If I had to pick one word to describe my personality, it would be sentimental. And while I’m sentimental about things and places as most people are, I’m fiercely sentimental about people. I don’t give up on or cut people from my life at all, regardless of how much of a negative impact they might have had on me…and that’s probably where I go terribly, terribly wrong.
Sometimes you’ve just got to let go.
I revisit memories of people and conversations like old photos. I pull them out when I get sad or lonely and turn them over and over in my hands trying to make sure I didn’t miss something.
I don’t move on. I carry all this stuff around with me and it’s heavy and hot. I don’t want to cut it away though, because I only feel worthy in the eyes of others. Without all that cloying ‘peopleness’, there’s just me and the echoes in the silence are deafening.
That makes me the worst possible person to ever have a casual friendship or relationship with. I don’t accept that people just move through your life and ‘exit stage left’ when whatever you had has run its course. Once you’re in my life, you’re in my life and you’d better hang on up there with all the others on my shoulders ’cause I ain’t leaving you behind…ever.
I’m now realising that this is probably why I haven’t sought out too many relationships – because I haven’t got the emotional tools to keep it light and simple.
This brings me back to my current dilemma. I’ve got a brain and a heart that is still full of Mark. I want to keep him there because that’s how I roll, but how can I objectively evaluate what we had and whether it is something I want to go back to, when I can’t see the forest for the trees?