On bondage and security

I’ve been doing this thing in bed for a while and I never knew why until I was watching a tv programme the other day and it all made sense.

For several months now I’ve had this thing of wedging myself between pillows in bed – one behind my back, one in front of my front.

Except I’d kind of laying on them at the same time so I’ve got a sleeping-in-pillow-valley effect happening.

And it feels great.

And just so that you get what I mean, I drew you a picture using my fabulous artistic skills:

The programme I was watching was about great inventions of the twenty-first century and body pillows were one of the products mentioned. Apparently humans get a great sense of peace and security by being wedged between things when they sleep.

I’m not a big fan of being wedged between something that farts and snores, but I’m a big fan of the spoon. It’s a nice feeling to know that your significant other has got your back.

Actually, I do have a few more things wedged around me when I sleep:

In winter I actually have two doonas as well as my three pillows that I wedge around me. But now when it’s HOT, I’ve just got a doona cover that I wrap my legs around that functions as a sheet.

Usually I’ve got lots of crap on my bed too:

I promise I’ll stop drawing pictures now…

So then I got to thinking about bondage. I know a lot of people describe it as constricting, claustrophobic and painful and while it can be all of those things, it can also be comforting, calming and impart a great sense of security to the bondagee.

I often think about why I like the things I do. I’m always trying to figure out what makes me want something and  abhor something else at the same time. Aside from the bondage stuff, I also love hugs and spooning (except during ridiculously hot days of summer when having someone else even in the same room makes me hot) and holding hands. All these activities ‘encircle’ me and make me feel secure and safe so it’s not such a stretch to see why being tied up makes me feel all warm inside as well.

I haven’t felt the need for bondage for quite some time and I’m wondering if it’s because I’m fulfilling that need on some level every night while I sleep.

I have to say, a bed, three pillows and a doona is much more comfortable than a pair of cuffs and a dog cage….

Yee-haw, this week’s round-up!

Where to begin…where to begin….

  • I received a care-package in the mail from my good friend in Japan on Friday. She often sends me goodies when my supplies of the necessities of life like peperoncino-flavoured pasta snacks and cantaloupe kitkats, are getting low.
Care package part 1


I’m especially looking forward to using the sushi-kit and the chicken and burdock root mix for rice.

Part 2 - Okonomiyaki ingredients, furikake & salted konbu

She also included some Hello Kitty goods she received from the bank when she opened a new account. I actually think that I’d prefer to pass up the free gifts and get more than the 0.01% interest rate the banks offer. But then again, that calendar with the bow is damn cute.

Fulfilling my role in the great-Japan-gift-giving ritual I will now send her a package of goodies including the best that Australia has to offer: killer python gummi, nasi goreng instant noodles and yoghurt covered dried fruit. Yeah… you’re hard up to find something interesting in the supermarkets of the land of down-under. I might see if I can mix something koala-shaped in there too (I’ve done the chocolate caramello koalas to death so need something else…)

  • Last week I also got my certificate to say I’d passed the Japanese test I took back in December last year. I was expecting to also find a sheet of paper in the envelope giving me the break-down of my scores in each section, but finding nothing I called the organizer of the test to get some more information. She told me over the phone that I’d scored 179/180 and only lost one point.  What was hilarious though, was that after hearing my score, I wasn’t deliriously happy that I’d passed, I was bummed that I’d missed out on a perfect score by just one point…lol. That’s the A+++++  over-achiever in me coming out to play.
  • In an effort to reduce some of my commuting stress and use my time more wisely, I’ve started getting off the bus early and walking up the hill to my office. Time-wise it’s much the same as being jammed on a bus and I get to do a bit of exercise. The down-side is that I need to wear sneakers and I’m too lazy to get changed at work. So I’ve been doing the very unattractive business-clothes-with-socks-and-sneakers look. I said to myself that I was never going to do it because it looks so 1980’s (in fact, if I had big hair and shoulder pads I would be looking like Melanie Griffith at the start of Working Girl before she has the transformation) but I caved and went for no-blisters over fashion.
  • Work was pretty…meh. Long days, lots of problems and a fair amount of stress. I had  dinner out on Thursday night with a visitor from Japan, but he was totally in English mode so I respected that and spoke in English with him for the entire evening. It’s always a bit tricky to know what language to speak as I know myself how annoying it is when people ‘assume’ that you can’t speak a language, so I generally only switch to Japanese if I know their English is not so good and or if they talk to me in Japanese.
  • I cut M’s hair as he was beginning to have a definite ‘crazy-professor’ look about him and it’s been too hot to be wearing anything that you don’t need to be. There was a very impressive pile on the hair after I’d finished:

