And the last day of 2013 brought me a wedding dress

Yeah…ironic, isn’t it?

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At 8am this morning, Mr Postman came knocking with a box from across the ocean. My ex had said he’d had to put it into another ‘special’ box because the original box was too big.

This is the box it arrived in:

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Now, I think that sending your ex her wedding dress in a box that once contained a play table for your son that you’ve had with your new wife, who used to be your ex while you were married with your now ex and attended your wedding is somehow weird…but I’m not quite sure why….

Anyway, it’s here, all 8.2kgs of it for the princely sum of 12,500 yen postage. And I opened the box and it smelled like Japan.

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There was my veil, the hoop, the fifty million layers of organza  and the dress still packed in its infinity pac ‘to keep your memories and dreams forever’:

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And he’d put a couple of extra special things in the box too. Like our Engrish wedding certificate:

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Because we will take the partner each other from now on (it loses something in translation):

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The box that my engagement ring came in:

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And he’d even kept the little rose things I’d worn in my hair:

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So it just goes to prove that he’s even worse than me at throwing this type of shit away and that makes me feel a bit better.

So now I have the dress, what the hell should I do with it? Feel free to leave your thoughts in the poll below (oh and have a happy new year):

And there’s another one gone

So Christmas came and went. I had a fairly extensive food coma on Boxing Day from approximately half an Xmas pudding and copious amounts of whatever I could stuff in my face, but other than that, it was a normal day.

I purchased myself Tomb raider for the xbox and M and I spent most of the two public holidays playing it and arguing about how to solve the puzzles:

“I think you have to push that over there then jump up on that.”

“No, you have to jump from here and then pickaxe up that.”

“Give me the controller!”

“No, I’m going to do it this way.”

“GIVE ME THE FUCKING CONTROLLER!!”

*solves the puzzle* “See, now who was right and who was wrong?”

“Who wears the collar?”

“I do.”

“So who is right and who is wrong?”

“You’re right and I’m wrong…even though I solved the puzzle…”

(I’m happy to say that we finished it with a 99% completion rate – yay for us.)

I’m bogged down in story again and wrote a grand sum of two paragraphs in five hours today. I hate it when that happens. Then I got obsessed with shuffling some of the chapters around and then I had forgotten what I wrote about a particular character in the first 30 chapters and had to go back and re-read a whole lot of it. I also spent a whole afternoon on Saturday choosing a name.

But on a positive note, I made pancakes for dinner tonight and they were DIVINE. I had a stack with layers of banana, maple syrup and ice cream. Mmmmm. And I ate it all relatively guilt-free thanks to a hardcore body combat class this morning during which I think I peed myself a little bit. Actually my mortal fear during combat is doing a side kick or a roundhouse kick and letting rip a really loud fart.

This getting old thing is not much fun, I have to say.

So I have the next two days off work – yay. I’m planning on not doing much other than writing and going to gym…oh and I’ll do my best not to claw M’s eyes out because I’m plaguing and he just loves to push my buttons at this time of the month.

Oh and I must have been living under some sort of rock because I only found out today that Neil Patrick Harris is gay. I was looking through buzzfeed at pictures of his family and it took me a really long time to figure out that his family is his partner and his two kids. So I immediately turned to M and asked, “Did you know that NPH is gay???!?” and he was all, “Oh my god bitch, how could you not know he was gay? Did you not watch Doogie Howser” So apparently everyone knew but me. Wow.

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This week in subtle news

  • I have a slightly sore cervix from birthing my story baby. Although I’ve been calling the second part of the story Ascent as a way to distinguish it from the first part, here on the blog I decided to stick with the naming and imaginatively call it chapter 31. By the way, did you know Desiderata is latin for ‘desired things’. And did you also know that I studied latin while I was in Japan, meaning I studied a dead language in Japanese? Yeah, that’s a piece of random damn trivia if ever I’ve heard one.
  • I went to gym class last weekend wearing most of my sexy santa bunny outfit (it was wear a costume day, so I didn’t just rock up randomly in a costume – in case you thought I was some kind of crazy.) When I arrived, my instructor politely informed me that I was at a fitness club, not some other type of club.
  • We had our office Christmas event and this year we played kiddie golf and had a meal afterwards. It was the first year I didn’t wear a costume (having already filled my need for costume-wearing during the festive season at gym). We played in teams, boys vs girls and the boys team spent most of the time trying to hit the girls. Apparently there was $20 riding on it ($50 if they managed to hit us on the ass)…Boys…
  • And while we were having dinner the topic got onto tattoos and who had one. Everyone was stunned at me having one. I seem to have this ‘sugar wouldn’t melt in my mouth’ personae and find it hilarious. I lol-ed into my pint-sized glass of cider (which is my alcoholic beverage of choice at the moment). I think they think I have a tramp stamp…
  • I’m holding the reigns a.k.a sitting in the hot seat of logistics at work while the logistics guy is away on parental leave. This is another reason why I don’t like kids. Logistics always gives me a tic in the eye and makes me nauseous. I also feel very much like I have a sideways-pineapple-up-the-ass-with-no-lube situation going on.
  • I’m now lusting after an Asus T100 transformer laptop to improve my mobile story-writing experience. After tapping out a ridiculous number of words on my iPod on the bus, in the bath & on the toilet, I’ve decided that I could really do with a keyboard.
  • My wedding dress is in a box, on a plane, heading towards me as I type. M said he wanted a fashion parade when it arrived. But that would be really weird, wouldn’t it? Fortunately, it should still be vacuum packed so that’s a good excuse not to open it, wouldn’t you say?
  • I haven’t played WoW in a month. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
  • Apparently I’m supposed to be getting my nipples pierced come the new year. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that either.

