Dump

I’ve been a loner most of my life. I’ve liked the freedom of not having to worry about another person – constantly wondering what they were thinking about me or thinking about what I should do for them.

When I’m with other people I feel a constant need to keep them happy. I change what I say and what I do so that it will be the least objectionable and what I perceive they will like. I find it very hard to relax and just be me. I find it all tiring. I find friendships tiring. I find relationships tiring. And so I’ve always kept my interactions to a bare minimum and so the thought of needing to be in a relationship or needing to meet new people has been totally off my radar.

Now, it’s all I think about.

I pass people in the street or meet them in the elevator and wonder what their story is. Are they alone? Are they like me and wanting to make friends? Or are they just trying to get somewhere and do something without wanting to be pounced on by a crazy friend-seeking lady?

I’m late to the game. People my age usually have a full circle of friends and a support network for when shit hits the fan like ending a long-term relationship and finding yourself alone in a big city. I ran off to Japan when I should have been out getting drunk and experimenting with other people my age. Then I got married. Then I locked myself into the most controlled and freedom-devoid type of relationships for the next 10 years. My partners have always been older than me. My friends have generally been older than me. I’ve never really had a chance to do all the things that you’re supposed to do when you’re young and stupid and can be forgiven for your naivety.

I don’t know if I’ve purposely done these things to try to avoid the whole meeting people thing or if that’s just the way it’s worked out, but whatever the reason, I’m full of regrets. For not wanting and not being able to connect.

I’ve read all the propaganda about D/s supposedly giving you a deeper connection. There are all the inspirational quotes and poems floating around the place that try to make it seem like it’s somehow better than a normal relationship:submission3

submission2

But is it?

All that talk of ‘gifts’ and doms as ‘protectors’ and ‘freedom in control’…does anyone really feel like that?

And do you need to feel that special something, that connection with the person you choose to play with or the person you give your submission to? Does not having the feeling make it less real? Does it mean that you’re missing out on the ‘true’ experience?

I’ve been feeling numb for quite a while. I wasn’t getting excited by the thought of play, I didn’t look forward to it, didn’t particularly want to do it. I’ve lost my passion and I’m not sure how to get it back. I want to feel something – excitement, anxiety, fear, worry.

I’m not sure if I’ve allowed submission to define me. Have I talked myself into believing that I need to submit and therefore should enjoy it, even though I don’t? Is submitting really what I want to do?

But if I don’t submit, what else is there?

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6 thoughts on “Dump”

  1. Well, it sounds like you’re in the process of trying to find yourself all over again. What else is there, other than submission? An equal partnership, for one. If that’s what you want. As I think I’ve mentioned in the past, I’m not actively kinky, but curious about the scene. My marriage was one of equals who treated each other with respect and consideration. Neither of us submitted to the other, but took each other’s desires into account. Our sexual relationship was vanilla; had she been of a different bent, I’d have been game to try more exotic activities. But I don’t think I would want a relationship in which either of us always submits to the other in all aspects of life. I would consider trying out different activities by mutual consent with a new partner (since my wife is now in a nursing home with early onset Alzheimer’s, my marriage is over for all practical purposes, even though she hasn’t died and I don’t intend to divorce her), but I think any D/S play would end at the bedroom door.

    Ultimately, you need to figure out what it is you want, and it sounds like that’s what you are trying to do. You seem to have some idea what you don’t want, but are having trouble figuring out what it is you do want. Maybe you should consider going ahead and making those “youthful” mistakes without worrying about whether you’ll be “forgiven”. Let yourself try new experiences without commitment, and see if you can get a handle on what really does appeal to you. Reach out and make friends. Experience is your best teacher.

    Good luck, and I hope you don’t mind my unsolicited advice from the other side of the world. 🙂

    1. Yep, I’m totally trying to find myself again. And funnily enough, I keep coming back to defining myself by my kink. I’m not sure whether it had defined me or whether that is actually who I am. I’m happy about meeting people my own age. It certainly makes a difference to be at the same stage of life as people around you and having people around you who understand what is happening.
      I’m actively trying to make some ‘mistakes’- partying way too much, spending way too much money and generally just going with the flow of things without trying to lock everything down into a neat labelled box full of preconceptions (like I usually do).
      I’m loving the stimulation and connections (and I don’t mean any of that in a sexual way…lol.) I haven’t felt quite this alive for a long time. Actually what I’m worried about is not having the focus to finish my story. There’s too much stuff to do to be sitting in front of a computer for hours!
      And I appreciate your unsolicited advice 🙂 I’m grateful that you’re lending help even though you have more than enough of your own difficult, difficult stuff to deal with.

  2. Well, than you don t finish your story. It is going nowhere and will be there for you when or if you ever feel the need to return.

    Perhaps try for an equal relationship and see if it suits you. Have some bedroom kink if you like. May be you are a little less pure if you do. But on the other hand… being pure is overrated by the ones who claim to be.

    Anne

    1. I already feel like I’ve lost my street cred by calling myself a slave when I’m not owned 🙂

      I’m beginning to wonder if it’s just the connection I want from D/s…

      PS. It’s funny I read your comment and thought you were saying my story isn’t ‘going anywhere’ as in it’s floundering so why not just give it a rest. I’m assuming that’s not how I should take that and you meant that it will still be there waiting for me if and when I go back to it. At least, I hope.

    2. Anne, wash your mouth out with soap! 😀 I’ve GOT to find out what happens to Thaylin and Kassandra! Not to mention what Mathias’ game is…. 😀

      Seriously, though, if a hiatus is needed, then it is, that’s all. I participate in a fair number of online games and forums, and when people run into real-life problems, I always tell them that RL is more important than the game/forum/whatever. So, really, it’s up to you. Good luck with everything, if you decide to take a break, please let us know, and we’ll be here when you get back. 🙂

      1. So…I’ve got a little theory that I was using my story to fill a gap in my life…maybe that’s why I’m having trouble focussing -now that I’m filling my life with other things.
        But…you’ll be pleased to know that I’ve been writing Chapter 19 at a pace of about 100 words/five hours. Based on that it should take me until Xmas to finish 🙂
        Just kidding….about xmas….not about the pace of writing…I wish I was kidding about that.

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