Someone recently told me that I should stop apologising so much. I’m one of those people who apologises for everything – “Oh, sorry, am I in your way?”, “Sorry, I can’t make it.”, “Sorry, I’m not what you want me to be.” I’d usually start my first blog in many, many weeks with a, “Sorry, for my absence…” but instead, I’ll try something new and not apologise.
(Although I’m itching now to apologise for not apologising….lol.)
A CRAP LOT has happened these past few weeks. To be honest, I’ve started writing on a few separate occasions and just didn’t know where to start; it’s all a bit overwhelming and confronting and…well…just difficult. I’ve been coming home and instead of putting my writing cap on, turning on the television and zoning out. It’s much easier and less threatening.
So where to begin…let’s go back a few weeks….
Remember that last blog I wrote about the unholy trinity? I wrote it in a weird state of mind. A lot of my motivation was wanting to show off. I wanted to seem really cool like I had all these guys floating around me like a posse of stallions. So I wrote the blog in my usual humorous, self-deprecating way and didn’t post it for a week. I just sat on it, pondering whether it was an appropriate thing to post and all the while thinking that I hadn’t posted anything for ages and then finally in a fit of, ‘Oh, crap I really need to post something or I’m a shitty blogger!’ I uploaded it.
Then shit hit the fan.
But before shit hit the fan, I’d already decided a few things:
My trinity in reality was dysfunctional and made me feel cheap and stupid. I’ve never felt comfortable or confident about my body or personality (not fishing for comments here, just laying down how I actually feel about myself) and when I was getting some attention from guys it made me feel like less of an ugly, old hag and more of a woman who maybe wasn’t a right-off. I didn’t particularly click with any of the guys I met and in fact, some of the interactions I had were hurtful, but I guess when you get low, there’s nowhere else for you to go and so you just go along with it, hoping for a bit of sweetness.
Then I had an epiphany or two – I don’t need to have negative influences in my life, regardless of whether they are sugar-coated and may seem innocuous and tempting on the surface and that I should value myself.
So I quietly backed away from the trinity and my dating adventures and started taking stock of my situation. I was coming to realise that none of it was making me happy. My ‘new’ life had shaken things up a bit and I’d had quite a few new experiences and crossed things off my bucket list, but it wasn’t fulfilling me on any deep level. I felt used and not particularly pleased. I was still numb and wanted desperately to be understood and loved.
I came to these realisations during those few days when I was sitting on my blog. The thought that I shouldn’t post it ran through my mind but I thought, “Fuck it.”
So coming back to the shit and the fan…the day after I posted the blog, I got an email from Mark:
“I’ve read your blog. Have a nice life.”
Yeah…that was like a bullet between the eyes.
Of course my next reaction was anger that he’d said he would never read my blog again and that I was free to post what I wanted without ramifications. I had trusted that he would do what he said, but then again, why should I be surprised? I’ve had a lifetime of men disappointing me enough to create a bevy of trust issues. Why should this man be any different?
We had a marathon Skype session that afternoon that involved a lot of crying and shouting. He told me I’d hurt him more than I could ever know. I did a lot of apologising. I also did a whole lot of explaining about why I’d written my blog and how my feelings had changed since I’d written it. I was scared, terrified in fact, that I had really lost Mark, that I’d pushed him away that little bit too far.
Love is a very rare thing. Unconditional love even more so. I realised that I didn’t want to lose it.
During my week in Melbourne (which is another whole blog post or two in itself) we did more marathon talking sessions and there was a lot more crying – mostly on my part. I shared a few more things about myself that I’d never told him. I think they were the last few things that I’d been keeping from him and that meant that my walls were totally stripped away.
As a result of all our talks, we decided that we are going to move down a path of reconciliation. Over the next few months we’ll be making preparations to live together again as something…I’m not quite sure what the labels will be…but at least we’ll be together.
I miss him. I love him. And I’m sorry.
Maybe I just can’t stop apologising after all. Maybe that’s who I am and I shouldn’t have to change who I am for anyone.