What’s in a name?

Apparently a lot.

As I mentioned before, it’s been disturbing how easily m has taken to calling me Mistress. Mistress this and Mistress that…I even get a Good morning Mistress, every morning. And on his blog, before I’d even decided on a name, he was calling me Mistress Kitten.

I started out my foray in d/s as subkitten. That was my nick on alt and at the time, I was stunned that it hadn’t been taken already. I guess it’s just an indication of how there used to be very few people ‘into’ d/s before it became cool and goth. On collarme, I was kitty in japan (because at the time I was…lol).

Then when I made my first blog on livejournal, I became subtle. It was a bit of a personal joke, because I knew that there is nothing ‘subtle’ about me, but somehow, calling myself  in your face, just didn’t have the same ring to it. For some reason, when I made my blog, I didn’t want the word ‘slave’ in the title. Although my catch phrase was ‘…a subtle slavegirl’, something stopped me from actually putting the word ‘slave’ anywhere on it. Maybe deep inside I was not wanting to brand myself with the title ‘slave’.

So now I’m Mistress Subtle.

You may call me Mistress 😉

I haven’t decided on an official name for my boy yet. I usually alternate between petmy greedy little slut boy and love crumpet. We’ve both decided that we think boi sounds a bit gay, so we’ll be staying away from that…until I get him a maid’s outfit.

Speaking of brands and names,  remember that thing I have tattooed on my ass? That thing that says, ‘slave’?

Yeah. That thing.

I’m actually okay with it. I think of it more as art than anything else and I suppose if I really wanted to stretch things, I could say that I’m a ‘slave to love’ *snickers*

Actually I’d be more inclined to tell anyone clueless that asked, “It means, ‘epic'”. Because, well, I totally am epic…lol.

Last weekend I changed my status on Fetlife to ‘Mistress’ (I was playing with the idea of ‘top’ or ‘dominant’ or something else, but settled on Mistress because I figure I can call myself whatever I want at the end of the day…) and I had m change his to ‘sub’ for the time being. He still has a lot of questionable pics of me on his profile that I’ll have to ask him to make private. I’ve already deleted all my questionable pics over there and I need to take some new ones – some pics depicting our current situation. I do think the video that m has on his profile of him kissing my ass is totally appropriate though, so it will be staying there for the foreseeable future.

The hardest thing

Something I always craved yet struggled immensely with at the exact same time was callous disregard.

My fantasies of use were generally based on a person callously having their way with me and disregarding my feelings, but for some unfathomable reason, the ways in which I was used were always things that I enjoyed or wanted and I felt pretty good about it – fancy that!

I’m not sure if you can actually call having exactly what you want done to you and feeling good about it, callous disregard, but hey, they were my fantasies and I’ll dream what I want!

 The problem with callous disregard, is when it actually is callous disregard. It makes you feel unloved and abused in a bad way when you’ve been living in your head where everything is filled with rainbows and bunnies.

 I woke up this morning to find my boy in a funk. I think this might have been his second official funk since we started the switcheroo and I’m pretty sure his funk this morning had been brought on by my supposed callous disregard to his well-being last night.

 He said he hadn’t slept well because he thought I’d ‘nicked his thigh’ during my attentions last night and it was painful. I got a torch and asked him to show me where his boo-boo was.

 “Here”, he said pointing to a big patch of nothing.

 So I kissed him and said, “Your problem is you’re telling me like I’m someone who cares.”

 Which elicited that Oh-fuck-I’m-subbing-to-a-crazy-woman look he gets in his eyes quite often these days.

 Regardless of what I say, of course I care about his health and well-being. I’m not a monster or crazy (regardless of what he thinks about me) after all. But what if I had wanted to hurt him, what if I’d wanted to nick him and draw a bit of blood? Shouldn’t he suck it up like the good little subbie boy he is??

 Of course he should.

 But he wouldn’t know whether I actually wanted to hurt him or whether I’d hurt him by mistake. I think if he knew that I was out to draw blood, then he would be more okay with it than if it was a mistake.

 I’m sure he would also be more okay with it, if he was into ouchie stuff and not just enduring what I’m dishing out, but that’s another story.

