It’s not a tumour…or is it?

My sister’s visit to the specialist resulted in a, “We don’t think it’s a tumour, but we really don’t know what you’ve got” diagnosis.

Apparently tumours don’t show up as particular colours on an mri and they detected other areas of inflammation on her brain. All her blood tests were clear though, so at the moment, MS is still on the table. She has to wait two months and have another mri so they have a comparison of what is happening.

Two more months of mulling, worrying and why me??s

We’ve had a flurry of phone calls and text messages over the past few weeks.Being that talking on the phone scares me shitless and I avoid it like the plague, I don’t tend to call much so I think I’ve had a year’s worth of phone calls in the last week.

There have been lots of sobering comments from my normally sassy and oh-so-dry sister along the lines of, “I’ve still got lots of living to do,” and “How are my kids going to grow up without a mum?” that you just don’t know how to respond to.

It’s not been good.

And I’ve not been good.

I’ve been on a food bingeing bender and I’ve been craving things that make me feel in control and independent. I think this is what is behind my recent feelings of wanting to be behind the wheel of a car – that and I keep thinking ‘what if?’ and how I’ll need to be able to drive to take her kids to school…

I’m totally fixated by the thought of driving and scared shitless of it at the same time. In case you missed my discussion about why I don’t drive and you can’t be bothered to scroll back through five years of blogs, here’s a yoda summary:

Licence got.

Big accident had.

To Japan went.

Back to Australia came.

Fifteen years drive not.

Licence collecting dust in wallet, is.

Part of me is thinking that every other person drives, so why the hell can’t I? And the other part of me is getting totally worked up by it and I want to pee every time I think about it. M offered to take me ‘driving’ so I can get used to it, I but I think he’s working himself up so much about it that it’s totally turning me off the idea. He’s sending out such negative thoughts that I don’t think I want to put myself in that situation at all. I’m nervous enough by myself without him getting all super angsty.

In other independent thoughts stirring in my brain, the whole whiny, needy, dependent slave stuff is a total turn off for me at the moment. It totally grates on me to even consider being back there and I honestly don’t think I could even pretend to be there.

I’ve been thinking about getting rid of all the old posts on here, just because that’s not who I am anymore. I feel embarrassed and very self-conscious of what used to be. I dunno….

For everything, there is a time?


5 thoughts on “It’s not a tumour…or is it?

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  1. sweetie, im sending you sooo many many hugs….and prayers and good thoughts.. im so sorry about your sister…

    dont get rid of any of your posts- please take it from ” lil miss delet-er herself…. each post was you… will always be you… dont ever be mad about it, embarrassed about it…embrace it all and let it be.

  2. Hi,I was thinking about you and your sister just yesterday and wondering if you had any news. I am not sure what to say this time…it sounds hopeful…in my opinion. Its always difficult as we always want definite answers to such big questions,
    I am hoping that your answers are all good.
    And with regards to your blog, maybe you could just archive it somewhere.

  3. I’m continuing to send good thoughts to your family. I really hope they make a decision on what’s going on soon. Having dealt with undiagnosed medical stuff for years (finally got diagnosed), I know how shitty it is when you don’t know. I’m hopeful that your sister’s symptoms are currently so severe that it forces them to make a diagnosis. The one thing I would say is that if the docs try to fob it off on conversion disorder or anything like that at some point, please encourage her to keep fighting for a better diagnosis (with what you’re describing on her MRI, she shouldn’t get a conversion disorder diagnosis, but I don’t trust doctors about some things). Also, one thing to know is that not all cases of MS are equal (the description is sounding MS-ish to me and the ‘check again in 2 months’ thing is sounding very much like her doctors are thinking MS). Even if your father (IIRC you said he has MS) has progressed one way, your sister could progress another and treatments have improved greatly in the last 10-15 years (my info is pretty US-centric, but I’d hope that the Australian health system would have the same treatments available!). I do hope they’re at least trying to treat symptoms during the next few months.

    As far as driving goes, maybe this is not the time to make that decision? You’re upset about your sister and my experience is that driving while upset does not help your driving (especially if it’s the first time in a while and I’ve never gone as long as 15 years not driving).

    I hope you don’t delete the old posts in your blog, but I understand feeling so separate from that person. I like ahiddenslave’s idea of archiving if it’s too hard for you to have it out as it is.

    Everyone reacts to things differently and I’m not surprised that you’re feeling like you need to be independent. In all this do you have access to a therapist or someone you can talk to about what’s going on with your sister and your life and work out coping mechanisms?

    *hugs* You’re in my thoughts.

  4. My heart goes out to you and your sister having to wait even longer. It just plain sucks. Hang in there and support each other as only sisters can.
    The driving.. I never drove until I was moving from NYC to TX… had to drive! I went to a driving school, got my license in two weeks and although I hate it still.. I can do it when needed.

    And please don’t take down your old posts. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now and find the changes interesting… Perhaps an archive would be a good choice?

  5. Please don’t take down your posts and you certainly be ashamed of them. I am still in a slave relationship with my Master and found the things you said always interesting and often insightful. I don’t know if I will go along the same path as you. For me, slavery seems to be getting more necessary, not less.
    But slave or not I will always feel I have learnt much from you.

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