Mr Grey

So, I think it’s time I touched on that hottest of topics, Fifty shades of Grey and I shall hereforewith refer to it as Fitsog because the title is too damn long and boring (and by the way, am I the only one who finds the use of the name Grey for the protagonist annoying because it comes from Secretary and Secretary did it much earlier and much better than Fifty Shades of Grey?)

But I digress.

On July 9th, an Australian newspaper ran a front page digital edition article in which the following was said in relation to Fitsog:

Frankly, in BDSM terms, Grey is a lightweight. He eschews many fairly standard interests, although he is an expert at the “mindf—“. Even novices, however, would know that his use of cable ties is a very bad idea (to avoid nerve-damage and scarring, soft, thick rope is de rigueur).

 

Grey’s lack of competency in his chosen erotic arena is most apparent, though, in the way he fails to assess his potential new submissive’s naivety. Experienced BDSM practitioners are acutely aware of the gulf between cognoscenti and others, and would not dream of terrifying a novice by bringing up such advanced techniques as fire, electricity and gynaecological play.

And I just loled into next week.

I don’t think I’ve ever met someone into bdsm who hasn’t used cable ties at one time or another and as for fire, electricity and gynaecological play (is that icy hot on your pink bits or more like a hitachi with a gonzo attachment?) is that stuff that ‘terrifies a novice’? I don’t know what sort of novices the writer is referring to, but as a novice I’d be much more worried about needles, nails (*waves to kaya*) and cheese graters (*waves to carina).

Those things hurt.

Or maybe I’ve lost touch with what constitutes risqué these days.

Is a forced enema followed by a hard ass ramming an ‘advanced technique’? How about butterfly clamps? Novice? Advanced? Is anything beyond having your wrists loosely tied with scarves while wearing a blindfold as your partner feeds you strawberries outside the jurisdiction of novice?

I thought in this day and age of the innernets and our if-there-is-a-fetish-there-will-be-porn-for-it world, that people were a bit more ‘versed’ in the ways of the bdsm beast. Aren’t we currently raising generations of men who think all women like a bit of slap and tickle and that any hole is a good hole for some dick?

Or am I wrong?

What annoyed me the most about the article though was how ‘nanny’-ish it was. I suppose I’ve never been one for warm-ups, aftercare or the mollycoddling that accompanies some people’s styles of play, and my feeling is that as long as you use your common sense you won’t get into too much trouble. The writer sounds like she is regurgitating some official bdsm manual.

I can imagine the scene now, one willing naked submissive and one cunning domly one. The dungeon is lit by candles and there is an assortment of crops, paddles and canes awaiting their turn. The domly one begins the scene by cupping the kneeling submissive’s chin and tilting her head up until her eyes meet his and says,

“I’m sorry my dear, we can’t do anything tonight because I forgot to bring my soft, thick rope to secure you with and anything else is just not safe.”

I’m pretty sure the scene would more realistically have the domly one saying:

“Shit I forgot my rope! I’m just going out to garage to see what I’ve got out there to use. Failing that I’m sure we’ve got some saran wrap or some belts that would do… Oh, hang on, we’ve probably got some cable ties left over from putting up the Christmas decorations in the kitchen. Just stay there!”

And he’d stub his toe stumbling around in the dark and you’d fall over laughing and eventually get cold so you’d put some clothes on.

Ah, the realities of bdsm.

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6 thoughts on “Mr Grey

Add yours

  1. I do believe the nanny tone of the article is more geared towards the people who read FSOG and take it as a BDSM Bible, of which it most certainly is not. I’ve read the books, and the woman who wrote it wouldn’t know which end of a flogger to hold, I swear. But, bored vanilla women see this risque stuff and may very well try it. While some of us know our way around some cable ties, inexperienced or over-ly excited newbies could very well goof it up and leave marks they did not intend to, or even cause some nerve/tissue damage. Some women could see the blatant emotional abuse, which is completely and utterly divorced from any bondage or smut, as romantic and a model relationship. The books are seriously screwed up, but it’s popular.

    teal deer: the books blow, but some people think they’re legit.

    1. I have a flogger with a handle that can double as an anal plug. I sometimes wonder which end to hold…
      But then I think about holding something that had been up someone’s bum and I remember which end is the ‘correct’ one 🙂

  2. I think all of our perspectives are informed by the worlds we live in. Pretty sure the generations of men being raised around where I’m from don’t think all women like a bit of slap and tickle – hell, I\’m not sure if they think women like sex at all.

    Kind of annoying.

    But the other world I inhabit, this kinky one where it’s easy to remain, makes it look like your assertion is indeed true.

    The books pose a problem for kinkykind because of the emotional abuse and how his need for BDSM is presented as some sort of sickness, not because his methods and techniques are questionable.

    And, by the way, I love your writing.

    1. I guess bdsm is always presented as a sickness because if you’re not kink-inclined it is *impossible* to understand why the hell anyone would want to do that shit therefore they have to equate it with something being ‘wrong’ with the person.
      I personally think sex is over-rated…give me a hitachi over sweaty sex any time.

  3. *waves back at you*

    i heard the bit about the cable ties last week and would you believe it, there was a post on fetlife warning people *not to use cable ties* pmsl. My daughter asked me about them, i told her as long as there were scissors to cut them off, all would be well.

    1. *waves*
      Why does it not surprise me that there was a post on fet. I haven’t been there in months and months and I think I just remembered why 🙂

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