 So we come back to the idea of callous disregard. Although it can be orgasm material, while you’re submitting to the stuff of your fantasies, it’s more often than not, just damn annoying. It’s annoying to be hurt by someone who you don’t think gives a shit; it makes you angry, frustrated and quite often sends you into a funk especially when you don’t think they realise what they have done.

 But that’s the beauty of having been on both sides of the fence – I know what I’ve done and what he’s probably feeling. The question is, how can I use this to my advantage?

Please see below

I thought about making the title of this post:

I need to update my “about page” – can you get your collared slut boy to do that sort of shit? And more questions about domming for Mistresses new to the other end of the cane.

But then I realised it was too long and much funnier in the body of the post so ta-fucking-dah!

Is anyone else noticing the sassy tone to my writing recently or is that just me?

I think it’s a by-product of having someone enthusiastically lick your boots and call you at work five time in three minutes because they were told to find the hand-cuffs and they couldn’t. I could almost hear him peeing himself as he broke the news. I imagine he was thinking about what I’d do to him after his failure to find said hand-cuffs.

But seriously, am I that scary?

Little ol’ me??

I think he has been uberly worried ever since I watched several hours of Divine Bitches porn on the weekend. I found it very useful for ideas, but I do have to question the vigorous use of the strap-on. It does seem like a lot of work and I feel like I might chip a nail doing it….

So I’ve still got masses of stuff rolling around my head at the moment. I’m sure it would be fodder enough for posts for the forseeable future, but again I’m torn between how much to say here. I feel there is a certain image to uphold in being the quiet, silent domly type. I’m not sure I want him to see into my head too much when I’m the one in control because that illusion of control hinges on me seeming like I have all the answers and a clear direction. I think it annoys him more than anything at the moment that I don’t *know* if this is something I want to do in the long-term. As I’ve already said to him, I need more time to process everything and cope with the change in mind-set. Although I wasn’t very far into slave mind-set territory before all this started, it’s still been a big leap of faith for me.

But I have to say it is really, really eye-opening to be on the other side of the fence. Seriously people, if you haven’t made the jump already, do it! Actually, I think doing the jump earlier would have made me a better slave – although it sounds really weird to say that. All that angst and questioning, pondering and moaning would have been cleared up with a couple of days in bitch boots. Perspective truly is a fabulous thing.

I do know that I need to make some new purchases for the toy box or toy rack as it is now known. I got all anal on the weekend and hung everything up on clips around his bed so I would have everything within easy reach. I also felt it was educationally sound so his instruments of torture would be the last things he saw at night and the first things he saw every morning.

And now from the gallery…

This is the same man who once said if you ever decided to not be his slave you would have to leave? Just Wow. Never say never eh?!

Nope, never say never. You may also be amused to remember that I’m also the same person who said on several occasions that I’d never be able to beat someone’s ass and who cringed at even the slightest thought of being the one in control. Yesterday I had great fun eliciting more than a couple of ‘Owww!’s from him

Mwah, mwah, mwahhhhh!

I think this situation is an excellent example of how people are constantly evolving and changing. There are no guarantees that you’re the same person today that you were yesterday and I’d find it hard to believe that someone can remain the same over five years.

Congrats. Reading his blog I was struck by him leading you to do things too. I am glad you see and can’t wait to follow your and his adventures.

Thanks! I’m trying to figure out whether he realises what he is doing or is oblivious to it, or whether he knows and just doesn’t care. A cynical part of me is favouring the latter 😉

I’m actually really surprised at how similar and yet how different we are in our submission. He does things that I would never have dreamed of doing, yet doesn’t do things I’d expect as a given.

I’ve been reading M’s blog and I have to say it’s had me sitting here with my jaw dropped in amazement. I would NEVER have thought he’d take a submissive role, but hey life is short, if you two are happy then why the hell not? Nothing wrong with experimenting etc, who knows where it will go… Enjoy the journey… :)

Life is short and sometimes it’s good to go with the flow. We can’t all live the lives that we thought we wanted and we can’t all be what we thought we were. I would NEVER have thought he’d take a submissive role when he was making me cry or beating me black and blue, but hey, he looks pretty damn submissive with a rope around his balls and chained to the bed.

I’ve been reading his blog for the last week & it’s interesting to now read from your perspective.

