Something I always craved yet struggled immensely with at the exact same time was callous disregard.
My fantasies of use were generally based on a person callously having their way with me and disregarding my feelings, but for some unfathomable reason, the ways in which I was used were always things that I enjoyed or wanted and I felt pretty good about it – fancy that!
I’m not sure if you can actually call having exactly what you want done to you and feeling good about it, callous disregard, but hey, they were my fantasies and I’ll dream what I want!
The problem with callous disregard, is when it actually is callous disregard. It makes you feel unloved and abused in a bad way when you’ve been living in your head where everything is filled with rainbows and bunnies.
I woke up this morning to find my boy in a funk. I think this might have been his second official funk since we started the switcheroo and I’m pretty sure his funk this morning had been brought on by my supposed callous disregard to his well-being last night.
He said he hadn’t slept well because he thought I’d ‘nicked his thigh’ during my attentions last night and it was painful. I got a torch and asked him to show me where his boo-boo was.
“Here”, he said pointing to a big patch of nothing.
So I kissed him and said, “Your problem is you’re telling me like I’m someone who cares.”
Which elicited that Oh-fuck-I’m-subbing-to-a-crazy-woman look he gets in his eyes quite often these days.
Regardless of what I say, of course I care about his health and well-being. I’m not a monster or crazy (regardless of what he thinks about me) after all. But what if I had wanted to hurt him, what if I’d wanted to nick him and draw a bit of blood? Shouldn’t he suck it up like the good little subbie boy he is??
Of course he should.
But he wouldn’t know whether I actually wanted to hurt him or whether I’d hurt him by mistake. I think if he knew that I was out to draw blood, then he would be more okay with it than if it was a mistake.
I’m sure he would also be more okay with it, if he was into ouchie stuff and not just enduring what I’m dishing out, but that’s another story.
So we come back to the idea of callous disregard. Although it can be orgasm material, while you’re submitting to the stuff of your fantasies, it’s more often than not, just damn annoying. It’s annoying to be hurt by someone who you don’t think gives a shit; it makes you angry, frustrated and quite often sends you into a funk especially when you don’t think they realise what they have done.
But that’s the beauty of having been on both sides of the fence – I know what I’ve done and what he’s probably feeling. The question is, how can I use this to my advantage?