We finally had a talk about The Situation™ (a.k.a the big fat pink elephant of my recent return to submission in the room). As a result I will now be wearing my collar on weekends and there will be an immediate increase in the amount of boot time.
The reality of having a full-time sucky job means that we’ll have to find a balance between submission and real life. I didn’t do very well with this before but now I’ll be working on being more flexible within myself as to what constitutes ‘submission’. I’m a do-it-right-or-don’t-do-it-at-all kind of person, so being ‘half-hearted’ about submission is something that I couldn’t deal with. ‘Half-hearted’ is how I would have described it before, but now I’d like to think of it as ‘the best that I can do’ submission. It’s okay not to have a collar on 24/7 and it’s okay not to be home and serving him all the time. What matters is how I feel about being submissive and what type of relationship I think works best for both of us.
Truth be told, I feel a little bit ‘all-or-nothing’ about my blog as well. I won’t do a post if I’m not 100% happy about it. I need to feel like I’ve legitimately got something profound to write about so you won’t really see me writing just for the hell of it (if that makes sense). I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve always needed to feel 150% committed to what I’m doing, whether it be my submission or a blog, but because I put so much into everything I do, I get over-stretched pretty damn quickly and tend to have melt-downs. I need to dial stuff back to about 80% and find a happy balance.
It was a very weird feeling to be back in the collar. I’d forgotten what the feel of the weight around my neck was like and I had a split instant of claustrophobia as the allen key was turned and I knew it wasn’t coming off. The first time I got a collar, it was something that excited me no end and I couldn’t wait to have it locked firmly on. This time it was more like coming home.
I’ve had my labia rings and clithood collar in ever since they were pierced. It’s been…ummm…about 6 years now. Have I ever thought about taking them out? Well, for the first 3-4 years when they caused me nothing but pain and grief, every fucking day, but I never did. Even when I had my stint on the dominant side of the fence, they were still in. May be some part of me knew that they belonged there…
So that’s The Situation™. Let’s see where we go from here.