Yeah, there are always two sides to every story. Sometimes it’s more interesting to see what one person chooses to leave out or what one person adds in. He’s also more of a blow-by-blow re-teller while I’m a more feelly-angsty-what’s-going-on-inside narrator.

One thing I’m curious about, having read both of your accounts: Do you feel as if he’s topping from the bottom? Or do you need his suggestions at this stage?

Topping from the bottom? As I said, he’s a work in progress 😉 I think there’s quite a difference between communicating and suggesting. While I like to know how he’s feeling or if there are any problems, I don’t need him to tell me what he enjoys or what he thinks I should do. At this stage, I’m still finding his efforts to steer me in his preferred direction amusing. I’m sure there will come a time when I stop finding it amusing and dues will need to be paid.

Whoa. Who’d have thunk it? I put myself firmly into the “blown away” category.

Me too 🙂

Did he just think to himself “I bet she’d like me to wear a collar all the time,” or did you mention this somehow? Or is that what he’d like you to want?

I certainly didn’t say I wanted him in a collar. At that stage, I was still in the WTF is going on??? head space and he was wholly driven by his feelings of what he wants me to want (regardless of how he might package them up as what he thinks would ‘please me’). Although I have said jokingly in the past that I would like him to wear the same collar so that he knows how it feels i.e the discomfort, the random feelings of suffocation, the heat, the weight. He may have mixed his want with my off-hand remark to arrive at the Paypal screen.

We’ve had a little discussion since the ordering of the collar incident during which I told him that now I don’t particularly want him in exactly the same collar as I used to wear – for obvious reasons.

Down the track, I might want him in that sort of collar. I don’t know. As I keep pointing out to him, he had years of thinking and plotting about how he wanted to keep his slave – I’ve had a week.

I am shocked but also like oh man. Pretty much makes you have new blogging stuff though! I think we always do too much with definitions. If your cool and he’s cool then why not? Good luck on this journey!

New blogging material galore! I’m wondering whether it’s the ‘right thing’ to divulge as much as a domly one as I did as a slave though. There’s a certain expectation of just doing the domly job and not picking through it with an emotional fine-tooth comb, don’t you think? Or is that just a boy/girl thing?

Stunned doesn’t even begin to describe me right now.

Lol. I knew you’d be floored. How about you bring up the idea with Scott? Hahahahaha! I’m sure he’d love the idea of licking the toilet while you crushed his balls 😉 Shame he hasn’t got man-boobs enough to nail them to something.
i’ve been following this development over at M’s blog (or should that be ‘m’ now? ;) ) so it’s interesting to read your perspective…it sounds to me like you two just plain ol’ love each other and whatever way that works, it’s worth a shot. :) i was wondering if you think this submissive tendency is in any way related to M’s search for employment?

And one more question, does the idea of having to always be the *strong* one freak you out? I mean I know you’re highly organised and very structured and considered in the way you go about things (good qualities in a domme I would imagine) but…I dunno…I guess I’m asking if you’ll miss being *taken care of* emotionally (if that makes any sense).

Little ‘m’…lol.

Has me becoming the bread-winner had an effect on our relationship? Absolutely. Personally, I find it very hard to play the submissive role when financially I’m in control. I know other people don’t have an issue with it, and a lot of slave boys pay to keep their Mistresses in the lap of luxury, but I find it challenging. Remember all that moaning I did about being forced and having no choice and that’s how slaves ‘have to be’? Yeah, well that still holds true for me as a slave. It may not hold true for M.

To be honest, I’m not sure what would happen if next week he started earning more money than me, but I have an inkling that he’s too firmly in the throes of collar fever just now to even let that effect things.

I think the idea of responsibility freaks me out a bit. That’s the single biggest difference between having play sessions and becoming Mistress and slave as far as I am concerned. I’ve generally shunned having responsibility up until now both in my work life and private life, but maybe now is the time for that to change. Maybe it’s time for me to grow up and take life by the balls.

Highly organised and very structured a.k.a is totally anal?? 😀 Yeah. M says I’ve always liked being bossy and getting my own way and actually that may not be too far from the truth. M is so not anal though, I wonder if he really knows what he is getting himself in to. There is a lot of one scoop of creamed potatoes, one slice of butter… oh… and four peas in me.

