The reason why I don’t want to have a baby

Along with the obvious things that make you take a long, hard look at becoming a parent such as having a total disbelief that anything that large can come out of there and not wanting to defecate in front of a crowd of people, there is one big reason why I don’t want to procreate – because I don’t want a human life being totally dependent on me.

Seriously, I can’t cope with that total dependence thing.

Even in a relationship I can barely cope with the feeling that another person needs me and I usually get around that by convincing myself that they are another adult and therefore don’t need to rely on me for everything.

We’ve had a rash of visiting babies in the office recently. In a strange coincidence, four people in our office have had babies within the last 12 months which is a pretty damn high percentage considering that there are only 12 people in the office.There was a strange rumour going around that there might be something in the water, but fortunately it doesn’t seem to be true as I guzzle down litres of the stuff everyday and the only thing that seems to come out of my birth canal with any regularity is wind.

Fanny farts…worst things ever when they make that flappy noise.

I try to be enthusiastic about the visiting babies because I feel that is the social convention, but seriously, I’d rather watch paint dry than a drooling baby. I always find it funny as well when everyone goes on and on about how the kid looks like one of the parents. No shit Sherlock! Of course they fucking do (and if they don’t you should probably be on one of those annoying daytime tv shows and flashing your boobs.) The only thing that really goes through my mind when I see the kids is how daunting it must be to be responsible for a life – utterly and responsible for the well-being of another human being.

I just couldn’t cope with the pressure. I remember my few isolated baby sitting experiences have always involved me checking every 5 mins to see whether said child was still breathing.

Parenting – I can’t help but feel smothered.


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