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A trip down memory lane

On a whim I decided to see if I could remember my flickr account log in. It took me five attempts of all the permutations of the normal password I use (yes, I’m one of those people who can only remember one password) but finally I hit on the combination and what a treasure trove of photos I found in there. So I present for your viewing pleasure an eclectic series of photos I’d like to title People Can be Mean:

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Things started well with Carinastarr aka The Tormentor

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???

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The Perspex Paddle

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The only tongue action that is acceptable in my books

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The Lobster

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What happens when you guess your Christmas present

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You have to flick it, don’t you?

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An honest reaction to something ouchie down below

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Hoods and I have a difficult relationship

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The Ballet Boots aren’t enough?

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Santa Bunny with a side of ouch

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Sometimes I can be mean to myself too

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But it’s nice to know that when you faint on the St Andrew’s cross, your tormentor will put you in the recovery position and make sure you’re okay.

 

Hungry

I’m having one of those days where fasting really sucks. After six months doing 4:3 I’m pretty familiar with the feeling of hunger and usually I cope very well with it, but today, I’m ravenous and all I have to say is AHHHHH! Hopefully I will make it through the next 12 hours or so.

I think it’s because I’ve been dining and wining out so often recently. I’m not used to all this ‘restaurant’ food. Although in all my meals out, I can’t say I’ve had something better than I can have at home. M’s talents in the kitchen are pretty damn impressive. I’m looking forward to Christmas and tucking into some ham, German potato salad and plum pudding. Mmmm… Then I’ll promptly fall into a food coma under the air-con and it will feel like a proper Christmas.

Today was the launch of Body Combat 58 at my gym and I had a sad. I do not like it one bit – the music is crap, the movements feel weird and generally it’s all very meh. I do at least 4 combat classes a week so I’m not looking forward to the next 16 or so times I have to do it before the instructors start mixing. It’s going to be a looooong few weeks is all I have to say.

I didn’t have any cute/inane questions from my Japanese customers this week, but last night we did get into a discussion around the table about how many companies we’ve worked for and the tally ended up like this:

Japanese dude number one: 1

Japanese dude number two: 1

Japanese dude number three: 1

Australian dude number one: 3

Australian dude number two: 2

Me: 10

Lol. I really do wonder if I have ADD sometimes. My ability to do one thing for any given time, including a job sucks balls. I’d like to point out that very shortly I’ll be celebrating my 3 year anniversary at my current job. It’s a RECORD people.

This week I’ve been bogged down in Chapter 11 of my story. Choosing names is hard. Making new characters is hard. Pretty much every goddamn thing is hard. Chapter 11 is pretty much done and just needs a few tweaks so I’ve left it and moved onto Chapter 12 to give myself a break. FYI, I’ve changed the ending of the story approximately 4 times so far. I think taking my time and mothering each chapter to death before I publish any of it has been an experiment gone awry because now I can’t get decisive about any of it. At least when it’s out there then I’m locked into a path and can’t go back and fiddle away until my eyes start bleeding. I’m 26,000 words in so far and I have severe RSI.

Are we done yet?

P.S If you have been enjoying watching Arrow and haven’t seen this yet, you really should watch it (might have some mini spoilers if you haven’t seen Season 2 Episode 6 yet.)

I came to two realisations

(1) I suck at pushups

(2) I have a leftie

The first realisation came after spending copious amount of time on youtube looking at pushup technique (I may have also accidentally clicked through to fail videos, which lead to speed painting which lead to dogs in tights and I lost several hours there but, you know, I was there for the technique!)

The second realisation came when I was de-hairing my snatch and I noticed that my girlie bits naturally like to lean to the left. Then I was wondering if it was because of how my rings are placed and that maybe they pull to the left…has anyone else noticed that their bits like to hang out on a particular side?

