I’ve been a loner most of my life. I’ve liked the freedom of not having to worry about another person – constantly wondering what they were thinking about me or thinking about what I should do for them.
When I’m with other people I feel a constant need to keep them happy. I change what I say and what I do so that it will be the least objectionable and what I perceive they will like. I find it very hard to relax and just be me. I find it all tiring. I find friendships tiring. I find relationships tiring. And so I’ve always kept my interactions to a bare minimum and so the thought of needing to be in a relationship or needing to meet new people has been totally off my radar.
Now, it’s all I think about.
I pass people in the street or meet them in the elevator and wonder what their story is. Are they alone? Are they like me and wanting to make friends? Or are they just trying to get somewhere and do something without wanting to be pounced on by a crazy friend-seeking lady?
I’m late to the game. People my age usually have a full circle of friends and a support network for when shit hits the fan like ending a long-term relationship and finding yourself alone in a big city. I ran off to Japan when I should have been out getting drunk and experimenting with other people my age. Then I got married. Then I locked myself into the most controlled and freedom-devoid type of relationships for the next 10 years. My partners have always been older than me. My friends have generally been older than me. I’ve never really had a chance to do all the things that you’re supposed to do when you’re young and stupid and can be forgiven for your naivety.
I don’t know if I’ve purposely done these things to try to avoid the whole meeting people thing or if that’s just the way it’s worked out, but whatever the reason, I’m full of regrets. For not wanting and not being able to connect.
I’ve read all the propaganda about D/s supposedly giving you a deeper connection. There are all the inspirational quotes and poems floating around the place that try to make it seem like it’s somehow better than a normal relationship:
But is it?
All that talk of ‘gifts’ and doms as ‘protectors’ and ‘freedom in control’…does anyone really feel like that?
And do you need to feel that special something, that connection with the person you choose to play with or the person you give your submission to? Does not having the feeling make it less real? Does it mean that you’re missing out on the ‘true’ experience?
I’ve been feeling numb for quite a while. I wasn’t getting excited by the thought of play, I didn’t look forward to it, didn’t particularly want to do it. I’ve lost my passion and I’m not sure how to get it back. I want to feel something – excitement, anxiety, fear, worry.
I’m not sure if I’ve allowed submission to define me. Have I talked myself into believing that I need to submit and therefore should enjoy it, even though I don’t? Is submitting really what I want to do?
But if I don’t submit, what else is there?