It’s always so hard to find something that is just right.
Like the search for the perfect pillow – not too high, not too low, but just right.
Or the perfect pair of jeans – doesn’t give me a muffin top, doesn’t give me a fat ass, but just looks half-decent and doesn’t require me to hooker myself out in order to be able to afford.
That thing, that place, that is just right and ticks all my boxes, can be very elusive indeed.
My blogger buddy biddable, from whom I apparently caught my ‘bun in the oven’ (who knew pregnancy could be caught over the innernets??lol…) wrote a lovely piece the other day about not feeling like she fitted into one of the traditional ‘groups’ of either slavey folk or traditional marriage folk.
Reading her entry was like one of those sledge-hammer-to-the-head moments for me. Thinking about my ambivalent feelings towards slavery, I’ve realised that I’m not exactly a gold member of the small-s club, but yet, I’m not a fully-fledged member of the ‘nilla and proud of it club either.
There are things I like and things that seem completely normal to me that would set the hair of a member of the ‘nilla and proud of it club on end. Similarly, there are things in the small-s club that I couldn’t imagine doing (submitting?) to now: ‘You want to put what through my labia??’
Ages and ages ago someone asked me whether I wanted to ‘go back’ to my ex-husband and I responded with: ‘I couldn’t, I’m not that person anymore.‘ And in fact, I still feel that way. I’m not the same person I was pre-slavery as I am now and I just wouldn’t feel right living a totally vanilla life.
But I’m also not feeling right about living as a ‘slave’ (whatever that is…and whatever that involves…)
I’m somewhere in the middle, with a toe in each pond and wondering which way I want to go. I need to jump into one of them, because I don’t think I can just stand out on the pontoon by myself forever.
The ability to identify with a particular group is pretty intrinsic to human nature. No matter how much we like to think in the modern world that we can get along with just our wits, an iPhone and an adequate bank balance, without other people and without belonging to groups, we get no-where. Life is set up in such a way that you need other people.
Like everyone else, I want to be a member of the group. I want a nice, pretty club badge that I can wear with pride.
Now all I need to decide is which club.