I have a question…

…was it my bad for not telling him specifically not to put the collar(s) on and leaving him to his own devices?

(see the previous post if you’re confused)

See, I think this is possibly where the cause of quite a few of our disconnects lays… I have a tendency to think that he will submit in the same sort of way that I did.

In my mind, I have a few basic sets of behaviours that I think are pretty ‘standard’ for a slave. These basic sets contain things such as not putting on/ taking off collars by oneself, being nice to your owner a.k.a making coffee, giving back rubs/foots rubs/ plague cramp rubs, saying please and thank you etc., asking your owner’s wants before making assumptions and so on and so forth. Basic stuff that, to me at least, comes with the territory of being someone’s property.

As I mentioned before, I don’t want a doormat. I don’t want someone who needs to be told/asked every single thing. As far as household duties are concerned, I rather he see what needs to be done and do it. I don’t want to have to make a list of ‘tasks’ and then find out that he didn’t do something that needed to be done because ‘it wasn’t on the list’.

If truth be told, I’m not really into the asking permission for every single thing deal either. I have no interest in whether he needs to empty his bowels or not. I’d rather he quickly go and do whatever bodily functions he needs to and then return, ready in case I need him to do something.

I like the idea of my property acting autonomously with a focus on obeying and pleasing me. At this stage in my current life, with my shitty job, family dramas and whatnot, I don’t need the pressure of yet another thing to worry about. I would gain much more pleasure and satisfaction from him trying to be the best he possibly can be due to his own volition and not because he was doing only what I told him to do. I would like to think that he was constantly asking himself, “What can I do to make my Mistress happy?” and then doing what was necessary to make that a reality.

And the reality of what would make me happy is quite simple: I’d like the house & garden reasonably tidy, the toilets being able to be flushed, him looking after his health and eating/exercising appropriately, him doing some further career training or something to make him look superficially more employable (he doesn’t need worthless pieces of paper as he is infinitely qualified,  but they show that you are actively doing something about your career), spending time together and having play sessions when I’m in the mood and/or when he has deserved them.

It sounds a bit like I want the best possible slave, with the least amount of input from me, doesn’t it? Lol. Typical slack-ass domly one….

And therein is where the problem lays. He’s not an A++++ over achiever. He doesn’t do things for self-satisfaction. He is very used to doing whatever he wants and only whatever he wants. For all his thinking, “I’m a slave” I don’t think he’s quite there yet, and honestly, I don’t think he even cares whether I think he is in that ‘slave space’ or not. If he thinks he is a slave, he is. That’s M’s bottom line.

I’d like to have his self-assurance and I-don’t-give-a-fuck-about-what-anyone-thinks style. It must be very freeing not to be self-conscious and to have his take-me-as-I-am-or-leave-me attitude. Unfortunately, that works very well for someone who doesn’t want to be property.

But if you want to be property – you’re essentially signing yourself up to being something that someone else wants. It’s not about you, your ego or your wants and needs.It’s about your owner and what they choose to give you. As a slave you have to accept whatever you are given and be focussed on your owner’s pleasure (of course, owners do have a certain responsibility to their property as well, but that’s a topic for another time…)

I’m not sure he thought about these things when he chose the collar. I think, naively like me, he simply thought that he would be kept as he kept me – that nothing would change except who was the one wearing the collar. He doesn’t care for ritual or ‘airy fairy’ stuff. He doesn’t give a toss who touches the collar as long as the appropriate person is wearing it.

But I do.

I don’t like him messing with his collar. I also don’t like him touching my toys. I’m into poses and ‘thinking time’, ‘high protocol’ periods and restraints for a reason (nothing annoys me more than an un-held leash or bondage just for the sake of it – you gonna tie someone up? Cool, well tie them up so they can’t move.)

I’m not exactly the same kind of owner that M was and he’s not the same kind of slave that I was. There are years of  M/s ‘baggage’ that we have to navigate around and I’m not the best pilot..yet.

I think it’s time I look seriously at those driving lessons.



25 thoughts on “I have a question…

Add yours

  1. I think you are spot on,
    As for the “standard rules” I would have to agree that a slave donning their own collar is just a tad (read: GIGANTOR) bit presumptuous and speaks of a mindset that doesnt quite seem to understand just exactly to whom that collar actually belongs. pssst……… it aint the one wearing it!

    when you said he shrugged and walked away after saying his piece I almost fell off my chair.