Not as impressive as the six-inches he mistakenly (??) cut off my hair, but still impressive none-the-less.

  • After reading many scare-mongering stories of bananas reaching $15/kilogram after the floods, cyclones, fires and everything else, we purchased bananas for $2.99/kilogram at our local market. This is why I don’t read newspapers anymore – that and the fact that there are many more interesting things on the net than newspapers:

I *heart* chewie.

The real reason women buy shoes

It was a magical insight that hit me like the briefcase wielded by the dude on that oh-so-crowded bus on Thursday morning that nearly took my head off; the real reason why women buy shoes.

We don’t buy them as a stress release, as a distraction from the drudgery of life or even out of a strange obsession to own that perfect pair that doesn’t pinch and that you can happily walk around in all day.

No, we buy them because they are the only things we can adorn ourselves with that don’t give us body issues.

That and jewellery.

Oh, that’s also why we can never have enough pretties to hang from our ears.

During my recent forays into the world of office attire shopping, I’ve been painfully reminded of why I hate clothes shopping. Every time you try on something that is too small, every time you try on something that makes your ass look even bigger than it actually is, every time you realise you are past the age where you can wear micro-mini shorts and layered singlet tops, you get a little more depressed about yourself, your body and how your recent diet has been yet another failure.

Shoes are the only things that you can happily not fit into. If you try on a pair and they’re too small, well, there’s not much you can do about it. You don’t have to berate yourself that you need to lose 10kg, you just brush it off as a ‘small size 8’ and move onto the next pair. You can’t change the length of your feet – you were born with them that way and no amount of exercise, calorie counting or lipo is going to change that.

Granted, you can lose a bit of puffiness from your feet by slimming down and pregnant women are known to go up a size or two from fluid retention, but the struggle to buy shoes doesn’t involve anything like the humiliation level of taking a skirt into a changing room and not getting it up past your knees.

Shoe shopping makes you feel good about yourself. It’s rare to go shoe shopping and not find at least a pair that needs a good home. I generally come out of a shoe shop with at least two pairs…sometimes three or four…and I’m flushed with the feeling of success at having found things that make me feel normal. When it comes to clothes, I can spend hours trying on item after item that wave my body inadequacies in my face like a red flag in front of a bull. I rarely fit into a ‘standard size’ anything and even when I find something, I’m craning my neck to get a look at myself from behind.

You don’t try on a pair of shoes and want to ask, “Do these make my heels look big?”

So that’s why I think women really buy shoes.

Unless of course, they have a boot/shoe fetishist in their life and they buy them just to please him. 37 pairs of boots and 25 pairs of shoes and counting…

Ten Japanese porn-ish words you never needed to know

1. paipan (no hair ‘down there’)

The first time I saw this word I immediately thought it was a new type of underwear that either (a) had boobs on it, (b) contained boobs or (c) was in the shape of boobs, due to the fact that ‘pai’ generally refers to something to do with boobage and ‘pan’ is a shortened form of pants i.e. underwear.

The word actually comes from the Chinese pronunciation of the name of a mahjong tile that is completely smooth, has no markings on it and is pure white. There is a category of porn devoted to paipan as having a smooth nether region is still a bit of a novelty in Japan. The brazillian hasn’t quite swept the nation as it seemingly has everywhere else. I think this is mostly due to the fact that it is still illegal to show naked private parts in porn in Japan (although a lot of porn seems to get around this ‘law’ and even with the pixelation you can always squint…:) )

I saw this t-shirt for sale on amazon jp and it did amuse me:

"When you see an American woman think paipan"


2. ebi purei (shrimp play)

Apparently there are folk amongst us who enjoy the feel of shrimp and other assorted shellfish thrashing around on their skin. Ideally one is supposed to be in bondage when said live or otherwise crustacean is placed on one’s naked body. The squishy, slimy feel of oysters and live shrimp with the shell removed (but head on) is apparently titillating.