Hmmm… I wonder why I’m not surprised? Would I be more taken aback if I read here more readily? I don’t think so…

Maybe there’s no surprise factor because I suck at being a slave?

Thanks for all the comments and questions everyone.

When the kept becomes the keeper

You might want to get yourself a coffee and get comfy before you start reading this one. It’s going to be long…real long and what I have to say might even just blow you away.

Ready?

*looks around to make sure everyone is properly seated*

So…umm…I’ve been dommingdomme-ing… making M into my bitch for the past week.

He has been wearing a red leather dog collar, I’ve been beating his ass and he’s slowly morphing into something akin to the fairly needy, subbly-type thing I used to be.

That’s really fucked up, isn’t it?

Of course when I say ‘really fucked up’, I mean as unexpected and shocking as a cold, un-lubed nine-inch butt plug up your ass in the middle of the night.

I think I’m suffering from a bit of shock myself because I haven’t even started angsting about it. In fact, I’ve hardly given the whole situation a thought beyond, ‘Okay, so I’m the one with the strap-on on around here now.’

In my last blog, I’d mentioned how I was starting to have thoughts about torturing someone and at that stage I was thinking about the possibility of getting a girl whom both M and I could play with. That thought somehow got transformed very quickly into me trussing up M like a pig for roasting and cropping his cock and balls.

What a bizarre world we live in…

To be honest, I’m not actually sure how it started. I have a vague memory of M suddenly appearing from his bedroom, naked, and wearing a red collar and ankle and wrist cuffs last Saturday afternoon. I also have a hazy memory of cackling like a hag when I first saw him appear like that, but then when I understood that he was being deadly serious, I stopped and took a sobering look at the situation.

Could I do this? Is this what I wanted? Could I beat the ass of someone who used to beat mine?

I’ll be honest and say at the time that I felt very much like I was being forced into taking on a role that I did not feel comfortable with. I really didn’t know what to do.

Part of me knew that I couldn’t brush him off. I understood that if he was being deadly serious, the brush off would be soul-destroying and he’d never get over the rejection. But part of me knew that I did not want to be forced into something that I didn’t feel comfortable with.

So I went along with it. I ‘played’ the role of Mistress Kitten – although it was mostly on his terms. He was kind of telling me what he wanted done, but thinly veiling them as questions along the lines of, “You want to do xxx to me, don’t you?”

And he enjoyed it and I was…amused.

I pulled all the acting tricks out of my bag from my years of embarrassing community theatre and played it up. I put my bitch boots on, attempted a few mind-fuck double twists and put my extensive knowledge of his sensitive bits to good use. It was fun, entertaining and not nearly as ouchie as being on the other end of the implements.

I was stunned how well M just slid into it. He was like a duck to water and doing the, ‘Yes, Mistress, no, Mistress’ without missing a beat. I’d struggled and angsted over calling him, “Master” for months – years maybe. I’d felt horribly embarrassed and self-conscious every time my mouth even attempted to form the word, but he was happily peppering his answers with ‘Mistress’ so often anyone would think he had Tourette’s and ‘Mistress’ was an expletive.

He was compliant, obedient and pleasingly passive. For a man who has beaten, pierced and tattooed me, he was disturbingly easy to dominate.

I have a sneaking suspicion that he actually prefers to be dominated. He has always been more of a pleaser than a selfish dom. While he may have said that he chose to spoil me because he enjoyed it, I think he spoiled me because he knew that I enjoyed it. Even while being made into my bitch, he is extremely focussed on my pleasure – soaking up everything I give him like a sponge that can never be satiated.

Except, there is one thing which I’m going to have to work on. Like the boy he is, he has very specific things he enjoys and he is not afraid to let me know what they are or attempt to steer me in the direction of them. Not that I have much experience (read zero) torturing boys, but I hear they are a lot more…how shall I say?…demanding?…than girls tend to be. Although this may be nothing more than a misnomer or an urban myth, it’s my understanding that boys tend to be particular about the ways they are played with. It amuses me that M is like this too and it amuses me even more that he thinks he isn’t.

Case in point, on Monday he ordered himself a steel collar because he thought that I’d like him to wear a collar 24/7. Now, I may be new to this domme turning someone into my bitch thing, but even in my inexperience, I’m pretty sure the selection of the collar and even the idea to collar someone should be up to the one holding the beating implements. He thinks he is doing the right thing by getting me something he thinks I’d like, but is he?