    Lots of learning there to be had for sure.

  2. here’s the thing, as a first time slave who used to be very domly he may not be in the same mindset as someone who’s always been submissive by nature. Outlining what you expect at the beginning of a relationship isn’t the same as holding someone’s hand the whole way or controlling every little thing…its just setting ground rules and not assuming they know what you want. You know what they say about assuming 😉 I think maybe sitting him down and having a good long “this is how its gonna be and this is what *I* want from you” might do you both some good.

  3. You spent $67 on a big leather collar he wanted.

    Make him take it back, get a refund and exchange it for a shock collar, spare batteries may be a good idea as well.

    I pretty much agree with the others you have it spot on in the post, now summaries it into those three little words “Me, not you” and you have the opportunity to let him know that if that isn’t instinct by X date you’ll be upgrading to a taser 🙂

    If you can’t get a shock collar or a taser the only thing left is to hog tie him in the bathtub and threaten him with a toaster.

  4. I agree with Sephani – a good long see-here-now-little-man type conversation would likely do wonders. I don’t think it was necessarily your bad – just bad communication on both your parts.

  5. i think no matter what the relationship, M/s, nilla ect, that if one is out working then the stay at home should take care of the domestics, why should you go out to work and then have to come home and do chores? yes chores can be shared but lets face it, he is home every day, you are not, to not do anything towards a clean house is pure laziness.

    i agree with anon on taking the leather collar back, he guilted you into buying it, it should have been your choice and if you said no, like a good slave he would have accepted that, not use the *but arent i worth it*.

    Sephani is spot on with her comment…*I think maybe sitting him down and having a good long “this is how its gonna be and this is what *I* want from you” might do you both some good*. BUT (there is always a but) if he hadnt landed the *im now your slave* in your lap, you might have done that.

    Being on the bottom may be new to him but having owned a slave he really should know the basic rules all by himself without needing to be micro managed, he knows how much pressure you are under.

    he may be used to doing what he wants but if he wants to be a slave he better change that kind of thinking as its not about him, a slave does not do what they want and you know that as does he.

    it doesnt matter if he doesnt care for ritual ect, what matters is what YOU want, he chose to be your slave and he needs to start acting like one and not when it suits him to do so and start caring about what matters to YOU, if he cant do that and wont change then there is no hope for him. just wearing a collar doesnt magically make one a slave, if that were so then every goth, dog, raver who wear a collar ect ect are slaves.

    in the end you instill the rules and protocols that you want and if he is for real in wanting to be your slave and not be playing at it, he will accept them or should give it up and accept its all just a game to him.

  6. You used to angst about being a slave, now it seems, you are starting to angst about being a Mistress. You have said in your past posts that you don’t need other people’s input, help or assistance. You are fully in control of who you are and where you are going and I had actually decided you didn’t want any help or comments so I was just going to continue to enjoy reading both of your blogs and leave you to it. However, my fingers have been twitching since I read this post yesterday and I just couldn’t help but to raise some things for you to muse over. (For those who are reading this I always right in point form – I’m just anal like that and I personally know m & K before anyone gets their “breeches in a knot” about some anonymous poster being so personal about their relationship) Ok, here we go:

    1. From what I remember, he decided to be a slave and presented himself to you as such, without (please correct me if I am wrong 🙂 ) any prior discussion

    2. You did not decide you wanted to be a Mistress until he presented it to you.

    3. So whose decision was it? Is it who you think you are really are? Is it who you really want to be? Only YOU can answer this, not me, not anyone else posting on this blog and definitely not him.

    4. Ok, so he hasn’t worked for 12 months+ (happens in a lot of houses for whatever reason) so you said previously you don’t want a doormat, a zombie or a twi-hard. That’s fine and all, but it doesn’t mean the guy can’t pick up a broom occasionally, does it? I don’t care whether you are kink, vanilla or a martian – if one partner is permanently at home they surely should get off their arse and do more than their a 50/50 share of the housework to contribute. Your post regarding the fact that your relationship is 50/50 would be the only relationship in the history of the world if it was. Relationships are give and take no matter what category it falls into.

