Bun in the oven

So I have some surprising news…

Just forget all the moaning and whining I did about people doing the ‘obvious’ relationship thing and deciding to pop one out. You may also need to forget the fact that I made up my mind never to have children.

Because this morning, somewhere between home and the train station, I fell pregnant. And what’s more,  this pregnancy has been uberly fast-tracked and I’m already at the ‘obvious’ stage.

Or at least, that’s what I assume.

Because I can think of no other reason why a middle-aged guy would give up his seat to me in a peak-hour commuter train, other than because he thought I had a bun in the oven.

(Note to self: do some sit ups.)

There I was, minding my own business in the train, squished up between several older ladies and smelly kids and so I positioned myself in front of the priority seats where there was a free strap to hang onto. And the guy sitting down in front of me does the ‘tummy assessment’, makes movements to get out of his seat and says, ‘Do you want to sit down?’

And I’m like, ‘No, no, I’m fine thanks,’ and went back to watching Eddie Izzard on my iPod.

But the dude gets out of his seat and says, “There you go” and moves away doing his best possible white knight impersonation. So I have to do the uncomfortable sit-down thing while the thirty other people standing up give me death stares and the older ladies still standing up quietly plot my death.

(Note to self: stop wearing empire line tops and do some sit ups.)

And that’s how I became pregnant.

I’m guessing four months or so.

Or am I being cynical? Did the dude offer his seat to me out the of the goodness of his heart? Or was it one of those mystical acts of chivalry that ones hears about sometimes like men holding seats for you and opening car doors?

See, I have a little bit of trouble believing that it could be anything but a case of mistaken-fat-tummy. Ten years of catching public transport in Japan ingrained in me the idea that it’s every man for himself as far as getting seats on public transport is concerned. That’s why they’re anal about lining up and there are all the unspoken rules about train etiquette – because a seat is the holy grail. People in Tokyo catch trains in the opposite direction and sometimes go as far as to move houses so they can sit down. And once you’ve got a seat, old ladies, pregnant woman and people on crutches aren’t enough to pry you out.

I remember late one night catching a train home and a lady fainted dead away on the floor (not drunk or anything, she was obviously suffering low blood pressure or something.) Of the five seats she fainted in front of, mine was the only one she got offered. Everyone else was obviously superglued in or they were too busy thinking that her acting was good, but not that good. I’ve also seen people vomit in trains and not be offered a seat. Yeah…life in the metropolis is tough.

I’ve only been catching trains here regularly for a couple of years, but I’m still pretty cynical about getting offered seats.

Anyway, so I can home from work and told M what had happened and he didn’t seem surprised. In fact, he didn’t say anything at first and just sort of stared at me in an enigmatic way as though he was contemplating telling me that I really needed to do some sit ups.

Then, after he obviously thought better of telling me I needed to do some sit ups, he got his sense of humour back and asked me who I’ve been fucking on the way to work.

I was tempted to suggest my new ‘umbrella love-bird’ friend at the bus stop who now CHIT CHATS with me about the weather on a daily basis (that whole umbrella thing just opened up a pandora’s frickin’ box), but I felt that us humping on the side of a busy suburban street would be a bit unbelievable.

Doing it on the back seat of the bus up with the ‘bad kids’ seems much more believable don’t you think?

I’ll wear my badge proclaiming me a member of the transperth club, which is like the mile-high club (but only covers sexual acts in public transport vehicles in the greater Perth metro region) with pride…lol.

(Note to self: do some sit ups. Seriously.)

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