Do you ever have those times when you want to be fucked up bad?
When you’re so high on fantasy that you forget how much it hurts to be fucked up bad…
but you still want to do it anyway…
but then you don’t….
but then you do?
In case you didn’t notice, I’m in a weird place at the moment. Part of me is so desperate to be fucked up into oblivion, ripped to shreds and well and truly broken that I can barely think straight, but the more sane and rational part of me is totally shit-scared to do that sort of stuff anymore that it makes me nauseous just thinking about it.
It’s such a conundrum. What to do…what to do…
I was thinking about me then and now. Back then I was so sure, so totally committed to what I was doing, having doubts seemed almost blasphemous. I just wanted things to work and I was happy to do what needed to be done to make it work. I wouldn’t say I was completely without fear, but it was more of a, ‘Ooohhh, he’s going to do naughty things to me!!’ excited fear/butterflies-in-the-stomach thing than the no-way-Jose fear I have now that makes me dig my heels in and gtfo of there.
I don’t know what changed. Did I change? Did I get older and learn to fear?
See, I actually think you need some fear for this d/s thing to work. I think you need to have a healthy fear for your dom and his threats. When you know he is not going to go through with his threats or not do what he says, then some of the magic and mystery is lost. When the mystery and magic is totally lost, you end up with one bored dom and one disenchanted submissive and that just ain’t going to work.
But there’s fear and then there’s fear.
I’m actually wondering if I’m afraid of myself and what I have inside. Maybe I’m scared now of being submissive and letting go. Maybe I’m scared of trusting someone and offering up my submission on a plate.
It’s not like riding a bike – this submission thing. I can’t just pick up from where I left off two years ago. I need to go back and start from scratch. I need to be broken down and smashed to oblivion before I can be made whole again.