Thought for the day

So yeah, I have a problem asking people to do things for me. I’ve been that way ever since I can remember. Some people would call it my martyrdom fetish – I’ll try to do everything myself and then bitch about how ‘no-one helps me’.

I do it at work. I do it at home.

I pile up my plate with every conceivable thing that I perceive as ‘my job’ and guard it like my precious, not wanting not being able to share it with anyone.

But actually, all I really need to do is ask.

I wonder why it is so hard to ask?

Do I not trust other people?

Do I not want to impose on other people?

Am I embarrassed to ask for help?

The answer is probably a combination of all three with a fair dose of being unable to let go.

Letting go is hard. It requires trust, it requires the belief that someone can do something as well as I think I can do it, and it requires the giving of control to another.

Not being able to ask or tell someone what to do is probably not the best personality trait in someone looking to be dominant. It’s pretty much a given that the dominant one will tell the submissive one what to do.

But is telling someone what to do the same as giving direction?

For some reason or another I’ve found myself in a position at work where I’m a semi-manager. I have two people who come to me with their work problems, ask me to make decisions and seem quite happy to do what I tell them to do. I’ve never formally been given manager status and I certainly don’t have the word ‘manager’ on my business cards, but somewhere along the line I became a person with minions.

I’ve found it bizarre. Well, actually I found it puzzling at first because they would come to me with problems. At the time I remember getting a bit annoyed that they couldn’t deal with the problems themselves, but I’d tell them what I thought would be the best thing to do and then they’d happily go off and do my bidding. I can remember sitting there at my desk thinking, ‘Did I just manage?’

I’ve never been the sort of person who wanted responsibility. I’ve always been quite happy to be told what to do, so the whole situation of having two minions at my beck and call during the working day has taken a bit of getting used to. I wouldn’t say I’m 100% comfortable with it yet, but I’m getting there.

M is always asking me why I get so stressed about work. He tells me that ultimately the complaints and things I have to deal with, aren’t my fault (mostly) and I have too much of a care factor, but generally speaking I’m where the buck stops. I’m the person dealing with the customers directly and I’m the one apologising and who has to make things better. This semi-manager thing also adds a layer of responsibility to someone who is really not used to it and that’s why I end up with stress tics and pressure headaches quite regularly.

M has held managerial roles for the last twenty-four years. I’m just entering my tenth month so on that basis, I’ve still got a bit of catching up to do.

When we started the Great Switcheroo of 2011, a couple of months back, I remember that my initial feeling was, ‘I don’t want the responsibility.’ This was actually why I was hesitant to call myself ‘Mistress’ and my love crumpet, ‘slave’ and why I was dancing around M’s question of, ‘Do you want me to be your slave?’

I think the role of Mistress brings with it a greater sense of responsibility. There’s a layer of something greater and something heavier than just ‘playing’ and having someone be ‘submissive’ to you. It brings in all sorts of life decisions and to me, brings something akin to parental responsibility.

I’m not perhaps as scared of responsibility as I used to be, but it’s not something I crave. I don’t seek to have everyone do my bidding because, honestly, I don’t like the ramifications involved. I suppose the solution to this is to build confidence in myself and my decisions.

I’m feeling a lot more comfortable in the role of Mistress recently and to be honest, cropping M’s balls brings a joy all of its own 🙂

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Thought for the day

Add yours

  1. Go the next step up and see about a management position at work… If your taking on the responsibility, it never hurts to get the extra pay, plus, you can send flunkies to bow and scrape 😀 It has its advantages!

    Your a new domme exploring unknown territory, I would say its whats natural for you, m is submitting, your asking relevant questions that you seem to already know the answer to, your just building the self-confidence to apply it.

    I have always found domination and manipulation to go hand in hand, dom’s of all creeds and gender will try and come out on top regardless of situation, fet life had some severe problems with this in the early days but it is my understanding most of the pissing contests are over, hell, maybe i will even join and see if its worth all the hype.

    If your work mates are following your lead, you have the air of confidence, now you just need the application of it, if m is submitting and receiving pain, then you have the physical aspects, now you just need to drop into the most natural mindset for you to get your needs met.

    Don’t think at home, just do, you will slam into a wall of uncertainty at first, if its right for you then you’ll start drawing immense satisfaction from it (and other things, but I’m trying to keep it “clean”-ish) if you need something done, tell him to do it, when he invariably doesn’t do it how you want, correct him, make him do it again… I think your problem is like me in the early days you were locked into “for fuck sake, I’ll do it myself, at least it gets done properly”.

    He’ll never learn, and you’ll be constantly annoyed if you keep that mindset. Watch him, see what he does that you don’t like and call him on it if, the aim is not to produce a doormat, the aim is to make him think like you, respond like you and act like you. when he thinks the same he will respond in a similar fashion, work to the same standards and contrary to your belief, this doesn’t produce a doormat, just a worthy slave an extension of yourself. Because despite the similarity, they cannot BE you and there is no excuse for them to ask questions you already know they know the answers to.

    Time for you to start pushing through your own barriers and limitations.

  2. Really nice post.

    I never feel like anyone else can do things as well as I can either. People who wanted to help on my house were always asking me “give me something to do!” I’d wrack my brain for the least important, least fuck-upable thing, and assign that. Then when that was done, I’d have to think of something else.

    Exhausting. But I couldn’t do it all by myself.

  3. I’ll try to do everything myself and then bitch about how ‘no-one helps me’. … heh I do that all the time.

    May i suggest Miss Abernathy’s book for slave. Might help things. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: