A few thoughts

Relationships make me fat and lazy.

They also amp up my procrastination levels to max.

But maybe those are good things?!? Maybe it means I’m feeling more relaxed.

It’s kind of like what the Japanese chick always says at work: “I’m married now so I don’t have to worry about what I look like!” (*maniacal Japanese girl giggling*)

I guess it’s very tempting to stop going to gym and to start stuffing my face when I know that someone loves me regardless of what I look like and what I do.

That’s definitely a good thing.

But I had a big blow out, binging for a few weeks on everything and anything I could stuff into my mouth and as a result, I can no longer fit into any clothes I was comfortably wearing two months ago. That is depressing enough to make me want to eat more and then the cycle would be born, but I pulled myself, kicking and screaming, back onto the 4:3 fasting wagon (which, really seems to be the only thing that keeps me in check) two weeks ago and I’ve committed to at least 4 nights of gym a week.

I’m coming to understand that I have a weird relationship with food. I’m obsessed with it to the point that I’m planning what to eat for hours and hours a day.  Food is my reward, my comfort and my control tool. I’d really like to be one of those people who is indifferent to food, who think about it mainly as fuel but can still appreciate a good meal when they have one.

I had someone comment on my collar, calling it a ‘fat girl’s collar’. Initially I wasn’t sure how to process that at all. He later went on to say that I wasn’t a fat girl and it didn’t suit me, meaning that it was too big and chunky for my neck. He is a person who doesn’t have a filter between his head and mouth and I understand that, but I still find his ‘frank’ comments disturbing at times.

The hypnotherapy experiment a few weeks back was a failure. I tried to relax and be lead down the path and into the garden of my subconscious, but it didn’t really work for me. There were points where he was checking to see whether I was ‘under’ or not and I was so tempted to open my eyes and pipe up with a, ‘Should I let you know this isn’t working or just go along with it anyway?’ There was that slavey part of me that didn’t want to disappoint anyone. He tried to give me a hand gesture to use when I was feeling stressed, but I find stuffing a piece of cream cake into my mouth to be much more effective.

I lost a dear friend to melanoma about ten days ago. Master and I went to her funeral and it was just so sad. I’m never good in emotionally-heavy situations – weddings, funerals, graduations etc., to begin with, but she was a person I’ve known for about ten years and we had a connection so that made it ten times worse.

She and I chatted and crossed each other’s paths. We’d both been through relationship woes together and she always read my blog. She had topped me on several occasions and regardless of how laughter-filled a play session is, it gives you a different connection with that person to just a ‘friend’. I feel like ‘friend’ isn’t enough to describe my connection with her but lacking any other word, that’s all I can say.

My first thought when I learned she’d passed was that she never got to read the end of my story and how sorry I was that I couldn’t write it quickly enough. I knew she was living on borrowed time, but I wasn’t expecting it so soon. She was an avid reader and was always trying to get me to tell her how it would end. I did give her a few hints but didn’t want to spoil it. In hindsight, maybe I was being selfish.

Anyway, I’ve started uploading it now to force myself into finishing it off. It will keep me occupied for the next fifteen weeks if nothing else (maybe a stress ulcer as well…lol.)



10 thoughts on “A few thoughts

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  1. Jesus, I didn’t realise she’d passed away. I only PM’d her a few weeks ago expressing my sadness for what was going on (I’ve been off fetlife for a long while, so was dismayed to have read her news). I honestly thought she had a lot more time and that she’d get married to her Dom.
    I’m so upset, she was such a lovely person. She used to come to the parties my ex Dom and I used to hold. RIP dear lady

    1. The end was very sudden. They found a new tumor on the base of her brain on the Friday and she passed away on the Monday afternoon. She was at home with her daughter and Sir and didn’t wake up from her nap.
      Her passing really knocked me around and I still get very upset thinking about her now. I think everyone who knew her feels the same. *hugs*
      It was a lovely service and I think she would have been happy that so many people celebrated her life.

  2. Huuuuugs for you…. It would be very hard for you, especially as you have had so much to do with her.
    I keep crying off and on. I remember her coming back East one time; I went to Surfers to have lunch with her and a couple of other kinksters. Had a great time. I was always in awe of her pain threshold. Life is really sucky at times…. 😦

  3. My condolences on the loss of your friend.It’s always painful when someone close to you passes away. 😦

    I was interested in your comments about food and weight gain, as that’s something I struggle with. I’ve recently joined a weight management program put on by a local hospital, and it’s been very successful so far; I’ve lost nearly 10 lbs in the past 4 weeks since I started. The dietitian working with me has given me a number of helpful suggestions, including eating more often (my habit had been to eat a large breakfast/lunch, then go to work and eat a large dinner there; she has me eating more, but smaller meals, and having snacks to stave off hunger; I’m also eating more fruit and vegetables, and cutting back on fatty/sugary stuff) and tracking my food intake with MyFitnessPal (there is a website and a phone app). The main thing MFP has done for me is to make me THINK about what I’m eating, rather than just grabbing something and scarfing it down. My sodium intake is still too high, but everything else is staying within manageable bounds.

    1. Thanks 🙂
      Congrats on the weight loss!
      I have great success with any sort of weight loss programme (because I’m totally into rules and restrictions…hehehe) but I really suck at the maintenance.
      I think about eating too much. I’d like to be able to switch off that part of the brain and not be obsessed with food and eating all the time.
      I find it interesting that there are so many ways to play around with your body in the sense that you can control carbs, calories, detox etc. I mean they are all based around making your intake less than your out-take and that is the key to weight loss but it’s still interesting.

      1. And thank you! 🙂 My current weight is less than it’s been in several years, at least 5 and possibly 10. 🙂

        Well, if you like rules and restrictions, perhaps enlisting M and having him make you follow whatever diet you’re on would help. 🙂 You can give him access to your diary on MyFitnessPal, and he can oversee what you’re eating. You do have to be honest about logging everything you eat, of course. Just a thought. 🙂

        1. Yeah…he has zero interest in micro-managing me and I’d probably get very resentful if he tried to control me in that sense anyway!
          It might be related to my issue with having a short attention span, but I’m good in short bursts regarding dieting but it’s not something that I can do consistently for years. I think this particular time has been the longest I’ve managed to maintain my weight loss and it’s really only been since I went to Japan that things really fell off the rails. I just need to whip myself back into shape and carry on with the 4:3!

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