Do you know what is the first thing I do when I end a relationship?
I go and buy lingerie.
I’m sure there is some deeply Freudian reason behind why I can trace the history of my relationships through my underwear drawer, but my gut feeling is that I equate my looks with my self-worth and I’m trying to feel better about myself by covering my body with frilly, lacy bits.
Actually I’ve done a fair amount of shopping these past few weeks and not just for underwear. And when I say a ‘fair amount’ I mean a lot…to the tune of burning a fairly sizable hole in my credit cards. I’m thinking of it as a type of ‘cheap’ therapy that comes complete with shoes and handbags, a way to transfer my feelings of guilt about breaking a man’s life by feeling guilty about spending too much money.
I came home last night at 9pm after another successful shopping expedition to discover that the movie on tv was Pretty Woman. Other than the amusing brick-sized mobile phones that look bizarre in the hands of Richard Gere, that movie still holds up pretty well. It’s actually one of my secret go-to movies that I don’t tell anyone I like but that I would watch in a heartbeat if given a choice.
There are a plenty of reasons I should feel angry about that movie as an independent, working woman in the year 2014, but I’m not ashamed to say that it’s my total fantasy and I’d be Julia Roberts in a heartbeat (and not only because she’s got fantastic legs for thigh-high boots and amazing hair). I mean what’s not to love about a handsome, cultured man who has got his shit together sweeping you off your feet and showering you with clothes and cash?
That’s actually number one on my list of things I’ve always wanted in a man – someone who has got his shit together. I don’t seem to ever be able to find someone who fits that bill though and inevitably I end up looking after my significant other.
Do I need to start being more vulnerable and needy and acting less like a mother?
What do men who have got their shit together want in a woman? Someone who has their shit equally together or someone who needs an intervention? What exactly does a girl have to do to be taken on a day-long shopping spree that involves pizza and the tie of a hapless shoe salesman?
Speaking of shopping, I hadn’t really bought anything new since losing weight. I had half a wardrobe of clothes that no longer fit me and I have to say that it was very gratifying to go out and buy a pair of size 8 skinny jeans. And funnily enough I managed to get out of the plateau that I was stuck in for months and my weightloss has been kickstarted again – even though I don’t feel like I’m eating particularly healthily and there is a lot more alcohol in my diet and a lot less sleeping going on.
I’ve kept up with the 4:3 fasting, but cut my gym back a bit. I still feel pretty good physically and I feel much better mentally now that I have INTERNET!!!!
Since moving I had been rationed to little bits and bobs of ridiculously expensive prepaid wireless internet because I didn’t have a phoneline (slightly long story there that you probably don’t need to hear). It took a month to get the phone company to wire that shit in and then another two weeks to get it turned off so I could get naked adsl. Who knew getting the internet in 2014 could be such a drama?
For six weeks I’ve been forced to watch free-to-air shit tv, with no access to porn and I’ve had to do most of my day-to-day surfing at work – which obviously put a limit on how much NSFW stuff I could look at.
But last night my internet finally roared into life and now all is right with the world.
I’ve got six weeks of tv shows to catch up on so I might just douse the flames on my credit cards, make popcorn and chill for a little while.