    5. He IS behaving like a spoilt child and you are letting him do whatever he wants. Whether you are a Domme, wife, girlfriend whatever – you deserve a lot more respect than you are getting. How DARE he sit in the car and yell at you at the petrol station – and why were you filling the tank up anyway – he should have been filling the tank – absolute pure laziness on his behalf. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a guy sit in a car while a woman fills the tank up. The moment he yelled, you should have sat back in the car told him to get off his arse and fill the fucking thing up himself and NEVER speak to you like that again! Ok, you may have done it in the past as his slave but Toto you ain’t in Kansas anymore!

    6. Then, you come home and while you are “putting away the groceries and cleaning up” he is playing with the collars. FFS you have to ask yourself if this is what YOU want? Then he disturbs you when you clearly needed some “time out” time – not once but twice!!! I have children who follow instructions better than that. Yet, he badgers you and gives you puppy dog eyes and he gets a nice punishment session….ok you may have made him wait for a bit but so what….he knew exactly how to push your buttons….and he took the tags off the collars so he knew they couldn’t be returned….so who won that one, hey????

    7. You may be able to justify it to yourself about lazy Dom/Dommes and say you are not one of those – but then you can’t say you have a 50/50 relationship because now he is getting his kink needs met and you are still doing the housework. Let’s face it, he’s hit the jackpot!!! I’m not saying just because I’m a Domme I don’t do housework – I am home full-time and of course I dod housework – but dave helps out where he can and if I ask for something to be done, it’s done, pronto!!! It’s not about whether he feels like doing it or not, it’s about he does it FOR ME. Why? Because I am his Goddess and it’s in his heart to serve. Is it in m’s heart? How long did he angst about his feelings regarding that? Surely it must have been a fair amount….he wouldn’t have woken up one morning and suddenly thought *insert light bulb moment here* “I’m a slave”!!!! without maybe having had at least some discussion with you about him not feeling Dom-like anymore???

    8. Quoting from above as an example “…. He is very used to doing whatever he wants and only whatever he wants. For all his thinking, “I’m a slave” I don’t think he’s quite there yet, and honestly, I don’t think he even cares whether I think he is in that ‘slave space’ or not. If he thinks he is a slave, he is. That’s M’s bottom line….” – everything he does is for self-satisfaction, was before and is now. How can you say in one sentence he doesn’t do things for self-satisfaction and then in the next breath “He is very used to doing whatever he wants and only whatever he wants….” He has and always will be about his own self-satisfaction. If he is a Dom that is fine, but he’s not is he? I don’t think you are really sure about that hun, are you? He’s still calling the shots, you are still at his beck and call, he gets his play sessions when he wants (sure you might make him wait a little bit but he still gets exactly what he wants).

    9. In essence sweetie, remember all those times, you didn’t feel slave-like and he told you that you were because he said you were. Only you know if at the time you REALLY felt or in the end you would just say it because you knew it’s what he wanted to here. Maybe in the beginning, yes sure, but towards the end????

    10. I’m not saying you aren’t a true Domme and I’m not saying he is incapable of being a slave, but first he needs to learn how to be submissive and how to put you first and treat you with respect and adoration. If the submissive side is not in his personality the slave side is a farce, which is fine for both of you if that’s what you want for you both, but really then call it what it is…things had gotten a bit slow and he came up with a plan to “spice” things up and you are enjoying it.

    11. As you know some Doms/Dommes expect their subs/slaves/whatever to be submissive to other people, others (like myself) only expect mine to be truly submissive to me, but as you know he shows respect to others as do I. When m was an M he was happy to submit you to others actions, do you want him to do the same, do you think he is capable of doing the same?

    12. I find it interesting that you now have two profiles on Fetlife – one still listing you as a slave. Have you asked yourself why you have kept that profile and started a new one – and why you didn’t just change your status and update your update your “about me” section as surely you are proud of your new position?

