Hello, my name is subtle.

I’m single, *probably* a slave, a little confused about why I’m on this planet and more importantly, I’m 37 and still can’t talk about sex without giggling like a prepubescent teenager.

But somehow I’ve been blogging, essentially about sex, for ten years like I’m an old hand and ‘been there, done that’.

Well, to be clear…I have ‘been there’ and ‘done’ quite a bit of ‘that’…I just can’t talk about it like an adult should be able to…’face-to-face’…with the person I may be doing it with.

So how does one get over the embarrassment that having someone up close and personal with your pink bits brings with it?

I giggle and snicker and make light-hearted banter during the moment, because that’s the way I roll. Currently, I’m like an adult toddler taking their first tottering steps out in the world of mature relationships. But I have a feeling that by this stage in my life, I should be able to talk about vaginas and penises without blushing to the very roots of the hair on my hair.

Unfortunately I can’t.

Maybe if I just keep talking I’ll eventually get used to it and appropriate talk for ‘sexy time’ will roll off my tongue with gay abandon.

I’ll keep trying it and report back.

So, in other news, I have learned one thing about myself and it seems a bit messed up:

I’m totally okay with casual sex.

I’m totally not okay with casual play.

Somehow I feel like those feelings should be around the other way, but somewhere inside my slightly skewed psyche, play is higher in my hierarchy of stuff. And now while I’m writing this, I’m thinking, “Of course getting tied up and beaten by someone is more serious than sex!” but on the other hand, sex is the ultimate intimate act that two people can participate in and what’s more…it makes babies! How can I think less of that than play?

I was pondering this question as I was getting beaten this afternoon. It was the first time I’ve played with anyone since becoming single and it was curious.

I wasn’t nervous or excited. I felt largely numb, the same as I’ve felt during all of my interactions with people these past few weeks.

I’m not sure if all of this new stuff has made me go into ‘numb mode’ because it’s the only way I can cope with the anxiety that all these new people and experiences bring, but I think I’d really like to be able to turn on my emotions again.

I’d like to feel pleasure or passion, fear or excitement. The numbness might protect me inside but it’s taking away any good feelings I might experience as well.

Prior to today, I hadn’t been beaten in a very long time. Today’s attentions hurt, but it wasn’t anything that a bit of fist-making or deep-breathing couldn’t deal with. I actually wanted more. I have a sneaking feeling that this wall of numbness I’ve got around me, just needs a really solid whack – with some tears and some bruises- to get it down.

But when I think about getting someone to whack me, my danger-will-robinson!! voice at the back of my head speaks up and I start making excuses. But again, I don’t feel worried or fearful, it’s just a very boring conversation going on in my head about needing to go slow and being careful when it comes to play.

Because it’s play.

And play > sex.

And is that what I think or what I think I should be thinking?



2 thoughts on “Learning

Add yours

  1. Hi subtle,
    I’ve been reading your blog for a while but this is my first time commenting.
    I totally feel that sex can be casual but not play. For me, sex get clouded up with lust and desire so it doesn’t feel very intimate. I can be fully naked and do the most random of things and it’s ok. However, if my then sex partner wants to have a shower together I get squeamish and embarrassed because I don’t want them to see me in full light while soaking wet (hello body issues!) And for play time, I need someone I have built a strong foundation of trust with. I can’t have just anyone hit me or put their hands around my neck (although that might be because I’m submissive and not a slave).
    My point is, I think play time is way more intimate so I’m not surprised you feel the way you do. And with all the emotional things you’ve gone through lately (and in the past), it might take a while to break down the walls but you’ll get there. Congrats on moving forward with your life, not everyone has that ability and you should make the most of it!

    1. Thanks for commenting – I promise not to bite. Just on your comment about things outside the moment being weird, I also find the whole uncomfortable ‘morning after’ thing hilarious.
      Not having my emotional radar functioning at the moment is making it difficult for me to decide who I trust.
      I’m wondering if I am moving forward with my life or am I just treading water (but while I think about that, I’ll try to have some fun!)

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