It brings a whole new darker side to throwing another shrimp on the barbie.

3. mokubazeme (wooden horse torture)

You might remember I featured a picture of this most favoured of Japanese tortures in the post I did about hentai. It actually used to be a torture device used on criminals and the weight of the body bearing down on such a small surface area becomes excruciatingly painful after any length of time.

To be specific, this type of wooden horse is a sankaku mokuba (triangular) so it’s not your everyday garden mill wooden horse that you had when you were a kid. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have been wearing a ball gag while you were playing on your wooden horse either.

4. kinkeripurei (kicking balls)

I didn’t realise ball-kicking was a fetish, but apparently it is. And by ‘ball’ I do mean what you think I mean.

5. harigatazeme (torture by insertion of various toys)

Japan makes most of the really good vibrators and dildos that are sold around the world. The reason why is mostly due to the fact that there is a huge market for massagers and other things that will provide relief from katakori (stiff shoulders), which is an epidemic in Japan. I’ve heard a few theories as to why Japanese seem to suffer stiff shoulders more than other nationalities and funnily enough one of those reasons was due to their high consumption of rice….(although, I’m not sure how the other countries that have rice as their staple food  fare….)

Harigatazeme specifically refers to things that ‘expand’ so we’re talking butt plugs, dildos and other assorted things.

As far as vibrators are concerned, Japan is the home of the rabbit and the hitachi wand. Funnily enough, you can’t actually buy a ‘hitachi magic wand’ in Japan though. Hitachi doesn’t even sell hand-held massagers domestically and they are made specifically for the overseas market. And just because I’m a stickler for things, please pronounce it as hi-tachi not hai-tachi.

The ‘Fairy’ is the vibrator of choice in Japan at the moment and it looks suspiciously like a magic wand. It’s available in four sizes and with the ‘pocket-size’ being rechargeable with a cell-phone-like recharger, you can now masturbate anywhere.

6. kannoushousetsu (porn stories for women)

I guess they’re like a harlequin romance novel, but are a bit more explicit.

There is a quaint tradition in them for calling certain parts of the anatomy by flowery and poetic names such as:

  • 陰茎 penis:肉樹  meat canopy (I couldn’t think of a good word other than canopy; think the top shape of a tree)
  • 膣 vagina:蜜壷 honeypot
  • 小陰唇 labia:花弁  flower petals

Oh Rhett, put your pulsating meat canopy through my flower petals and into my honeypot!

7. fudezeme (calligraphy brush torture)

I guess it’s the Japanese alternative to feathers. All you need to do it tie someone up and torture their ticklish bits with a calligraphy brush. Calligraphy brushes are generally made from horse, ferret, squirrel, goat or cat hair so you can get a variety of different sensations.

8. chirarizumu (sneaky perving)

I’m not exactly sure why, but in Japan there is a thing about seeing things that you’re not really supposed to see.

Chirarizumu covers a whole variety of perving activities like: paichira (boob perving), burachira (bra perving), chikuchira (nipple perving) ,buruchira (bloomer perving) ,burichira (briefs perving), ashichira (leg perving) and perochira (tongue perving). It’s really not so much perving, as being able to get a glimpse of the forbidden. You’ll also notice that there are different words depending on the type of underwear that the victim is wearing from bloomers, to briefs.

9. zettairyouiki (the absolute zone)

This is the area of thigh flesh between the top of thigh-high socks or boots and a mini-skirt. It’s a bit of a thing between otaku geeks and it’s one of their favourite areas to perv on.