    13. Well, I will end on “unlucky 13” … basically

    * if you don’t like the way he does the housework – then “train” him to do it the way you like it
    * you need to set down basic rules and boundaries, because sweetie, he’s got his own rule book he’s living by
    * you need to spend some quiet time and think about who you REALLY are and what you REALLY want out of this relationship
    * what happens when he does get a job and then if he decides he will be M again and says to you “well that was a good mind-fuck experiment and it’s over” – back in your box bitch. Perhaps you could discuss it with him?
    * When you have been tying him up, have you ever thought “this is what I wanted, this is what I begged for” and yet he was totally indifferent to your pleas – yet you give him what he wants.
    * You change into what used to be your slut boots which are now “Mistress” boots – why? Hopefully the answer is because it makes you feel good, gets you into the zone, not because secretly you know he gets off on it?

    Anyway, will leave it at that….if you’d rather discuss this over the phone, than on here, feel free to give me a buzz. Becoming a Domme can be a rocky road, there is adrenalin, confidence and power (which are very addictive) but when you start out there can also be confusion, self-doubt and angst. These last three feelings will leave as time goes on, but only if you are being who you truly are meant to be. From my perspective it looks like you have had a taste of all of these (as did I when first starting out).

    At the end of the day, it comes down to, are you being who YOU are meant to be or are you being what HE wants you to be? All power to you girl, you know I think a lot of you both. At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter what other people think, it’s what happens within the four walls of your house and whether you two are happy and fulfilled that matters and I mean BOTH of you. Due to the swapping of roles, I think YOU WILL need to set boundaries, set up some rules, give him some tasks….and get him into a more submissive mindset – yes this part IS your job as Domme, like it or not. Otherwise sweetie, he will continue to disappoint you because he’s really just doing what he wants – why? because inwardly he’s still in control, he’s still getting his needs met, he doesn’t really give a toss about how to make your life easier by helping out…and I’d hate to see him throw that in your face one day that he played a different tune when he felt like it and you happily danced along. I’m not saying these things to be a Bitch, I’m saying them to make sure you are being who you want to be. Males subs can be whiny little creatures, they want this, they want that and believe me if you are going to wear those Domme boots you better learn how to stamp those boots when necessary, walk off put your ugg boots on and say “you know what? you get ME when you show ME that you DESERVE what I have to offer!!!!”

    Ms B


  7. Push yourself then, you might just get something out of it, or if you’ve got nothing better to do feel free to pick up the toaster and head for the bathroom. 🙂 Ms B

  8. Push myself to read something like that?

    How about we just compact it into relevancy?

    1. Make sure this is what you want.
    2. Stop letting him top from the bottom.
    3. Don’t let him take advantage, you work he doesn’t.
    4. Blah, blah, blah, blah
    5. Drone, drone, drone, drone.
    6. in MY household a REAL slave, blah, blah.
    7. in MY household I AM GOD(DES), drone, drone.
    8. NO JOKING! Srs business!

    A hell of a lot shorter, yet speaks the same message and I thought you would be more comfortable with the numbered format.

  9. hahaha – I love people who post under “anonymous”….anyway, I see the problem now, you are an extremely slow reader if it’s taken that long for you to get through it hahahaha …will try and make my posts shorter for you from now on…otherwise, I hear toasters are on sale at k-mart this week if that helps. How about you take a little bit of time and set up a profile for yourself otherwise you are just one of the many mindly “anonymous” twats who post on people’s blogs without the guts to own up to who they really are

    🙂 Ms B

  10. i think you meant *mindless* there MsBlair…

    but i have to agree, when someone only ever posts as anon i have to wonder about their reasoning to remain anon especially when they take such an interest in people they do not know.

  11. No, I intentionally put in “mindly” to see if they would actually read it… you’ve done their homework for them carina! hahahaha. Given the “passion” of their insults, I think it is more than likely someone who has a vested interest in the outcome…otherwise, why would they bother pulling apart someone else’s comments that they do not know? Much more likely, to skim over something, say can’t be bothered reading it and leave it at that….oh well it was written for Ms K’s benefit…Fortunately she has the patience and intellect to deal with long posts (as do you)…oh well off to bed for some zzzzzz’s. xxx Ms B

    PS Please “anonymous” feel free to totally ignore any other posts I put on here, as I would hate to further waste your precious time 🙂 Ms B

  12. “Given the “passion” of their insults, I think it is more than likely someone who has a vested interest in the outcome…”

    yep I think that is probably the case.