And just a little bit more tmi, while I was down there I noticed reason #87 of why long hair can sometimes be a pain in the ass; along with hair in your butt crack, I also get hair stuck around my piercings. And by hair, I mean hair from my head. There was this one strand that was wound really tightly around one end of my clithood piercing and the hair had then passed up through the hole and was also wound around the base of the ball on the other end. I had to get in there with a pair of eyebrow scissors and really, really carefully cut it off. Who knew such shit could happen??

I received a paddling yesterday for slave fail #(I’ve lost count…) and I also spent several hours in boots and cuffs on the floor while he randomly cropped my ass (mostly during commercial breaks…lol.) There was one particular stroke where I was kneeling with my head to the floor and the crop landed between my butt cheeks and on my recently chemically de-haired pussy and omfg…I wanted to choke him then and there. It’s funny how those ridiculously painful, did-you-really-mean-to-do-that?? strokes just drive me from my usually chilling out self, to complete and irrational anger in 0.003 seconds.

I’m into week 3 of Japanese client visits and I really need to compile a list of the funny questions they ask. Some of my favourites so far have been:

(while viewing some wild kangaroos in a random paddock) How do they get over the fence?

Why don’t you have Thanksgiving in Australia?

(while stuck in cross-city traffic) Where are the koalas?

(while looking at a horse wearing a fly mask over its eyes) Oh my god, is that horse blind??

Yeah…5 weeks of visits to go! Then I can crawl back into my non-social hole and relax.

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And so it begins…

…December. One of my least favourite months for a variety of reasons:

(a) It is a shit-busy time at work (I’m pretty sure shit-busy needs a hyphen and is a legitimate word)

(b) I have a distinct lack of Christmas spirit

(c) It means January is close and therefore so is my birthday

Just on that last point, I’ve been having weird ‘getting old’ thoughts recently along the lines of, “Am I getting too old to plait my hair?” and “I’m pretty sure my turkey neck is no longer fixable.”

I still feel like I’m about 21 most of the time and while I feel it, my mirror tells me I definitely don’t look it and I feel the stares when I go shopping in Forever 21, because, well, 21 apparently isn’t forever and I’m uncomfortably close to that scary age that I always think of my mum being (although she’s past 60 and it freaks me out when I think about that too).

In other news, I’ve been doing the fasting diet thing since mid-June and I’m happy to report that I can now fit into all my thin-chick clothes that I refuse to throw out and keep in my wardrobe for those special few months that occur every few years when I lose enough weight so that I can fit into them again. These thin-chick clothes include a pair of leather pants, a leather skirt, a cheongsam bought by the one who shall remain nameless (omfg!!) and the dress I wore at my wedding reception. A very eclectic combination indeed I hear you say. Yes, well…I am a very spethial person.

Speaking of my wedding, my ex is arranging to send my wedding dress back to me from Japan. Yes, the saga of the wedding dress may soon be reaching a conclusion and I’m happy to report that I’m in a stable enough emotional state that I’m okay with it. I think I got some closure with him the last time we met because up until this point, I really couldn’t face even talking about the dress but now I’m actually arranging to send money and get that thing out of his apartment. Fuck knows what I’m going to do with though. Would I be tempted to put it on? Possibly. It’s a great dress and every girl wants to feel like a princess on more than one occasion. But that would be really weird, wouldn’t it? The voices in my head certainly say so.

Last weekend we had a new air-con installed and I had my usual panic-attack-induced cleaning splurge when I realised people were coming to the house so I cleaned the toilet and the kitchen and most of the places I thought they would need to go through to install it. I mean most of it is on the roof with just the controller in the kitchen, so my thinking was right, right?

Wrong.

What I didn’t think about was the fact that they would go into every room and check that the ducts were working… So there was the butt plug sitting next to my computer, the gonzo and another butt plug in the bathroom, the canes, crops and other assorted stuff in M’s bedroom, the nipple clamps and lube in my bedroom and of course the cage with its chain and cane laying on top of it in the living room. Not to mention the St Andrew’s cross in the garage which they also got a gander at when they accessed the garage to fiddle with the power.

Yeah.

I blushed to the depths of my pores and M’s reaction was…wait for it…”Meh.”

You’re probably wondering why there is a butt plug next to my computer. I had to put it there to remind me of how nice M is being by not making me wear it. His thought was that if I looked at it constantly I would be thankful. Yeah, thanks for making me wish that the earth would swallow me up.

I finished chapter 8 in a marathon story writing session this weekend and I’m almost at that point where I can see whether it’s going to work out and you know what that means?? Yep, we might see a chapter before the end of the year. Brace yourselves.

I wish I was 30...
I wish I was 30…