10. bukkake (spilling your load on someone)

If you google bukkake in Japanese, you’ll come up with a load of images like this:

Bukkake means to ‘throw something on haphazardly’ so it’s generally used about noodles that are covered with toppings or rice that is covered with meat and veggies. You have to hunt around for the other meaning of bukkake:

That concludes our Japanese porn word collection. Please try to use some of these words at your next dinner party.

Is that a wookie or a hairbrush?

I thought it was about time I cleaned my hairbrush….

(Photo inspired by Sephi’s recent haircut and reference to baby wookies.)

Now that hairball would be enough to choke any bad-ass kitty. I’m surprised I’ve got any hair left on my head….

Well, another week has gone by without a blog from me. Not much has happened except copious amounts of work and a visit from the red plague of death.

Actually I have a funny story about when plague came to visit last Sunday. I was a bit ‘antsy’ so I was watching some porn on my laptop and can I just say that watching porn on my new laptop is a very pleasant experience!!! Yay for uberly fast downloads!!! So anyway, I was watching porn and feeling a bit juicy so I decided to find out what was happening below. One finger….two fingers…three fingers… and by this stage I was thinking that this was the juiciest I’ve been for quite some time and I was getting quite excited by the fact.

Then I looked at my fingers.

And the sheets.

Hello plague.

Sorry….was that TMI?

In other less TMI news, remember that Japanese translation contest I said I’d entered a couple of months back? Well, I won. There were only 37 entries and apparently I sucked the least making me the winner. The award presentation is this Friday so I’ll be going to collect my prize cheque and get my photo taken for the newspaper…lol.

I had a phone call a couple of weeks back to say that I’d won and I suggested to M that with the winnings we get the range rover serviced and the car alarm fixed. For several months now the ear-piercing car alarm has gone off for several minutes whenever the car has been unlocked. Pretty much we’ve been announcing to the whole neighbourhood whenever we go somewhere in the car and a trip to the supermarket involves standing around in the carpark with the alarm going off and everyone staring at you as through you’re trying to steal your own car.

So $1000 later the range was serviced and we were told that after jiggling with the electrics, the mechanic couldn’t make the alarm go off and so he didn’t think it would be a problem anymore.

This morning we went out shopping and you guessed it….ear-piercing alarm echoing throughout the neighbourhood. Then we hit the supermarket and once again…alarm, alarm, alarm.

I’m feeling very peeved at this moment. The only reason I wanted to get the car serviced was so the alarm would be fixed and if it wasn’t going to be fixed, I could think of much better things to do with $1000. So to alleviate my peeves, I made another loaf of bread this afternoon. This time it was a Chia loaf. I find the kneading thing to be therapeutic and calming in a my-arm-is-about-to-fall-off-from-unaccustomed-exercise way.

Speaking of Japanese, I also got an email about the test results I did for the test way back in December – apparently the results are on their way. Yay??

The chick who has been away from work for the past two weeks is coming back on Monday so hopefully things at work will settle down a bit. Instead of doing two jobs, I’ll just be doing my job so I’m guessing things will stop being so crazy. Once they do I’m hoping to start up my running twat programme again. I’d like to do a half-marathon this year and I’m thinking that some runs around King’s Park after work would be just the thing to base my training programme on. I haven’t run for almost two months now so I’m guessing that it’s going to be back to the drawing board for me and I’ll be starting from zero again. Or is it like riding a bike? I’m hoping it’s the latter so I don’t have to go through those weeks of feeling like a totally unfit git and huffing and puffing around the place.

I never really said much about my resolutions for this year. Hey, it’s only February! Better late than never, right?!

  • lose five kilograms (ideally ten but I have to be realistic)
  • run a half-marathon in a half-decent time
  • go walking with M in the evenings
  • catch up with everyone who has sent me cards & emails and whom I’ve been ignoring during this whole job fiasco thing
  • blog at least twice a week…*cough cough*
  • do my ironing for the coming week before 10pm on Sunday nights
  • find something productive to do in my 2hrs commuting time everyday
  • be happier in my own skin

So if I owe you an email or a card or something, don’t faint if you actually receive one from me. And if you don’t receive it within the next couple of days, just laugh at how I suck at keeping my resolutions.