I’ve met a lot of people recently who are on all ends of the spectrum that I am learning to know as ‘kink’.

I used to think that being kinky meant being into bdsm; you were a sub or a dom, occasionally a slave or a master and every so often, you’d run into those almost mythical things called switches.

I was pretty happy with my label. I thought I’d discovered what I was: a sub and that I liked someone calling the shots and enjoyed being objectified and essentially being ‘used’ for sex.

Then I wanted to be a ‘slave’, to be owned and wear a collar all the time, to have no rights or choices, to be property.

And through all of this, my definition of myself and what I think I like and what I do has stayed pretty narrow. If I wasn’t too ashamed to admit it, I’d probably say that I thought my way the ‘twue’ way, that bdsm was the ‘ultimate’ kink and that everything else paled in comparison.

It was an arrogant way to think of things.

I’ve made some friends who are into cross-dressing; who want to top boys, but sub for girls; who enjoy putting skewers into their heads; who are pet puppies; who do nothing but have threesomes/skullfucks; who identify as women and want to have a lesbian relationship but are subbie boys; who are hedonists; curious; kinky; transgender, rope/latex/leather aficionados and everything in between.

My new thing when I go to munches or fetlife events is to ask people I meet, “What’s your deal?” or if I’ve seen their profile, I’ll say, “So you’re a x,y,z?” Not that it really matters I guess what they identify as and why they are there, but it gives me something to talk about other than the weather.

It used to be a lot easier because the ones in collars or on the floor/cross/spanking bench were subs/slaves and most of the doms would be sitting around on the chairs talking. When I think about how things used to be and how they are now, I kind of feel like I’m ‘old school’. 99% of the people I meet now don’t know anything about alt, using capital letters, talking in third person, positions, protocol etc. All those things that used to be part and parcel of being in the scene, just aren’t anymore. Being kinky meant being into bdsm and most people were into the whole spectrum of ‘bdsm activities’.

What this change in the scene means for me, is that it is extremely hard for me to find someone who ‘ticks all the boxes’. And actually when I think about it, it’s almost as if people’s kinks have become narrower and more defined. I’ve met a lot of men who call themselves ‘dominant’ but who don’t want to hurt someone. They don’t want to make their play partner cry or leave lasting marks on them. It’s like they want a bit of spice, but don’t want to get into anything too off-centre. I’ve also met ‘submissives’ who just want a bit of rope play or enjoy a rough fuck.

More and more I’m thinking that finding someone, just one person who can give me what I want is too hard. Am I going to have to get into the poly thing with different people fulfilling different roles just to have my itches scratched?



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