When you are a girl, you spend a lot of time in your head. When you’re a submissive, you also spend a lot of time in your head. When you’re a girl submissive, well, you just spend a crap load of time in your head, fantasizing, puzzling and reading way too deeply into all things.
The hard thing is that being a submissive actually requires you to spend a lot of time in your head. You need to get yourself into an ‘appropriate’ headspace to interact with your domly one and if you’re on the receiving end of pain, humiliation or the icy chill of being pushed out of your comfort zone, well, you have to find a way to deal with it and most people internalise it.
It’s very easy to get worked up about dealing with this stuff. It’s also very easy to spend too much time in your head and find yourself lacking.
I’ve always had a problem with accepting that things are ‘good enough’. Even though I was born and raised in a country where ‘she’ll be right’ (a.k.a near enough is good enough) is a birthright, I’m very henny penny. I have big issues about letting go and more often than not, my sky is falling.
But, I’m not getting younger so I’d like to chill the fuck out and have fun.
In days of old when we attended play parties, a lot of people used to have ‘fun’ with me. There would be a lot of teasing, a lot of laughing and general light-heartedness. Something about it always rubbed me up the wrong way. I thought play parties should be about ‘proving’ your submission and silent acceptance. I wanted them to be dark and heavy and to have an atmosphere that was in keeping with my serious attitude towards what I did.
But this bdsm thing doesn’t have to be like that and in fact, they never were. People at those things had it figured out much better than I did. They were there for some fun and diversion. Why does everyone else have it figured out, but I struggle with this stuff so much?
I think it’s because I do spend so much time in my head. I need to accept that some things just happen and some people just do stuff and there is no deeper meaning. Random shit happens and it’s okay to fall on your face. It’s not a reflection on me and who or what I am, it just is.
I don’t need to take this stuff so seriously. I can be me, live my life and enjoy.