The hardest thing

Something I always craved yet struggled immensely with at the exact same time was callous disregard.

My fantasies of use were generally based on a person callously having their way with me and disregarding my feelings, but for some unfathomable reason, the ways in which I was used were always things that I enjoyed or wanted and I felt pretty good about it – fancy that!

I’m not sure if you can actually call having exactly what you want done to you and feeling good about it, callous disregard, but hey, they were my fantasies and I’ll dream what I want!

 The problem with callous disregard, is when it actually is callous disregard. It makes you feel unloved and abused in a bad way when you’ve been living in your head where everything is filled with rainbows and bunnies.

 I woke up this morning to find my boy in a funk. I think this might have been his second official funk since we started the switcheroo and I’m pretty sure his funk this morning had been brought on by my supposed callous disregard to his well-being last night.

 He said he hadn’t slept well because he thought I’d ‘nicked his thigh’ during my attentions last night and it was painful. I got a torch and asked him to show me where his boo-boo was.

 “Here”, he said pointing to a big patch of nothing.

 So I kissed him and said, “Your problem is you’re telling me like I’m someone who cares.”

 Which elicited that Oh-fuck-I’m-subbing-to-a-crazy-woman look he gets in his eyes quite often these days.

 Regardless of what I say, of course I care about his health and well-being. I’m not a monster or crazy (regardless of what he thinks about me) after all. But what if I had wanted to hurt him, what if I’d wanted to nick him and draw a bit of blood? Shouldn’t he suck it up like the good little subbie boy he is??

 Of course he should.

 But he wouldn’t know whether I actually wanted to hurt him or whether I’d hurt him by mistake. I think if he knew that I was out to draw blood, then he would be more okay with it than if it was a mistake.

 I’m sure he would also be more okay with it, if he was into ouchie stuff and not just enduring what I’m dishing out, but that’s another story.

 So we come back to the idea of callous disregard. Although it can be orgasm material, while you’re submitting to the stuff of your fantasies, it’s more often than not, just damn annoying. It’s annoying to be hurt by someone who you don’t think gives a shit; it makes you angry, frustrated and quite often sends you into a funk especially when you don’t think they realise what they have done.

 But that’s the beauty of having been on both sides of the fence – I know what I’ve done and what he’s probably feeling. The question is, how can I use this to my advantage?


12 thoughts on “The hardest thing

Add yours

  1. Ms K – refer to item 4 of my comments on your previous post. At the end of the day, he was the one who came to you with his “submission”, he knows you are a newbie and sometimes when you play (as I am sure you know from past experience) shit sometimes just happens – he needs to realise that yes you still love him and care about him but his body doesn’t belong to him anymore and whether you mark it by choice or by mistake, he has no power over that….so tell him to “suck it up buttercup, build a bridge and get over it”… and believe me hun, the power is addictive as you are already finding out…so when he looks afraid, tell him he should be and you are only just getting started. That should shut up him up pretty damn fast! xxx Ms B

    1. I am curious as to the need to post opinion, even given with the best intentions. I’ve read the few posts written and those of her insignificant other and what I see is a fledgling domme, growing into her role with a fledgling submissive enjoying the experience.

      Both seem happy in their new roles in uncharted water and if anything subtle is doing extremely well in my opinion. Let them grow, let her ask if she has a question as all i see is the musings of an inquisitive and curious mind that has far from exhausted her own ideas, just is building the drive and confidence to apply them.

      Doing a fantastic job subtle, you’ve slid into your new role with a healthy caution and a natural talent and from the “sigh of relief” impression that i get from the posts of your plaything I would carry on as you are developing your own… style, without the need for numbered points.

      And naturally, I wouldn’t be worth two bits if i didn’t cast my own opinion… “indiferenttimes” mebbe?

  2. No probs Anonymous – I only use numbered points as I have spent many years working in a legal office environment lol and it is second nature to me – I am also quite anal when it comes to lists and correspondence 🙂 As your post is only listed as Anonymous I don’t know if you are from Perth but I actually personally know Kitten and m and they both provided me with support when I first discovered my kink side (they actually took me to my first kink party). m (when he used to be M) used to often make suggestions to me as to how to deal with my subbie boi and we often swapped ideas on subbie tortures and mind fucks. I am extremely happy to see that they have once again found their kink mojos. They are certainly not the first couple I have known whose roles have evolved over time and I am sure they won’t be the last. I know K well enough to know that she has things well in hand and I am sure she probably has a mental to do list (if not a spreadsheet). We are both list girls! Can’t wait to see them out and about at events again. 🙂

    Ms B

    1. Understandable,

      I think we can both agree that in the majority of cases new dommes and doms are both hammered with “the correct way” and I am extremely curious as to how this all develops considering the origins of the relationship, how early it is and how well they both seem to have taken to it. So my appologies if i have mistaken habit and personal banter for something it isn’t.

      Just doing what netizens do best and throwing my opinion into the pot 🙂

  3. having known both Ms Subtle and m for a number of years *real time* (i used to torture MsSubtle) i am sure they would both tell me to pull my head in if my comments warrant them to do so. they both know i mean well by what i say.

    who are you anon?

    1. Oh god…

      Have I presented myself as a white knight? That was not my intent… I simply left an opinion that was quickly corrected by the person concerned, appologised for and as far as I was aware delt with.

      As for who I am; I’m just a lurker, no one you know of, have read about or bumped into in reality. After posting my original comment I would of happily returned to lurkerdom but apparently it seems to have spawned into some form of pre-flame conversation.

      So with that I shall return the floor to the regulars and consider the matter closed.

  4. Having just read m’s last blog entry I was stuck by something. I know it’s non of my business, but he couldn’t wait for you to finish you phone conversation before he ate? Not only does that seem to be so non sub like, but down right rude.

    1. He asked for permission to eat before me and I granted it.

      I knew it was going to be a long conversation and there was no point in his dinner also getting cold.

  5. @ Anon – no I’d say it’s probably all good – carina is a good lady and I wouldn’t presume to speak for carina but I don’t have an issue with what has been said (carina and I are both pretty protective of Ms K and m)…so get off the floor …unless of course you enjoy it. 😉 I have been a lurker for some time myself, not due to personal choice, but more for personal health reasons.

    Ms B

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: