Relationships make me fat and lazy.
They also amp up my procrastination levels to max.
But maybe those are good things?!? Maybe it means I’m feeling more relaxed.
It’s kind of like what the Japanese chick always says at work: “I’m married now so I don’t have to worry about what I look like!” (*maniacal Japanese girl giggling*)
I guess it’s very tempting to stop going to gym and to start stuffing my face when I know that someone loves me regardless of what I look like and what I do.
That’s definitely a good thing.
But I had a big blow out, binging for a few weeks on everything and anything I could stuff into my mouth and as a result, I can no longer fit into any clothes I was comfortably wearing two months ago. That is depressing enough to make me want to eat more and then the cycle would be born, but I pulled myself, kicking and screaming, back onto the 4:3 fasting wagon (which, really seems to be the only thing that keeps me in check) two weeks ago and I’ve committed to at least 4 nights of gym a week.
I’m coming to understand that I have a weird relationship with food. I’m obsessed with it to the point that I’m planning what to eat for hours and hours a day. Food is my reward, my comfort and my control tool. I’d really like to be one of those people who is indifferent to food, who think about it mainly as fuel but can still appreciate a good meal when they have one.
I had someone comment on my collar, calling it a ‘fat girl’s collar’. Initially I wasn’t sure how to process that at all. He later went on to say that I wasn’t a fat girl and it didn’t suit me, meaning that it was too big and chunky for my neck. He is a person who doesn’t have a filter between his head and mouth and I understand that, but I still find his ‘frank’ comments disturbing at times.
The hypnotherapy experiment a few weeks back was a failure. I tried to relax and be lead down the path and into the garden of my subconscious, but it didn’t really work for me. There were points where he was checking to see whether I was ‘under’ or not and I was so tempted to open my eyes and pipe up with a, ‘Should I let you know this isn’t working or just go along with it anyway?’ There was that slavey part of me that didn’t want to disappoint anyone. He tried to give me a hand gesture to use when I was feeling stressed, but I find stuffing a piece of cream cake into my mouth to be much more effective.
I lost a dear friend to melanoma about ten days ago. Master and I went to her funeral and it was just so sad. I’m never good in emotionally-heavy situations – weddings, funerals, graduations etc., to begin with, but she was a person I’ve known for about ten years and we had a connection so that made it ten times worse.
She and I chatted and crossed each other’s paths. We’d both been through relationship woes together and she always read my blog. She had topped me on several occasions and regardless of how laughter-filled a play session is, it gives you a different connection with that person to just a ‘friend’. I feel like ‘friend’ isn’t enough to describe my connection with her but lacking any other word, that’s all I can say.
My first thought when I learned she’d passed was that she never got to read the end of my story and how sorry I was that I couldn’t write it quickly enough. I knew she was living on borrowed time, but I wasn’t expecting it so soon. She was an avid reader and was always trying to get me to tell her how it would end. I did give her a few hints but didn’t want to spoil it. In hindsight, maybe I was being selfish.
Anyway, I’ve started uploading it now to force myself into finishing it off. It will keep me occupied for the next fifteen weeks if nothing else (maybe a stress ulcer as well…lol.)