  13. I always find it amusing when people get so uptight and easily offended over anon comments and then claim they aren’t that important. Obviously? they are. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t “passion” either, more amusement at how easily this person got you guys all riled up over a passing comment made jokingly. Sheesh people, you’ve been online long enough…haven’t you all learned when to read a joke? Or are we so domly that such things are always so serious!?

  14. I filled a comment with cliché and stereotype and blair immediately reacted to it as if I’d read that mountain of drivel.

    Subtle has final word, my only interrest is pity if her only real life support network is a stereotype and a sock puppet.

    I’ll stand down and vanish if subtle deems me a nuisance and only then.

    As for the “make a profile”, seriously? you going to get your dad to beat up mine while your at it?

  15. i dont see where you think MsBlair is a sock puppet, she is known to kitten and m, are you? if not then as far as im concerned anon is a sock puppet otherwise he/she/it would not be posting as such.

    if you dont wish to read a mountain of drivel, then why read at all? that mountain of drivel was in reply to kittens post, do you feel thats a mountain of drivel too? do you skim over whats actually being said by kitten too?

    Sephani Paige its obvious that you didnt see the sarcasm in he/she/its post and im not riled up, you dont know me and just assume and we all know what that means.

  16. Right, I tracked back, looking through my posts to where it turned into this crap, since you lot know each other in real life i will bow out, god knows subtle doesn’t need this shit and god forbid she should say anything to the contrary, you two would get REAL good dom bad dom on her ass.

    I dragged my eyes painfully over the first part of your comment blair, I got bored around point 2 after you were repeating whats already being said in an endless seeming monotone that i seriously believe dwarfs the original post.

    One thing I did notice was the previous anon you mentioned. So i looked back, he apologized right? and not including carines (unwarranted?) jumping in didn’t you accept that apology? kind of makes you cheap and two faced in my book, but then as one of the nameless masses reading the blog, who am i to judge?

    Between her slave and her friends personally i couldn’t imagine a worse hell. well, other than being carine, the puppet that walks like a dom.

    As for the vested interest, well, who knows? maybe m will get his act together if he thinks he has competition, maybe carine will develop an opinion other than blair’s unlikely in both places, but hey, hope springs eternal.

    As for the profile, i’m curious, what difference would it make? i could almost as easily post as carine, wouldn’t be the first time shes been a mouth piece for an opinion not of her making, but if i’m to give it serious consideration, whats the point?

    I shall leave you all in peace since a joke is classed as an insult on the domliness of the ruling caste here and frankly, carine makes me want to vomit. Carine! blair has already said what your thinking, there is really no need to repackage and post it.

  17. carina, you can’t totally invalidate what anon is saying based solely on the fact that their “hiding” behind anonymous if I’m here, with my name out in the open, stating the same thing. There must be validity to the statements. Blair opened the shit storm herself when she needlessly snarked about anon posters in her opening paragraph, even after accepting the apology from the anon she mentioned on the previous post. for gods sake, subtle is asking for help and opinion here and all you two can focus on is shooting thinly veiled e-barbs at someone who is anon, trying to joke around and offer advice (and no, I’m not assuming here either). so why don’t you just sheath them kitty claws and focus on what subtle asked for because I’m pretty sure it wasn’t this pile of crap from people who are suppose to be her friends and know her in real life, like that makes you some how an authority on any advice over anyone else. I would of thought that meant you would leave this kind of childish play behind and focused on your self proclaimed friend. Aren’t we all adults here…I mean, it is an adult blog correct?

  18. Ok, guys the basic problem I have with anonymous posts, is that you do not know whether you are speaking to one person or several. Yes, I had accepted an apology from a previous “anonymous” but how is one to know that it is not the same person back again. I realise having a profile doesn’t give someone validity on here but it does help people see who’s posting etc. As I have said before (yes I am repeating myself) Ms K and m were the first people I met in the scene and I only ever wish the best for them. Carina is a lovely lady who stands by her friends and cares a lot for these guys. The last thing I would ever want to do is subject Ms K to a “pile of crap from people who are supposed to be her friends”…so will leave it at that people. Both Ms K and m know where I am. I send them both my love and support.


    Ms B

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