(Just a caveat on this post: it’s me thinking aloud and getting some stuff off my chest and not trying to air our dirty washing for people to be critical at M, so just bear that in mind as you read, okay?)
I spent the last week very quietly. M was giving me the ‘bad slave’ treatment or as I like to refer to it, having the bare minimal of interactions and not talking to me. It was a stressful week and every time I asked him what was wrong I was met with a ‘Nothing’ or a ‘Fuck off’.
The worst of it started when I got home from work late one night and he was cooking dinner. He asked me if I wanted a plate or a bowl and I answered that I wanted my food in a bowl so he told me to bring one over. I didn’t realise that he didn’t have a bowl and wanted one as well so I only brought over one for my self. When he saw I’d only brought one he exploded in some weird rage that involved telling me to get fucked and he threw down the dinner stuff and stormed into the lounge room and sat down in front of the tv. At first I thought he was joking and I asked him if he wanted me to serve up to which he told me to get fucked so I put food for both of us in two bowls and took them out to the lounge room. I placed his on the coffee table and started eating mine. He never touched his food and I eventually took it back to the kitchen and put it in the fridge.
And thus my week of silence began.
I’m very good at giving people the cold shoulder or in extreme cases, the silent treatment so I know all about how it works. It usually means that they’ve done something to fuck you off and you’re so angry that you just switch off. In this case, I wasn’t really sure what line I had crossed and he wouldn’t tell me no matter how many times I asked what was wrong.
I had some late nights with customers and gym during the week so I spent a fair amount of time out of the house and when I was home, I stayed in my room. He obviously didn’t want me around and was plainly ignoring me. He still cooked dinner, did his normal things around the house and picked me up from gym on Thursday night (all of which I am very grateful for) but there was just zilch communication.
This morning I woke up at some ridiculous time for a Saturday morning – 6:45am to be exact – so I decided to go to gym. I could hear him snoring in his room so I decided to take the bus and not wake him. After class I went to my office in town and picked up some things I’d accidentally left on my desk on Friday then I headed home. I walked back in the door at about 11am.
I asked him if he’d known I’d gone anywhere and he said no. Then he told me that I was never to leave the house again without leaving a note or telling him where I was going. I can understand why I got into trouble for that but honestly, I just didn’t want to wake him when things were kind of ‘iffy’ between us already.
I told him a bit more of my adventures that morning and we started talking a bit for the first time in days. He told me again that I’d been a bad slave for (a) not wearing boots or asking for dispensation and (b) eating things I hadn’t asked permission for. And yes, I’ll readily admit to doing both of those things, but that is really nothing new and I didn’t expect to get a week of silence out of it.
Then we got onto the interesting topic of my binge eating.
So, since my trip to Japan I’ve been struggling to get my eating back under control. While I’ve kept up with my 4:3 fasting and gym, my non-fasting days have been filled with a lot more food than I used to eat. I wouldn’t call what I’ve eaten on some of those days a full-on binge (and as I explained to M, he’s never seen me on a real binge because I tend to do that in private), the amount I’ve eaten has probably looked a bit alarming to him.
I’ve been feeling stressed recently – it’s peak busy season for my business and I get particularly stressed when I have customer visits and I have to entertain them and make conversation for hours and hours. I don’t really do the being social thing with any ease and I dread upcoming social occasions with the same dread I feel when I have a dentist appointment (actually the dentist is okay because I know I’d have all sorts of shit in my mouth and won’t be required to make small talk.)
When I get stressed, I need things to help me take the stress away or more accurately, I get ‘hollow’ when I feel stressed in that I almost feel like I start to lose myself. I resolve this need to feel ‘full’ again by eating or doing things that make me feel strong or special or fulfil some sort of need in me. So food has always been an easy source of hollow-filling comfort. Gym is good for feeling strong, but these stressful times are also when some play would be a welcome diversion.
So at a time when I’m feeling pretty low, getting the silent treatment just makes the hollow bigger and therefore I feel like I need more food to fill it because I’m already going to gym 6 nights a week and there isn’t any play on the horizon that I can see.
What else am I supposed to do to get myself back?
So then we have the ‘talk’ about how my binge eating is not healthy and has to stop and I’m like WTF??
And just on the topic of being a bad slave, is it so bad to want to be corrected or shouted at or punished because you didn’t do the right thing? I understand that in an ideal world all slaves want to do exactly what their owners want and will do it without being reminded but is it so bad to want to be made accountable? If I don’t do what I’ve been told to do, is saying nothing about it and then giving me the silent treatment the way to improve my behaviour? Am I supposed to magically realise what I’ve done?
I’ll admit that I did know I’d been lax on the boots and food. I have very few rules and the boots and the food thing along with me wearing my collar at home, are about the only things he requires. But I didn’t realise that the silent treatment equated to failing those two things.
I really do get the idea that slaves should want to serve, should want to carry out the role they have chosen for themselves and shouldn’t need to be tied in position – they should just do it, it’s what they want right? They shouldn’t need to positive reinforcement every time they do right or negative reinforcement every time they do wrong, should they? After all, they’re a slave, they want to serve, aren’t they doing what they want?
But sometimes, you just need the heat of your owner beating down on you. You need to be corrected, feel his displeasure and know that what you are doing matters. If there’s no ‘good girl’ for doing well and no ‘bad slave’ for doing wrong, it all starts to lose meaning.
Maybe that’s being high maintenance…or is it?
I don’t get recognition when I do the right thing and apparently now I don’t get told when I do the wrong thing either. He said he has told me numerous times about the food and the boots and I just don’t change so why should he bother. Well…yeah, I just don’t know what to say to that.
I’m pretty sure I had a point somewhere in all of this, but after spewing all this down on the page I really don’t know what I was trying to say. Maybe I’ll just end on a question:
What makes you want to ‘serve’?