Zen

I did some serious danshari-ing during my move to single, apartment-living.

I’ve never been a real hoarder and I have a strong aversion to buying things that I cannot easily dispose of such as furniture (because, as some would say, I have a commitment phobia), but I have strong sentimental attachments and pretty much I’ve kept every letter/note/piece of paper I’ve ever received, every photo to come into my possession and every little thing that has meant something to me over the years.

So I took the opportunity this time and threw or gave away just about everything I could. The thank you letters I’d received from my students back in Japan, the drunken karaoke photos taken with my Japan gym buddies, my city to surf medals, my fetish outfits, my boots. The list goes on.

There was serious and I mean serious, danshari-ing involved. I was expecting it to feel refreshing like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but mostly I just felt sad. As if those things somehow made me who I am and throwing them away was like losing little bits of myself.

I guess it was all part of my sub-conscious want to reinvent myself. The reinvention that started with me introducing myself to new people with the name I always wanted to have. Sometimes when people call out to me, I forget to respond to it because, well, it’s not actually my name, but it’s starting to feel more comfortable.

I’m still trying to come to that zen place where not being dragged down by things from the past is freeing and allows you to live in the moment. Maybe if I just keep buying more sheets, towels and valances in suitably trendy colours I’ll pull myself into the new me.

Maybe.

zen

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4 thoughts on “Zen

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  1. I have learned from other blogs that March is question month, everyone is encouraged to ask questions of the author. So here is a question. How would you describe your sexuality right this moment.

    1. Are we talking about whether I’m feeling submissive or not?
      Excellent question…a good friend was discussing this with me the other day and said that he thinks submission is a floating state and will depend on the situation, the circumstances and who you are with.
      I have to say I agree. I don’t think you can be switched on all the time. I couldn’t have done what I did without turning that switch off inside me.

  2. In the spirit of anon and Q&A month, how did you decide on a new name, and have you told your family? Have you legally changed it? Sorry for being so nosy! I’m fascinated!
    Love xxx

    1. LOL…it’s not really ‘new’. It’s just the full form of my name so it’s not really different or anything, but somehow I just think it’s better. Would I like to legally change it? Yes. Can I be bothered? Probably not 🙂
      Maybe next time I meet some people I’ll go with my middle name – just to switch things up a bit!

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