I’ve had this sentence going through my brain all week: It’s okay to make me angry.
And it’s weird because it sounds like the title of a bad after-school special or the name of a book that should be in the Inspirational aisle at your local bookstore (and do people even still go to bookstores anyway?)
I think it’s something I said to M when we had our ‘little chat’ the other night but I’m not sure it had the effect that I hoped it would have. I was trying to point out to him that regardless of how stressed I may seem from my job and general life, there is always room in my life for an appropriate amount of stress caused by him.
And by stress I mean when he’s harsh and cruel and treats me with a callous disregard.
Because if he does that type of thing when I’m feeling like I want to scratch my eyeballs out, it somehow makes things right with the world. It’s a different type of stress and although I may whine, moan and make noises about how he’s not treating me fairly or how can he be doing this when I’m tired/stressed/pissed off, there’s some part of me, somewhere that appreciates the attention that he deigns to give me. That particular type of stress somehow makes the other type of stress less important and actually helps me work through it.
I find that unless my beating window is wide open, pain makes me angry. It makes me resentful and pissy towards him simply because it hurts. Quite often the thought that goes through my head (other than FUUUUUUK! of course) is ‘He’s soooo not doing that right!’ because when I give myself pain, I know exactly how to do it so that it’s ‘nice’ and I can stop it very quickly when it suddenly stops being nice. But when he does it, it’s just a means to an ends, a way of showing me that I’m under his control. There’s no warm up or gentle cool down, it’s just wham, bam, thank you ma’am and the only thing to remind me of our interaction is some niggling pain somewhere after it’s all done.
The other thing that makes me angry is not being able to do what I want, when I want, how I want. But then again, if I’m always allowed to do what I want, when I want, how I want, then…well…that makes me angry too.
And it also makes me angry that I get angry about having to submit and it makes me angry when I don’t have anything to submit to.
In short, it seems like I have anger issues.
It’s weird, you know, because we go about our lives trying not to make people angry or hurt them. But sometimes, just sometimes, that’s exactly what that person may need.