump to the worst possible conclusion and immediately think that there is something wrong with me and that I’m somehow not ‘up to scratch’.
Which is almost comical because I get almost daily affirmations from M about my general fabulousness and he is the most supporting person I’ve ever had in my life.
I guess the problem is that I don’t have enough belief in myself to take what he says at face value. There’s always a niggling doubt that he’s just going through the motions and completing his part of the ritual.
I’m always a sucker for a good ritual, but this is one that gives me no pleasure in its completion.