My sister’s visit to the specialist resulted in a, “We don’t think it’s a tumour, but we really don’t know what you’ve got” diagnosis.
Apparently tumours don’t show up as particular colours on an mri and they detected other areas of inflammation on her brain. All her blood tests were clear though, so at the moment, MS is still on the table. She has to wait two months and have another mri so they have a comparison of what is happening.
Two more months of mulling, worrying and why me??s
We’ve had a flurry of phone calls and text messages over the past few weeks.Being that talking on the phone scares me shitless and I avoid it like the plague, I don’t tend to call much so I think I’ve had a year’s worth of phone calls in the last week.
There have been lots of sobering comments from my normally sassy and oh-so-dry sister along the lines of, “I’ve still got lots of living to do,” and “How are my kids going to grow up without a mum?” that you just don’t know how to respond to.
It’s not been good.
And I’ve not been good.
I’ve been on a food bingeing bender and I’ve been craving things that make me feel in control and independent. I think this is what is behind my recent feelings of wanting to be behind the wheel of a car – that and I keep thinking ‘what if?’ and how I’ll need to be able to drive to take her kids to school…
I’m totally fixated by the thought of driving and scared shitless of it at the same time. In case you missed my discussion about why I don’t drive and you can’t be bothered to scroll back through five years of blogs, here’s a yoda summary:
Big accident had.
To Japan went.
Back to Australia came.
Fifteen years drive not.
Licence collecting dust in wallet, is.
Part of me is thinking that every other person drives, so why the hell can’t I? And the other part of me is getting totally worked up by it and I want to pee every time I think about it. M offered to take me ‘driving’ so I can get used to it, I but I think he’s working himself up so much about it that it’s totally turning me off the idea. He’s sending out such negative thoughts that I don’t think I want to put myself in that situation at all. I’m nervous enough by myself without him getting all super angsty.
In other independent thoughts stirring in my brain, the whole whiny, needy, dependent slave stuff is a total turn off for me at the moment. It totally grates on me to even consider being back there and I honestly don’t think I could even pretend to be there.
I’ve been thinking about getting rid of all the old posts on here, just because that’s not who I am anymore. I feel embarrassed and very self-conscious of what used to be. I dunno….
For everything, there is a time?