And this is a fabulous example of the massive gray area that there is in the concept of ‘pleasing’ someone.

But that looks like the subject of an entirely new blog post or two…or ten.

So I’m treading a fine line at the moment between nostalgia and dominance. I look at the toys that were used on me and the man who used to use them, but now they are very different things. It’s strange to see the leash in my hand, but it not be attached to my collar and it’s even stranger to be buying lube in the supermarket, not for me, but for him.

I have a feeling that I will need to do things my way and with new things. At the moment there is a strange mix of revenge and ‘give him a taste of his own medicine’ in my domming. I need to cut the umbilical cord that, thin as it is, still ties me to submission and experiences I had.

And I need to put away my steel collar that is gathering dust on M’s bedside table. It’s not what it once was, and probably will never be again.

Where to begin…or is that end?

Let’s see… what have I been up to?

Well, I went home for a week for my mother’s surprise 60th birthday party (it was colder than cold), got the flu and took several days off work sick (coughed my lungs up), almost broke my rice cooker (total crisis moment), built my 90th floor on tiny tower (no cheating involved), wore boots for the first time in months (nearly fell ass-over-tits), rediscovered Legend of the Seeker on youtube (I’m lusting after Richard), cried because Eddie Izzard is coming to Perth and I won’t be able to go see him (I’ll be in Japan), got a pay raise and a bonus(not nearly enough), watched so much porn I’m over it (not even Public Disgrace is doing it for me anymore), got my flaming hippogryph from the Firelands dailies (I have no idea now what I’m supposed to do now until 4.3), almost wrote 35 blog posts (well, thought about writing 35 blog posts, but never actually put hands to keyboard), peed myself watching failblog videos (apparently it’s true what they say about 1 in 3 women over the age of 30 being unable to be 100% in control of their bladder), lost my mobile phone (there’s a good reason why you should back-up your contacts somewhere safe but I was too stupid to realise it), became very disillusioned by Season 4 of True Blood (I’m sorry, but it’s crappy and not even Eric’s buff bod is saving things) and that’s about it.

Holy never-ending paragraph Batman!

I’m sure there was more stuff that I did, but that’s my last couple of months in a nutshell.

See, there’s no need for me to blog any more than once every 2-3 months! I can sum it all up in one paragraph, people!

Work-wise I’ll be heading back to Japan in late November for a week to ten days. I’ll try and swing a few days of leave so I can have a few days to myself, and stock up on all the essentials. I’ll definitely be trying to go to an onsen (hot spring) this time as it will be cooler and I’m dying for one. I’ll just have to remember to take the tattoo covering.

Slavery-wise I don’t miss my collar or any of the angst associated with it. Actually it almost feels that was a totally different ‘me’ and now I’m someone else. I can’t imagine going back there and don’t think I ever will. M and I joke all the time about stuff. He’s going to send me to the ‘slave farm’ to get me ‘back on track’ and I’m going to ‘worp-a-ship’ his ‘authoratay’.

I went all danshari last weekend and went through my clothes, getting rid of everything I don’t wear anymore and I came across the piles of latex and leather stuff that made up my slave wardrobe. I don’t even know what to do with that stuff, so I just arranged it back into a nicer pile and put it back. I suppose it’s not actually ‘mine’ and M may want to give it to a future willing subject at some stage.

To be honest, I have had a few thoughts about how nice/interesting/entertaining it might be to have someone to torture and torment. Not saying that I’m going all dommely or anything, but just thinking about how it might be interesting to see the other side of the fence. Speaking from experience though, I know slaves are a whiney bunch and you can’t ever do anything right for them. I suppose the anal bitch in me wants to prove that it can be done right though. I think I’d be uberly harsh – maybe too harsh. Can former slaves make good dommes?

I remember before saying that I’d never be able to switch. And that is true. I’d never be able to do both roles at the same time. I’m one or the other. I have to totally reject one before I can take on the other. So from that standpoint, now is the perfect time for me to get all Mistress-y on someone’s ass. Girl or boy? Mmm…girl I think.

Any volunteers?

Mwah ha ha *insert evil & dastardly grin here*