That side of things

So it’s been a couple of weeks. That is fuck all in the scheme of things, but I’ve got this huge sense of ‘pressure’ that I should be doing stuff – like every minute I spend in my apartment watching tv is a minute I could be out there enjoying the delights of being a single woman in a kind-of happening city.

I think it would be alright if I was 24. Twenty four is a good age. Add thirteen years to that and you get what they call in Japan, ‘stale Christmas cake’ – something past its prime that nobody wants.

That’s the biggest thought I had in mind during the whole decision-making process. I was trying to figure out whether having some sort of relationship (even if I was only 50% happy) was better than the option of having no relationship. Ever. Again.

And I still cringe inside when I keep reminding myself that I’ll be ‘okay’ because someone, somewhere should find me attractive/like me/want to form a relationship with me. Yeah…me and my confidence levels…I’ve got to start being happen in my own skin, right?

So the question is, have I gone vanilla?

I’m not exactly sure what all the labels mean anymore but I do want a relationship with a side of play. I still have buttons that need to be pushed.

Do I want to be a slave? Probably not. There’s only one way that I would be able to get into the headspace required for that and that is to be kept. I don’t seem to have much luck in that area, so I’ve started getting realistic and thinking that I’ve got to stop waiting/expecting to be looked after.

Ten years. In August it will be ten years since I left Japan to follow the dream of being a slave.

The things we do…

angry

 

 

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5 thoughts on “That side of things

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  1. As you can’t tell what will or won’t be in your future, why not just (“just”) go with what feels good today and do the same on the next todays after this one? Fork the little voice that says “you ought to”, or asks you to make up your mind about what you are or aren’t. Why not simply be you, living your life in a way that fulfils you, however that may be?

    1. PS I’ve had to do the same thing a year and a half ago (owned, then leaving) and if I can so can you, since you are rather fabulous. (Fork hurt from the past too.)

      1. Wise words. Not sure about the fabulous bit though 🙂
        I guess I’m a planner and I like routine and schedules and knowing what’s happening when. Some people call that type of behaviour ‘anal’. But I’m trying to change and hopefully I will learn to enjoy the now.

  2. I totally agree with ‘a’ that you are rather fabulous, and you should take the time to get in touch with what YOU want. The rest will fall into place 🙂 xxx

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